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Sometimes I hate everything.
12 years ago
I don't even know why I'm making this journal, but I feel compelled to.
Like the title says, sometimes I hate everything. So many of you have tried to be good to me and it means so much to me. But for every one of you, then are about 3-5 people who see me as a source for enjoyment, and don't actually know what I feel. So many people who complain that the world is cruel and evil while they have so many things I don't, even the gall to say they have a loving family to me, and still wish to die.
I feel like my stories actual points, their actual reasons for being, are lost to the aether. As though all the heart and effort I put into them are mere shadows the the things that stick out in people minds.
I sometimes hate being me, being so nice. I've been homeless for a year, and without true family all my life. My mother was neurotic, angry, harsh. She literally said to me during the later parts of my life that I was a disappointment because I had a form of autism that prevented me from succeeded like her sister's children. She wanted me to be something she could rub in their faces, to use to say she was a good mother.
All my family was terrible for reasons I can't begin to explain. I was never physically beat, but I'd take a thousand lashes for the comfort of a kind word said with sincerity, with a real voice. One word to block out the thousands and thousands of hateful words that swim through my head, making it so everything I see is ugly and distorted.
I can't even read my own stories without seeing messes, piles of words hastily thrown together in a poor attempt to say something greater than myself.
I sit here, in my room, papers and words upon words upon words surrounding me, reminding me. I am 21, I have no job, I have no education. It feels like I have no future. My voice cracks each time I speak, hoarse from lack of use, as I have no one to speak to, no one I can go to for a time away from everything that burns at my insides.
I have a loving father, but even this is a warped parody of what we see in the lies scociety crafts on the Christmas and holiday specials presented to us year after year. He gives me a home, some of the most delicious food I've ever tasted. But his heart is fractured, his body and mind in disrepair. He drinks his woes away sometimes, and I am his shoulder as he wonders why, with his body of half a man and half a woman, why it is so many 'normal' people, and even those 'on his side' hate him so.
Life seems frozen in place, at least my life. I have nowhere to go, nowhere to be, yet I run ragged trying to find a place. And what do I have to come back to? People who crave my time, crave for me to make them happy with no question to what it is I want.
I'm tired of getting sympathy I don't ask for, tired of giving sympathy to those I would trade lives with in a second. I'm tired of my words being hideous creations in my eyes and ears.
And more than anything, I'm just tired.
Like the title says, sometimes I hate everything. So many of you have tried to be good to me and it means so much to me. But for every one of you, then are about 3-5 people who see me as a source for enjoyment, and don't actually know what I feel. So many people who complain that the world is cruel and evil while they have so many things I don't, even the gall to say they have a loving family to me, and still wish to die.
I feel like my stories actual points, their actual reasons for being, are lost to the aether. As though all the heart and effort I put into them are mere shadows the the things that stick out in people minds.
I sometimes hate being me, being so nice. I've been homeless for a year, and without true family all my life. My mother was neurotic, angry, harsh. She literally said to me during the later parts of my life that I was a disappointment because I had a form of autism that prevented me from succeeded like her sister's children. She wanted me to be something she could rub in their faces, to use to say she was a good mother.
All my family was terrible for reasons I can't begin to explain. I was never physically beat, but I'd take a thousand lashes for the comfort of a kind word said with sincerity, with a real voice. One word to block out the thousands and thousands of hateful words that swim through my head, making it so everything I see is ugly and distorted.
I can't even read my own stories without seeing messes, piles of words hastily thrown together in a poor attempt to say something greater than myself.
I sit here, in my room, papers and words upon words upon words surrounding me, reminding me. I am 21, I have no job, I have no education. It feels like I have no future. My voice cracks each time I speak, hoarse from lack of use, as I have no one to speak to, no one I can go to for a time away from everything that burns at my insides.
I have a loving father, but even this is a warped parody of what we see in the lies scociety crafts on the Christmas and holiday specials presented to us year after year. He gives me a home, some of the most delicious food I've ever tasted. But his heart is fractured, his body and mind in disrepair. He drinks his woes away sometimes, and I am his shoulder as he wonders why, with his body of half a man and half a woman, why it is so many 'normal' people, and even those 'on his side' hate him so.
Life seems frozen in place, at least my life. I have nowhere to go, nowhere to be, yet I run ragged trying to find a place. And what do I have to come back to? People who crave my time, crave for me to make them happy with no question to what it is I want.
I'm tired of getting sympathy I don't ask for, tired of giving sympathy to those I would trade lives with in a second. I'm tired of my words being hideous creations in my eyes and ears.
And more than anything, I'm just tired.
I want to be able to comfort you, you mean so much more than just a writer and a friend.
If you want to talk, we're all ready to listen.
What else am I supposed to say to that...? :C
Wow holy fuck I feel validated
Yes I only just now logged in and saw this comment but I am slightly freaking out
I wish I had words...
Hope things get better for you. You deserve it.
There are so many people that don't just see you as a source of enjoyment. It's true that there are people like that, but this is the Internet, it's something you're going to expect. Sometimes, people can think they are friends with somebody when all they do is complain and boast. These people are not ones you should consider yourself friends with.
*sigh* As for the fact of your family, I'm really sorry. I don't have anything I can truly say to even attempt to start to help filling a hole like that. But I somewhat know what it feels like. I'm not saying that I have experienced what you have. I'm not saying that I have felt something equal. But I've gotten a taste. And it tastes sour. You had a rough past with your family, but that is the past. That can never be fixed, sadly enough. If we had time machines, life wouldn't be as full of sadness and things that want to drag you down as much as it is. But this is now. This is the present. The future is in front of us, and all we can do is look forward to it. There are so many people in the world that would love to talk to you, love to meet, you, hell, love to fall in love with you. All you have to do is look. And believe.
The final thing here is that I'm not putting this in a mean way, but the things that you say, that you have done nothing - that is a lie. You shouldn't think things like that. If you had done nothing with you life, you wouldn't be on this site, you wouldn't be the best goddamned writer I know, and I wouldn't be writing this comment! Like I said, you gotta look to the future. You can't look to things that drag you down and just think 'i am nothing.' That has brought too many people down. I am not, no matter what, going to let that happen to you. I am not going to let you destroy yourself. Because no matter what, you are my friend. And that means the world over to me. If I didn't have a friend like you, I wouldn't be the person I am today. Whenever I see a story of yours in my submissions box, and I was having a bad day, I can forget what happened that bad day. I can really just focus on the amazing worlds that you have come up with. And if you think that that doesn't mean something to me, then well, I don't know what to say, really.
In all honesty, the human race is a horrible thing. We have flaws. Corruption and greed, sadness and grief, whether it be bad or worse. But that's if you look at the shadows. Come out from under the eve, come into the sun! You have to look at the bright side of things! And like I said. If you stay in those shadows, you will destroy yourself. And I am not going to let that happen.
You are my friend.
And I truthfully do love you.
You have helped me through bad times, you have made my day more times than I can count.
I have gotten good laughs, good talk times, good roleplays, hell, good singular lines of conversation from you.
Now, as a final thought, I'd like to wrap this up, as my hands are starting to cramp from so much typing.
No matter what happens.
Don't stop moving forward.
Don't ever look back.
Don't ever stop thinking I care about you (I really do, you better damned believe it!)
And for all it's worth.
Don't ever think you are nothing. Never. I never want you to think that again. Because I swear to god, I will kill somebody if I have to type something like this again.
Please, listen to what I've said here. I don't want you to ever have to go away, or be hurt. I want to always be able to comfort you, no matter what.
If you need anything else, feel free to message me. I will always be happy to talk to you, or give support. Anytime. Ever.
...chat on skype?
There is tiredness of body, which requires rest for the body - that is, sleep.
There is tiredness of mind, which requires rest for the mind - either 'vegging' or occupying it with something stimulating but not brain-straining. Also, sleep.
There is tiredness of the heart, caused by going through constant heart-ache. I'd suggest doing something that eases your emotions and lifts your spirits. A simple, honest pleasure is usually the key.
Then there is tiredness of the spirit, caused by constantly seeking after false doctrine and internalizing lies. That kind of tiredness can only be cured by expelling the lies and accepting the truth.
If this depression has been going on for more than a day or two, we can probably rule out tiredness of body and mind. Most likely your tiredness is from your heart and spirit. So, I'd suggest the following:
Find a simple pleasure. You enjoy My Little Pony, yes? Try, as you go about your daily chores, playing some of your favorite music from the show and singing along. Get your daddy in on it, too! This will help heal your heart; the Enemy likes nothing more than to bring us suffering and deaden us from the genuine pleasures God has given us. If you like nature, go for a walk (though I personally find little refreshment in most of nature, so your mileage may vary). As for your spiritual tiredness, you have internalized the lie that you are worthless. Again, the Enemy likes to do this, too, and it's usually more harmful to you than just damaging your heart. So, what I'd suggest is pushing away the lie of "I'm worthless" and accepting that you are not worthless. God sent Christ to die for you; the Creator of all things has sent His Son to suffer the pain and indignity of the cross on your behalf. You are far from worthless, my dear, and the sooner you accept that, the better.
Whenever I've read any of your work I've always gotten a very unique feeling of enjoyment out of it, the kind I can't get from any other work of fiction. Reading your stories always brightens my day and leaves an imprint on my mind for the days to come. Your writing is very touching, unique and filled with good humour. Don't ever believe it is anything less.
Feeling tired with being too nice is something I can relate to, from personal experience. However, the fact that you have it in you to give kind words to strangers after all the bad stuff going on in your life is absolute proof that you are anything but worthless. It may have just been a few words between strangers over the internet, but you telling me not to feel bad about my AB side meant a lot to me. Thank you for that. I just wish I could come up with words that would help you.
You have every right to feel tired, just don't ever quit on yourself. Life WILL move forward.