As many of you know, I have not been home now for quite some time and things do tend to grow very lonely and alone on the road. Sometimes its tough having the position that I do and being in this constant pull of having to be where one is needed to support the efforts of an invisible entity. Leads to allot of time alone and turning to ones self for company, which in many ways can be quite dangerous. I am doing well though and as far as the advancement of my life and its forward progress. Things recently are great! I have many upcoming opportunities opening up many new doors for me professionally. Both with my career and some side projects of mine in the DJ communities I am doing great! Now, as with many things, these great strides forward do meet and end to the path. Personally speaking I am starved, not for the sustenance of a meal, but for the attention of others. My personal relationships with many are a complete mess if not total failure, and my social interaction with others leaves so much to be desired. I long for companionship as anyone does and at times it does drag me down that I do not often have this. I have began to become jealous of others, especially those who I know that appear to do very well socially. Yes, to those who know me on a personal level I am somewhat of an extreme introvert and do suffer from social anxiety. This is actually a very funny fact considering my line of work and how successful I am at it. Plus, professionally speaking there is no mountain I can't climb or thing I can't make happen. In a professional environment or working environment I am absolutely on point and ready to tackle any item. So, the fact that I have such a difficult time on a personal level is something is a massive enigma, even to me. How does the table turn in such a way? Now, I love my career, I love what I do, and I love all of my side projects! I cannot wait to keep climbing up those ladders!

But I digress, I mentioned before that I am beginning to become jealous of others, and this is true. Many have not noticed it, and I hide it well to the world, but I can't stand seeing how easy it is for so many other people to gain friends and relationships with others. My small group of friends always seems to be an ever dwindling number, followed up by the continued emptiness of that space. For the few that are still around and do tolerate me, I am deeply grateful and would really do anything for you. I have a very deep sense of pride and honor for those few friends to the point where I would lay my life down had it ever come to it saving theirs. I am actually quite serious on that fact as well, the people in my life that do have meaning have come to such a great value to me that even I am below that level. Again though, I am kind of straying off path and rambling on about nonsense just to hear myself speak. Getting back on point, this apparent loss of self worth and jealousy being held in my heart over such things is coming to a very critical point. The feelings spinning around inside me and thoughts that run through my head have finally achieved critical mass to where it is affecting my day to day life. I am losing sleep, losing interest in everything other than my professional projects, losing friends, and losing sight of myself. Now, getting to my real point in all this, I heard a song the other day that really stuck in my head. The name of it was Bad Blood and the message I took from it really drove home and kinda hit me hard. Hard as in crying almost non stop for a couple of days in wondering what have I done wrong and why am I this way. In all this however, it did make me think. The message made me step back a ways and ponder all that hatred in my heart, all the thoughts of things being unfair and biased, and all of that anger that has been building up causing me to turn away from social interaction even more lately. In other words, I need to let it go. No, I am not also quoting that song as well, as a matter of fact, good movie or not I am sick of hearing that cheery Disney crap.

Now, I guess to get to the point of all this, I am writing much of this as the thoughts are going through my head and yes some of it is just to hear myself speak. However, the real point of me writing this down is to have a note of my thoughts to be able to reflect on. Something to remember and remind myself of. This is also a way of me getting my thoughts into a tangible form for some of the few people that actually care and may be able to help guide me forward on this. As a person, I have lost almost all of my self worth and am really having a hard time seeing the future right now. As a professional, the sun is shining and the world could not be better. How do the rest of you balance these two things? What brings the light to your lives that makes this all work? I am working on letting the deeper issues in my life go and forgetting all of those things on the past that have led to me ending up here. I no longer wish to harbor that hate and anger that I carried with me and I am letting that burden go from my heart. The thing now that remains, is that step forward to making things better and making the difference that brings it all to change. That step is what has left me standing here paralyzed.

"All this bad blood here, won't you let it dry?
It's been cold for years, won't you let it lie?"

This song perfectly explains the way I feel: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-boKk8uhmcY

To anyone who actually read all of this, I commend you! I know this was long, and much of it is only self reflections, but thank you for hearing me out.