First and foremost I love myself. I do, I love who I am. Yes I know my faults, and sometimes they make me a little sad, but I still love myself. Sometimes I will mention my faults, and the issues I have with them, this is not me putting myself down! This is me admitting that I am human! If you see me doing this, be grateful, it means that I am trying to open up to you. It means that I am trusting you not to bash me, or tell me to shut up and stop beating myself up. I am willingly exposing, and discussing another side of my nature to you. The last thing I want or need is someone raging at me for being who I am, and trying to express it. You wonder why I don't talk about my feelings, my past, my hopes and dreams? It's because you won't even accept the other parts of me! Why should I give you only the good if you can't accept the bad?

Then there is the fear. Yes, I can have a very dark and morbid mind at times. I apparently scare people with things my mind can come up with. Just because I can imagine it does not mean that I would ever do it. Hell if that were the case then Stephen King would be a psychopathic pedophile murderer on death row by now.

I don't hate myself, I hate my life. The way things are going, I don't see a positive future no matter what I do. And I have tried to do a lot of different things to fulfill my life. So what do you do when nearly all your inhibitions have reached a dead end?

The SCA was a bust, it's one of the most expensive hobbies I have ever seen. I can't write worth a damn, so becoming a writer is out. My art is my sanctuary, where no one can touch me, and I can do what I desire. If I started doing art for pay it would destroy everything my art means to me. It would be like giving up one's freedom, and I don't have much of that to spare. So yes, I am going to be selfish when it comes to my art. I can't take demands when it comes to my art, I won't. It's the one thing I have in this world that is purely me. At the same time, it doesn't give me much of a future does it? Which comes to my next idea and dilemma. I could try to embark on my childhood dreams again...

I originally went to college to become a computer animator. That was a heaping pile of fail, let me tell ya. While I got some fantastic lessons on the inner workings of films and movies I just couldn't do the academics. Then financial aid ran out on me, and I had to quit a year and a half into my four year program. So I didn't even get a quarter of what I needed to carry on my studies.

To be honest, computer animation was my fall back plan. I originally wanted to be a voice actor. I got in touch with a Disney producer once, and asked him what I could do to accomplish that dream. He said to take voice lessons, and join a drama club. So I joined the school's chorus, and my English teacher tried to create a drama club for the middle school. Sadly the drama club didn't work out, not enough kids were interested. I stayed in chorus, and choir well into high school, just never got a voice coach. So here I am considering it again. I just don't want it to be another dead end in my life.

Work, family, love, education, health...avenues that have all been shut down in one way or another. A lot of times against my own will, or happenstances that were beyond my control. I don't have much left, right now there is just me, and I'm lost. I am so lost and alone. This is not the life I wanted. I wanted to be out in the world making a difference. I wanted to live. To feel every day like I could do anything, even if it was nothing at all. I want the last words I hear before I die to be someone I love saying they love me, and meaning it. I want my life to have mattered to someone other them myself- to have accomplished something no matter how small.

OMG Bach's Prelude from Suite No. 1 cello in G major, just came on my playlist. *swoons* Oh, and it's the Yo-Yo Ma version. *double swoons*

...*bursts into hysterical laughter* BACH!!! So that's why I don't give up. Couldn't stand an unfinished symphony. I get it now. Even more reason for me to love the man now, other then the music he could write for the cello. XD Oh yeah, the cello is by far my favorite musical instrument, the violin and piano tie for second.