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Life updates and such.....
12 years ago
This was supposed to start off as an RF 2013 Meme....but really, whats the point?
The people that know me and care are already aware of my plans and know where I will be and how to get in touch with me. Plus, its not like anyone ever looks at what I post anyway. I'm sure when this is all said and done it wont get read either due to the length, but its the fact the its being said and/or written down that makes me feel somewhat better about it. This journal really is for me, and that's what matters, for I venture to guess maybe someone will read it and understand.
I'm way behind on posting things, a year or so to be exact. I have a pile of items that could show up on here and all of the memories good. I keep the list of pics and videos to myself mostly because no one views them any way so really, I have my remembrance and what other point is there? I'm not a member of any real group and quite frankly, I'm sick and tired of always feeling like that awkward friend that fits in the group but really doesn't belong. Outside of certain events and maybe the occasional con or two it never matters how much I try to get in touch or stay in touch with anyone, I just simply end up in silence. I'm sorry that I'm not good enough to know or be around and I am sick of having "friends" only because of the person that I'm dating. Been there, done that, and as soon as the relationship is over everyone hates you and you no longer exist. Honestly, I feel like I just don't need to bother you all anymore, because that's all I really feel like I am. I'm tired of being in this constant state of complete dysphoria hating myself and everything I do. I really long to just fit in somewhere and it seems even among what society calls rejects I do not belong. This isn't a vent journal, or a rage derp, or even some rage quit of the fandom. I'm not going anywhere and intend on having the fun I do with the few people that really want me around. I hate myself enough without the constant interaction of everyone else bringing me down further. Yeah, I'm not an artist, a fursuit maker, a writer, or a dancer fur. I'm not a popufur, and I never want to get there, but I've just had it with all the cliques and crap being stuffed in my face about how everyone else is better than me. This judgment system we have with ratings of fursuits (not even made by their owners), dance competitions, and all of these contests and games are just placing people on pedestals and harming the rest of us. I really want nothing to do with it. I'm tired of feeling like nothing and I've dealt with it for far too long. As one who has never fit in, I really am fed up with it all and wish that we could stop acting like so many of us are better than the others. I have news for you, YOU ARE NOT! But, to all of you out there, a great thank you for knowing exactly how to carry on those immature high school politics of being better than thou. Thanks for always making others feel worse about themselves, and thanks for taking the time out of your day to put down another human being so that you can feel better about your shitty situation. Thank you for taking all your insecurities out on those around you, and thanks for failing to admit that you too are not perfect, and everyone has problems. Thanks fandom for finding the many ways to continue to bring the worst out in others. I thank you all. So yeah, I don't fit in, I don't stand out, I don't shine bright like a star in the room, and I'm not special, but I am a human being and I do deserve some of the respect I pay you all. Call this what you may, but I call it the ramblings of a lone wolf who's tired of being treated like the bottom of life. Sick of being left out, left alone, caused to feel terrible about who I am, and made to feel like I just don't match up to the rest. Thanks for the life long complex, and thanks for the depression and thoughts of why I even go on. You should all feel great about what you do to others, and maybe one day it shall turn back on you. Until then, I hope you are happy, because I never will be.
To the ones who actually are my friends, this is not meant for you. But I have no where else to go. Yes, life sucks, we all have problems, and yes I may be venting. But I've had it with meaning nothing to myself or anyone else and I just can't take this depression anymore. I shouldn't need to suffer this way or wonder if I should be on medication just to be able to tolerate my life. To the few who stand by me, I'm troubled, and I thank you for being there. For the rest, I'm glad you are happy, but know what it is you do to others for that happiness to be there, and know what major sacrifices the few of us in this position make for you to even have that.
The people that know me and care are already aware of my plans and know where I will be and how to get in touch with me. Plus, its not like anyone ever looks at what I post anyway. I'm sure when this is all said and done it wont get read either due to the length, but its the fact the its being said and/or written down that makes me feel somewhat better about it. This journal really is for me, and that's what matters, for I venture to guess maybe someone will read it and understand.
I'm way behind on posting things, a year or so to be exact. I have a pile of items that could show up on here and all of the memories good. I keep the list of pics and videos to myself mostly because no one views them any way so really, I have my remembrance and what other point is there? I'm not a member of any real group and quite frankly, I'm sick and tired of always feeling like that awkward friend that fits in the group but really doesn't belong. Outside of certain events and maybe the occasional con or two it never matters how much I try to get in touch or stay in touch with anyone, I just simply end up in silence. I'm sorry that I'm not good enough to know or be around and I am sick of having "friends" only because of the person that I'm dating. Been there, done that, and as soon as the relationship is over everyone hates you and you no longer exist. Honestly, I feel like I just don't need to bother you all anymore, because that's all I really feel like I am. I'm tired of being in this constant state of complete dysphoria hating myself and everything I do. I really long to just fit in somewhere and it seems even among what society calls rejects I do not belong. This isn't a vent journal, or a rage derp, or even some rage quit of the fandom. I'm not going anywhere and intend on having the fun I do with the few people that really want me around. I hate myself enough without the constant interaction of everyone else bringing me down further. Yeah, I'm not an artist, a fursuit maker, a writer, or a dancer fur. I'm not a popufur, and I never want to get there, but I've just had it with all the cliques and crap being stuffed in my face about how everyone else is better than me. This judgment system we have with ratings of fursuits (not even made by their owners), dance competitions, and all of these contests and games are just placing people on pedestals and harming the rest of us. I really want nothing to do with it. I'm tired of feeling like nothing and I've dealt with it for far too long. As one who has never fit in, I really am fed up with it all and wish that we could stop acting like so many of us are better than the others. I have news for you, YOU ARE NOT! But, to all of you out there, a great thank you for knowing exactly how to carry on those immature high school politics of being better than thou. Thanks for always making others feel worse about themselves, and thanks for taking the time out of your day to put down another human being so that you can feel better about your shitty situation. Thank you for taking all your insecurities out on those around you, and thanks for failing to admit that you too are not perfect, and everyone has problems. Thanks fandom for finding the many ways to continue to bring the worst out in others. I thank you all. So yeah, I don't fit in, I don't stand out, I don't shine bright like a star in the room, and I'm not special, but I am a human being and I do deserve some of the respect I pay you all. Call this what you may, but I call it the ramblings of a lone wolf who's tired of being treated like the bottom of life. Sick of being left out, left alone, caused to feel terrible about who I am, and made to feel like I just don't match up to the rest. Thanks for the life long complex, and thanks for the depression and thoughts of why I even go on. You should all feel great about what you do to others, and maybe one day it shall turn back on you. Until then, I hope you are happy, because I never will be.
To the ones who actually are my friends, this is not meant for you. But I have no where else to go. Yes, life sucks, we all have problems, and yes I may be venting. But I've had it with meaning nothing to myself or anyone else and I just can't take this depression anymore. I shouldn't need to suffer this way or wonder if I should be on medication just to be able to tolerate my life. To the few who stand by me, I'm troubled, and I thank you for being there. For the rest, I'm glad you are happy, but know what it is you do to others for that happiness to be there, and know what major sacrifices the few of us in this position make for you to even have that.
Also, I have yet to meet you, but I must say im excited to! You seem like a lot of fun and very nice! The Twinky Arts suiters gotta stick together right! I hope that you feel better, I know how you feel, I used to be in that state of mind and it really does suck. If people wanna think they are better than you, just let them. They aren't worth your time at that point, make the time in your life for people you know care, life isn't about contests, its about finding your place and people who reside there.
Sending you many hugs!
It's not the same problem as you, but I used to have social anxiety disorder. I used to be unable to even get out of my appartment to feed myself, it was that bad! Combined with it was obviously depression and I hope I will never feel that way again. It was not pleasant. Thankfully, I changed my ways and went from a social anxiety disorder guy to a social meet organizer?! Talk about some major changes! The reason I'm saying this is because... I have no clue what you had to go through life and I won't pretend to, but I don't think people see you as bad as you think they are. I know I had a skewed idea of how I was perceived by others when I had my disorder. For what it's worth, I wouldn't mind at all getting to know you more. I'm quiet-ish, so we haven't spoke much to each other the two times I've seen you. It is definitely not because I didn't wanted to talk to you. I just rarely am the one who starts conversations.
About the pictures, if you ever choose to post them online, I know I'd look at them I love fursuit pics!
By the way, I would totally love seeing you more often at my meets, but the distance... Gaaah :x I know it's complicated for you to show up to them. You seem like a nice guy! So you're always welcome to them.
I mean, look at me, even I'm not an artist nor a writer. I may not be the best dancer, cook, etc. However, I just have fun doing those things because I felt like it. Although, I can be shy at sometimes because some may laugh at me or make fun of me, but you know what, who cares! I'm not even perfect nor popular, and I NEVER wanted to be considered one. Plus, even I felt left out or been outcast.
I may not know you all that well or at all, but just from reading that I can see what everybody can relate to, and I wish that there was a fave button to fave this journal. Also, sorry you feel that way. Hope you feel alot better soon. Stay strong. *hug*
I've been in this crazy group called furries for a few years, almost a decade, not as long as some, but I will say this. Since leaving the world of defining my presence in the fandom by the instant messaging conversations I have, and other social media, I have never felt belittled. I have an online presence but these days I count my status by the real face to face interactions I have and I must say no one has made me feel like I'm being shunned in high school any more.
My suggestion, to someone in your situation wondering about your own self value, is to think about the last few friends you interacted with face to face. Think about what you know you could ask of them if you really had need of something. When I think about my life in those terms I feel blessed and I hope you do as well. *Hugs tight*