In the last two months I've discovered quite a few things about my body I did not know... well not quite a few but just two things. I have anxiety, and my family's heart disease. However, my heart disease has not been triggered by bad health, oh no, in fact, my health is perfect according to doctors, at least on paper. But mental health on the other hand, is the problem. Apparently stress, anxiety and other mental distress can cause heart attacks.

I found out about this heart condition in me only about a day ago, and trying to type this through the pain right now. 8AM on Saturday August 24, after no sleep at all, I discovered the pain and the symptoms escalated. They had been happening for several hours at the point and finally my left arm had gone completely numb. The pain subsided eventually and I passed out, not sure how or when though, or maybe I was just in such shock the pain knocked me out.

Moving on, I coped with it for the day, was recommended to use Bayer until I could see the doctor Monday but might need to go to the ER sooner than that if things get worse. The anxiety is making me feel like my chest is on fire, my heart keeps pounding rapidly, and occasional loss of feeling in my left arm comes and goes. I've noticed this pain before in my life but it was due to one thing, emotional distress, caused by loneliness. I didn't think much of it, or maybe it was just me over reacting as a teenager, but as the years went on I kept track of it and noticed it ONLY occurred during these circumstances.

After trying to see what might be causing it, I realized, it in fact was multiple things leading to loneliness. The pain of people abandoning me, friends mainly, ones I trusted, that I knew for years. I know I always say, years don't make the difference, the person you knew 5 minutes could be your best man/bridesmaid and the one you knew your whole life could ruin your marriage. Not saying literally, just an example. But moving on, women I've been in relationships with, in fact only a few and only 1 in my life didn't do me wrong, and she's gone unfortunately. Others though, I can't say the same, but I digress.

Between the women that have lied to me, cheated on me, the friends that lied to me, threw me aside, and being without someone, a lover specifically, my body begins to metaphorically, deteriorate. I'll eat right, my body functions properly, but my heart begins to pain, and give up, and my will dies. I don't need more friends, I'm happy with the friends that haven't betrayed me and have been there for me, especially 3, Elizabeth, friends for 18 years and Charles, friends for 9 years, and Jerry for 6 years.

What I truly need, is that one person, I can lay next to at night, hold, kiss, tell her I love her, or even during the day, but hopefully, should work not get in the way because of possible night jobs, sleep together happily. That's all I want, and all I need. Friends are nice, but they don't give what the heart wants or needs.