FA+
Shop
The Past, the present, the future. A life update.
12 years ago
General
Dook!
(Translation: I shall decree!) It's been awhile since I have made a journal with substantial grit to it-- mostly filler to let people know that I am not dead, but actually lurking on FA everyday.
Since moving to Houston, I have had a myriad of issues, successes, and emotions that I have come across. Finally living on my own has put a lot of my thoughts and priorities into perspective. I think it has to do with having the ability to do more than what was available, but choosing not to in order to save money for things that are actually needed, e.g. food, toilet paper, and cigarettes. I get to be alone for long amounts of time, where I do not have to worry about judgement from my immediate family members, so I get a lot of time to think clearly. Some good thoughts, some bad, some... just thoughts:
For my new job, I have to shave off my face to keep deer-like accountants from being reminded of wolves, that could pounce and disembowel them with ease. This fact has put me in a bit of an identity crisis. For the last few years, I have been known because of my facial hair is slightly iconic to that of the White Jesus's. Once I remove it, I will need to assume a new identity until my contract has ended with the company. This is a bit difficult, as I never really had an identity before. I was just me. Boring old nerdy me. What comes later is that I must now think of a new costume to wear to Ren Fairs, as Jesus was a dual purpose costume to wear. This has actually been eating at me for a while... More than it should. But, I feel that I will come up with a solution or sweep it under the rug soon.
Moving has shown me a lot of things about myself. I never knew I could make it supporting myself and another person with only my job as income. This makes me feel good. I never knew that I could plan so well as to get all of my possessions here in one piece and keep them together. As a natural host, I like to invite people over to relax and socialize. This has made me very happy, as I could not do this before, because my father was so judgmental of my friends, since they did not fit within his dogma of what a good person is. A few people have become nearly permanent regulars, which has shown me who my true friends are and who have just tolerated my existence. Some of my friends have traveled great lengths just to come hang out for a bit. It has made me very happy to finally be able to entertain like I have always wanted to, since I made friends for the first time. I never knew I could cook or even devise a basic meal plan for myself, let alone another person. Also, bills have become slightly less scary now that I know how to budget. Life skills +10.
Being away from family has also led to me being able to express myself more openly without the fear of being evicted from my borrowed living quarters. This segue of my life has allowed me to explore my mind a little farther than normal. And deeper than I cared to go. Lately, I have been exploring my sexuality. (Sorry guys, this isn't a coming out the closet speech. I'm still "straight".) I have been trying to get to the bottom of why I have little to no attraction to people. I have no libido, yet I yearn for companionship in a romantic way. I still have no palpable answers that feel right, but this is a work in progress. I hope I can find an answer to these odd feelings that I have.
With my schema of personal sexuality being challenged, I think of my past failed relationships and think of what went wrong or what could have been. I know why most failed... I was an asshole, but some I do not know what went wrong. Two of them, I regret. Two different ones, I wish never happened, because they got hurt. One, I never wanted. Two, I regret having in the first place. And two got away. Out of those two that could have been more, I fucked it up. I fucked it up hard. The first was my first. We had dated for a collective of 2 years, until shit hit the fan and we grew apart. She's married now, so there is no need to stir the pot, since she is happy now. The other... I used to hate, because of the circumstances, but now miss the company and wish it had worked out. Sadly, a family member stepped in, then ruined a bit of travel plans. Honestly, I would give up a lot just to see if it could have worked out in another lifetime. I am a forgiving person, if an apology or explanation is involved. But, I have to learn from these experiences to better myself. I cannot dwell on "what could have been" or "what should have been". It's ok to entertain the idea here and there, but to let it eat you away is just a self-destructive spiral. I think I have finally been able to move on.
Relationships have always been the hardest task for me, yet I have been letting the idea to date again race on and off in my head again. I know I have posted more journals about my relationships than I care to admit, especially on the subject of giving up. This time, it's neutral. I have not given up completely, but I am not longer looking. If I find someone, then I do, if not, then I will be fine as well. Lately, I have been coming to peace that people are fickle when it comes to love, so I would like to be ready, personality-wise, for the occasion. Right now, I'm just living the dream, so should someone wish to share that dream, I would be more approachable to the idea if I gave the idea a chance versus completely giving up.
All in all, I have been amazed at how much happier I am, now that I am living on my own and with my best friend. It's just a good feeling. I think I'm happier now that I have quit my job that I have had since I moved here 5 months ago and started a new one for a lot more money. That might also have a big influence on my mood too. But I do miss some of the people I have met along the way.
tl;dr. I enjoy where I moved to and I have been overlooking my life. Plus the raptors have escaped into the woods, so I now have to go wrangle them up again before they eat too many children.
Since moving to Houston, I have had a myriad of issues, successes, and emotions that I have come across. Finally living on my own has put a lot of my thoughts and priorities into perspective. I think it has to do with having the ability to do more than what was available, but choosing not to in order to save money for things that are actually needed, e.g. food, toilet paper, and cigarettes. I get to be alone for long amounts of time, where I do not have to worry about judgement from my immediate family members, so I get a lot of time to think clearly. Some good thoughts, some bad, some... just thoughts:
For my new job, I have to shave off my face to keep deer-like accountants from being reminded of wolves, that could pounce and disembowel them with ease. This fact has put me in a bit of an identity crisis. For the last few years, I have been known because of my facial hair is slightly iconic to that of the White Jesus's. Once I remove it, I will need to assume a new identity until my contract has ended with the company. This is a bit difficult, as I never really had an identity before. I was just me. Boring old nerdy me. What comes later is that I must now think of a new costume to wear to Ren Fairs, as Jesus was a dual purpose costume to wear. This has actually been eating at me for a while... More than it should. But, I feel that I will come up with a solution or sweep it under the rug soon.
Moving has shown me a lot of things about myself. I never knew I could make it supporting myself and another person with only my job as income. This makes me feel good. I never knew that I could plan so well as to get all of my possessions here in one piece and keep them together. As a natural host, I like to invite people over to relax and socialize. This has made me very happy, as I could not do this before, because my father was so judgmental of my friends, since they did not fit within his dogma of what a good person is. A few people have become nearly permanent regulars, which has shown me who my true friends are and who have just tolerated my existence. Some of my friends have traveled great lengths just to come hang out for a bit. It has made me very happy to finally be able to entertain like I have always wanted to, since I made friends for the first time. I never knew I could cook or even devise a basic meal plan for myself, let alone another person. Also, bills have become slightly less scary now that I know how to budget. Life skills +10.
Being away from family has also led to me being able to express myself more openly without the fear of being evicted from my borrowed living quarters. This segue of my life has allowed me to explore my mind a little farther than normal. And deeper than I cared to go. Lately, I have been exploring my sexuality. (Sorry guys, this isn't a coming out the closet speech. I'm still "straight".) I have been trying to get to the bottom of why I have little to no attraction to people. I have no libido, yet I yearn for companionship in a romantic way. I still have no palpable answers that feel right, but this is a work in progress. I hope I can find an answer to these odd feelings that I have.
With my schema of personal sexuality being challenged, I think of my past failed relationships and think of what went wrong or what could have been. I know why most failed... I was an asshole, but some I do not know what went wrong. Two of them, I regret. Two different ones, I wish never happened, because they got hurt. One, I never wanted. Two, I regret having in the first place. And two got away. Out of those two that could have been more, I fucked it up. I fucked it up hard. The first was my first. We had dated for a collective of 2 years, until shit hit the fan and we grew apart. She's married now, so there is no need to stir the pot, since she is happy now. The other... I used to hate, because of the circumstances, but now miss the company and wish it had worked out. Sadly, a family member stepped in, then ruined a bit of travel plans. Honestly, I would give up a lot just to see if it could have worked out in another lifetime. I am a forgiving person, if an apology or explanation is involved. But, I have to learn from these experiences to better myself. I cannot dwell on "what could have been" or "what should have been". It's ok to entertain the idea here and there, but to let it eat you away is just a self-destructive spiral. I think I have finally been able to move on.
Relationships have always been the hardest task for me, yet I have been letting the idea to date again race on and off in my head again. I know I have posted more journals about my relationships than I care to admit, especially on the subject of giving up. This time, it's neutral. I have not given up completely, but I am not longer looking. If I find someone, then I do, if not, then I will be fine as well. Lately, I have been coming to peace that people are fickle when it comes to love, so I would like to be ready, personality-wise, for the occasion. Right now, I'm just living the dream, so should someone wish to share that dream, I would be more approachable to the idea if I gave the idea a chance versus completely giving up.
All in all, I have been amazed at how much happier I am, now that I am living on my own and with my best friend. It's just a good feeling. I think I'm happier now that I have quit my job that I have had since I moved here 5 months ago and started a new one for a lot more money. That might also have a big influence on my mood too. But I do miss some of the people I have met along the way.
tl;dr. I enjoy where I moved to and I have been overlooking my life. Plus the raptors have escaped into the woods, so I now have to go wrangle them up again before they eat too many children.
Please restrain your raptors, they ate one of my cats, or I press charges. >:C
It's really hard when you have trickster midgets running around undoing all the locks. :/
Give me a call sometime, so you can tell me what is going on.
Most relationships are never easy. I say most, because once you find someone that just fits into your life really well and the same for the other, it does make it easier. The rest is a series of how much you are willing to change/compromise to make it work.(this goes for both). The biggest thing and best is you realize where you went wrong and know not to make those mistakes again.
Relationships can be magical. I just think I draw the shorty end of the stick and find the most emotionally unstable people (with the exception of a couple of my ex's).
I've never had a decent beard, either