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"The feeling of alone." +Thoughts of mine as of late.
12 years ago
General
Hello, big world. I'm coming very close to being an adult now. With that, comes realizations I'd rather ignore:
"I need work. I can't sit at home on the compy all day."
"I need more good friends so I don't spend most of my life alone."
"I need a car so I can get around in my hometown."
"I need a boyfriend so I can get the companionship I crave. I would love a deep relationship right now."
But... They're truths that are real. Some of them are painful, too. I'm sick of being by myself all the time. It's not like I have the transportation or money to go to the bar or the coffee shop. It takes a bit some days for me not to be depressed. How do I achieve these needs anyway?
What the hell is "22" anyway? In January, I'll be turning 23, and what the hell is that? How does a 22 year old behave? How do I act my age and become a part of such a world? How to be an adult has eluded me sine I was 18. Then again, at 16 I decided I wasn't going to grow up or mature because of everything that was happening then.
My case manager and counselor are helping me with this-- but I still feel I should take some drive myself-- If I only knew how.
About the whole boyfriend thing... I'm not going to date anyone online because of several reasons. Someone can't hold me across a Skype call. I can't bake sweets for someone or cook for them if he lives clear across the US. I can't make out with someone on the phone and actually taste how sweet it is. And... How can it be fun to long for someone if they're miles away? I don't have the money for bus or plane tickets.
And if you get to know me well on here and you insist on dating me-- if that's remotely possible-- Unless you are in my area or will commit to making the trips to come see me, it won't happen. That's just a future thing I'm going to tell any guy I meet on the internet.
As it is now, if I'm not going to volunteer or run errands, I'm usually on my own all day on the compy trying to fill my time and ignore this void that I have in my heart right now: the feeling of alone. I'm fine at the beginning of the day, but as it goes on, it gets stronger and stronger. If someone asks me what's wrong when I'm with family or friends, I'll usually reply, "Nothing. I'll be alright." It's a huge lie, but it's not one I want to admit to my mom or some friends. And with that, it cuts deep when Marikoe says, "Yeah, you do need more friends." Innately I know that, and I wouldn't have said something if I didn't.
I'm at an emotional low because of this. It's not the worst I've had in my life, but it digs deep at my heart and happiness at the moment. "I feel like shit," and I really want to do something about it.
I doubt this will ever be a professional account. If you're a watcher, be one because you appreciate the occasional postings I put up and... hmm... Because you like me I guess? I'm astounded when I do pick up a watcher because some of them are people I've never met before. I thank each and every one of you. Please don't be shy to comment-- I'll reply back as long as I know you will.
...
Sometimes it'd be nice to have someone who could hold me and love me, and spend time with me. That's the need I want fulfilled. To share a bed and house and not be left alone. Who could stand that loneliness anyway?
"I need work. I can't sit at home on the compy all day."
"I need more good friends so I don't spend most of my life alone."
"I need a car so I can get around in my hometown."
"I need a boyfriend so I can get the companionship I crave. I would love a deep relationship right now."
But... They're truths that are real. Some of them are painful, too. I'm sick of being by myself all the time. It's not like I have the transportation or money to go to the bar or the coffee shop. It takes a bit some days for me not to be depressed. How do I achieve these needs anyway?
What the hell is "22" anyway? In January, I'll be turning 23, and what the hell is that? How does a 22 year old behave? How do I act my age and become a part of such a world? How to be an adult has eluded me sine I was 18. Then again, at 16 I decided I wasn't going to grow up or mature because of everything that was happening then.
My case manager and counselor are helping me with this-- but I still feel I should take some drive myself-- If I only knew how.
About the whole boyfriend thing... I'm not going to date anyone online because of several reasons. Someone can't hold me across a Skype call. I can't bake sweets for someone or cook for them if he lives clear across the US. I can't make out with someone on the phone and actually taste how sweet it is. And... How can it be fun to long for someone if they're miles away? I don't have the money for bus or plane tickets.
And if you get to know me well on here and you insist on dating me-- if that's remotely possible-- Unless you are in my area or will commit to making the trips to come see me, it won't happen. That's just a future thing I'm going to tell any guy I meet on the internet.
As it is now, if I'm not going to volunteer or run errands, I'm usually on my own all day on the compy trying to fill my time and ignore this void that I have in my heart right now: the feeling of alone. I'm fine at the beginning of the day, but as it goes on, it gets stronger and stronger. If someone asks me what's wrong when I'm with family or friends, I'll usually reply, "Nothing. I'll be alright." It's a huge lie, but it's not one I want to admit to my mom or some friends. And with that, it cuts deep when Marikoe says, "Yeah, you do need more friends." Innately I know that, and I wouldn't have said something if I didn't.
I'm at an emotional low because of this. It's not the worst I've had in my life, but it digs deep at my heart and happiness at the moment. "I feel like shit," and I really want to do something about it.
I doubt this will ever be a professional account. If you're a watcher, be one because you appreciate the occasional postings I put up and... hmm... Because you like me I guess? I'm astounded when I do pick up a watcher because some of them are people I've never met before. I thank each and every one of you. Please don't be shy to comment-- I'll reply back as long as I know you will.
...
Sometimes it'd be nice to have someone who could hold me and love me, and spend time with me. That's the need I want fulfilled. To share a bed and house and not be left alone. Who could stand that loneliness anyway?
