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An update of semi-epic proportions
12 years ago
General
It is with a heavy heart that I update you all with what has been happening in this werewolf's life. Please note that I am in no way asking for pity, or am seeking attention, but I need to get a few things off my chest. I'm sure that there may be a few others out there that may be going through the same things that I am going through, or have been in the same situation that I am in. So I hope that my words may either be a comfort to those who feel that they are alone in the world, or think that they are the only ones going through something in their life.
Personal Life
This past year has been fraught with so many emotional upheavals that I cannot begin to properly convey the depth and gravity of the situations that I have had to deal with. So I will try, without listing people's names, to share with you a few of the last few failed attempts at love.
Back story
I don't share my emotions with just anyone, nor will I attempt to engage anyone in any sort of intimate setting, whether it be a simple cuddle-session, or a romp-in-the-rough. I have had my heart broken too many times for a plethora of reasons. This tends to make me seem jaded, disinterested, or even callused in life. It is not something that I like to admit, but it's the truth. However, when I find someone that I believe is worth my effort and time, I will not hold anything back at showing them that I am more than just the werewolf, the fur/persona that is so much of my life.
Many people have asked "why a werewolf?" when it comes to my fursona. The easy answer is that I did not choose this, but rather the werewolf chose me. At age 19 I noticed that my moods or emotions would wildly change days right before the full moon. I could sense it more so than anyone around me. This became commonplace and the role of beast, instability, and an uncontrollable ravaging need for emotional and physical conquest took hold. This naturally lent itself to the werewolf fur/persona. Over the years, this morphed into "the curse of the werewolf". My life became unexpectedly complicated just before my twenty-first birthday and because of this complication, my world was turned upside down. The things that I knew, loved, and even enjoyed took a back seat to taking stock of my life. I started to pick up the pieces of a medical shitstorm, a (rather public) failed engagement, and a move to state that I knew no one in. Now in trying to find some semblance of normality in everything that was going on at the time, I fell for two people at two different times. One of which did not want me, and the other was half a country away. So, fast-forward to 2012 and here's what been happening.
The Past Year
I present to you PERSON-A. This person I fell for because of their quirkiness and interest in things that were a bit...taboo. Now while our time together lasted maybe two months, I had to play the dominant, or parenting role in the relationship. I felt more of a person that was giving more than what he was getting. There really wasn't an equal and equitable trade in emotional fulfillment. So right after the new year's, I ended this relationship because of constant conflicting needs and misunderstandings.
A few months later, PERSON-B CAME into my life and things were going swell...UNTIL, the person decided that someone quite young without the complications that I posed would be more beneficial to them. So, sadly our relationship ended quite abruptly.
Now after a period of reflection, personal growth, and suggestions from my friends, I joined a rather popular dating site with the prospect of meeting new people. Now I met someone, PERSON-C, and we spent a good two months together. This person I decided would gain all the attention, respect, and restraint that I could possibly muster. They were the center of my life at this point. But after revealing the curse that is me, I was pushed aside yet again. This person, however, used words in such a way that they cut to the core of my inner being. They said, and I quote, "a large part of me feels like a child pouting about their favorite toy getting broken & their mom asking them to toss it before they hurt themselves with it. (This is not exaggeration, I can prove this to anyone that thinks that I am lying about this).
So as you can see there is a cycle of openness, attraction, and rejection that has plagued my life. Many of my friends have and keep saying that "you'll find someone" or "there are breakthroughs being made" or "person X just got married, so there's hope for you" in an effort to try to cheer me up. But after thirteen years of heartache, I really am on the verge of giving up. I do not see the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel, nor am I seeing anyone that will not follow the same pattern as before. So, in essence, and to put things simply, I have become jaded, uninterested, boring, without a muse.
Recent Events
On September 19, 2013, I was involved in a car accident that had me rushed to the ER. A driver t-boned me in the driver's side, thus totaling my new 2013 Corolla. Just recently I bought a replacement car, a Camry, and am fairing better since the accident. Some days are better than others, but this is to be expected considering the nature of the crash. Also, I have gone back to college to finish my degree in Computer Science. So as a full time IT Specialist work on an Air Force Base, and a full time student, my time is rather limited and stretched thin. Yet, I do find the time to make people those who are in my life feel special should they want me around.
The Rant
In the past year I have been contemplating what I am doing with the local fur scene as I feel more used and ostracized from those that at one point I would call close friends. It seems that the people that I am around either want me around either to cook for them, help them out financially, be "the perfect friend", or become the significant other when their "other" is away. Yet when it comes to the needs of myself, no one in the local scene has the time of day to even help or get me through whatever simple problem or crisis is at hand. Things are very one-sided. So, I have separated myself from the fur-scene in an effort to press the reset button on my relationships with everyone that I am/was associated with. This has spilled over into the fur-scene as whole, and to those who follow me I do have to say that I am sorry.
There are some of you who make me smile on a daily basis and know what to say, and when to say it. You are part of my extended family. Now, some people, and I choose my words very carefully, need to observe their surroundings and act in a more appropriate fashion. Some people need to learn restraint and learn common decency. And others...well...I hope that one day they grow up. But this is life, and as such, I know that it will come with its wide and varied characters.
The only thing that I ask is that if you engage me in conversation, or any social situation, that you treat me like you would any other. I do not appreciate the lack of etiquette or acceptable decorum that some people have/willingly display. Nor do I relish the notion that rejection is commonplace for a fandom that thrives in the acceptance of everyone. And while some people may have issues, many with varying degrees of complications, please step back and try to put yourself in their shoes for once. Take the concept of "walking a mile in someone else's shoes" to heart, and truly have an open heart when it comes to understanding others for who they are and what they are going through.
Personal Note
I write with a vagueness that I know can be hard to follow at times. Should you want to ask me something personal, or want clarification on anything that I have written above, you are more than welcome to send me direct messages. I do read and respond to them when I can.
...also I'm going through the 400+ submissions that are in my queue, and the 170+ journals that you all have written...this will take some time...done
Personal Life
This past year has been fraught with so many emotional upheavals that I cannot begin to properly convey the depth and gravity of the situations that I have had to deal with. So I will try, without listing people's names, to share with you a few of the last few failed attempts at love.
Back story
I don't share my emotions with just anyone, nor will I attempt to engage anyone in any sort of intimate setting, whether it be a simple cuddle-session, or a romp-in-the-rough. I have had my heart broken too many times for a plethora of reasons. This tends to make me seem jaded, disinterested, or even callused in life. It is not something that I like to admit, but it's the truth. However, when I find someone that I believe is worth my effort and time, I will not hold anything back at showing them that I am more than just the werewolf, the fur/persona that is so much of my life.
Many people have asked "why a werewolf?" when it comes to my fursona. The easy answer is that I did not choose this, but rather the werewolf chose me. At age 19 I noticed that my moods or emotions would wildly change days right before the full moon. I could sense it more so than anyone around me. This became commonplace and the role of beast, instability, and an uncontrollable ravaging need for emotional and physical conquest took hold. This naturally lent itself to the werewolf fur/persona. Over the years, this morphed into "the curse of the werewolf". My life became unexpectedly complicated just before my twenty-first birthday and because of this complication, my world was turned upside down. The things that I knew, loved, and even enjoyed took a back seat to taking stock of my life. I started to pick up the pieces of a medical shitstorm, a (rather public) failed engagement, and a move to state that I knew no one in. Now in trying to find some semblance of normality in everything that was going on at the time, I fell for two people at two different times. One of which did not want me, and the other was half a country away. So, fast-forward to 2012 and here's what been happening.
The Past Year
I present to you PERSON-A. This person I fell for because of their quirkiness and interest in things that were a bit...taboo. Now while our time together lasted maybe two months, I had to play the dominant, or parenting role in the relationship. I felt more of a person that was giving more than what he was getting. There really wasn't an equal and equitable trade in emotional fulfillment. So right after the new year's, I ended this relationship because of constant conflicting needs and misunderstandings.
A few months later, PERSON-B CAME into my life and things were going swell...UNTIL, the person decided that someone quite young without the complications that I posed would be more beneficial to them. So, sadly our relationship ended quite abruptly.
Now after a period of reflection, personal growth, and suggestions from my friends, I joined a rather popular dating site with the prospect of meeting new people. Now I met someone, PERSON-C, and we spent a good two months together. This person I decided would gain all the attention, respect, and restraint that I could possibly muster. They were the center of my life at this point. But after revealing the curse that is me, I was pushed aside yet again. This person, however, used words in such a way that they cut to the core of my inner being. They said, and I quote, "a large part of me feels like a child pouting about their favorite toy getting broken & their mom asking them to toss it before they hurt themselves with it. (This is not exaggeration, I can prove this to anyone that thinks that I am lying about this).
So as you can see there is a cycle of openness, attraction, and rejection that has plagued my life. Many of my friends have and keep saying that "you'll find someone" or "there are breakthroughs being made" or "person X just got married, so there's hope for you" in an effort to try to cheer me up. But after thirteen years of heartache, I really am on the verge of giving up. I do not see the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel, nor am I seeing anyone that will not follow the same pattern as before. So, in essence, and to put things simply, I have become jaded, uninterested, boring, without a muse.
Recent Events
On September 19, 2013, I was involved in a car accident that had me rushed to the ER. A driver t-boned me in the driver's side, thus totaling my new 2013 Corolla. Just recently I bought a replacement car, a Camry, and am fairing better since the accident. Some days are better than others, but this is to be expected considering the nature of the crash. Also, I have gone back to college to finish my degree in Computer Science. So as a full time IT Specialist work on an Air Force Base, and a full time student, my time is rather limited and stretched thin. Yet, I do find the time to make people those who are in my life feel special should they want me around.
The Rant
In the past year I have been contemplating what I am doing with the local fur scene as I feel more used and ostracized from those that at one point I would call close friends. It seems that the people that I am around either want me around either to cook for them, help them out financially, be "the perfect friend", or become the significant other when their "other" is away. Yet when it comes to the needs of myself, no one in the local scene has the time of day to even help or get me through whatever simple problem or crisis is at hand. Things are very one-sided. So, I have separated myself from the fur-scene in an effort to press the reset button on my relationships with everyone that I am/was associated with. This has spilled over into the fur-scene as whole, and to those who follow me I do have to say that I am sorry.
There are some of you who make me smile on a daily basis and know what to say, and when to say it. You are part of my extended family. Now, some people, and I choose my words very carefully, need to observe their surroundings and act in a more appropriate fashion. Some people need to learn restraint and learn common decency. And others...well...I hope that one day they grow up. But this is life, and as such, I know that it will come with its wide and varied characters.
The only thing that I ask is that if you engage me in conversation, or any social situation, that you treat me like you would any other. I do not appreciate the lack of etiquette or acceptable decorum that some people have/willingly display. Nor do I relish the notion that rejection is commonplace for a fandom that thrives in the acceptance of everyone. And while some people may have issues, many with varying degrees of complications, please step back and try to put yourself in their shoes for once. Take the concept of "walking a mile in someone else's shoes" to heart, and truly have an open heart when it comes to understanding others for who they are and what they are going through.
Personal Note
I write with a vagueness that I know can be hard to follow at times. Should you want to ask me something personal, or want clarification on anything that I have written above, you are more than welcome to send me direct messages. I do read and respond to them when I can.
