been a long time since my last update and sadly i have scrap a LOT of projects due to mental issues and a bit of depression have to wait to do day labor till the heat gos down. but as of late because and i know this silly but I've hit a wall i feel in the back of my mind I've done it i proved to myself i can draw and have a standard but that's crap cause i know i can only get better.

this journal comes in the wake of a failed drug trial i did two days ago in which i ate three quarter of the highest dose of adderall you can have and i was quite literally felt great my ADHD was honed to a fine point but at the same time i felt like i was decaying or as i put it to my mother "I can feel all my fluids moving but there are places just not moving" now take those feelings and add two day of no sleep no naps near no food or signal to eat anything then pour some rage on top and you have one highly erratic Fox and in my state of mind i got so upset that *don't really wanna go into what set me off* without any warning i Slammed my head face first into the wall *with all the force i could deliver with my head and remember i have neck problems peeps* put a hole into it and then stormed to my little home and started rapidly punching my door which has a steel inner and outer cover and dented it!

Now i felt bad today and still do but something odd has been at work because i was asking and remarking to a few friends that i could not get a job with a face tattoo well oddly enough when i woke up this morning and looked into the mirror i saw cuts from the wall headbutt and marveled that it looks almost like the tattoo i was talking about in past tense and as of right now i have a slightly shattered knuckles *well enough to type in 79 second intervals*, two curved cut marks above my left eye that ARE going to scar over and one bad goddamn headache but i kinda now have the markings I've always wanted over one eye so wooo i guess.

As of my art.....well ladies and gentlemen as of tomorrow i will try to place something on my submissions be it another short story or a little doodle but its been hard to draw its not a block it more like my happy sparks been over shadowed by the depression i mean i had the feeling the urge to draw but every time i tried i just couldn't understand why all my pieces looked or were totally awful to the eyes and this was coming from the urge to draw somehow i feel that putting my art here was a mistake i mean i haven't gotten a single real criticism to help me its like am i good enough that no one sees faults with my work? or is it that i'm so under the radar that no one really sees my work unless it night time and everyone who is still awake and bored see a piece of mine that wasn't knocked off front page by fucked up freaky porn images and makes a nice comment about it. This is in no way a diss to FA i love this site and have before i ever got a real account i kinda just buzzed around it but it's like hmm...why the fuck should i even try?

So we come to the end of this entry with a heart felt thank you to two lovely furs who really helped push me even if they don't realize it but fillrethefox and falconfox. Thank you very very very much thank you to fillrethefox who remarked at my foxy fio drawing and a huge thank you to falconfox for his shock at the gift i made for him, if i could hug them both in real life i would in a heart beat.

So in closing i am not fine i am having a inner conflict that is toppling what some bit of sanity i still have left i feel usless because i can't go work with the agency i use to get day jobs till the colder winter mouths and i wanna just walk out my home one morning with my tactical vest katana and Winchester 22 and kill every moving human being in a five mile zone.

May your days fallow in peaceful joy gods only know what may happen. good night Ladies and gents.

Signed in awful paw pain, The CFF Kit.