Account dead, surgery NOT a success(scars healed, yet on even more meds), lost job, indefinite leave due to health, feel like I'm failing, stuck here, haven't moved, hate this! Mother-in-law wants wedding plans now, but has to be as cheap as possible, she's ashamed of her son for picking someone like me. She already told me I don't deserve to enjoy a wedding or my life, and she's right. I don't plan on marriage anyways, might as well stay in this pseudo-engagement forever, seizures suck, never getting back to school, cut off from friends, can't sleep, then sleep for days, don't even feel like myself.

Mania, that's right this is mania, been here before. Welcome back, old friend. Or perhaps are you depression? Too ashamed to tell anyone the cocktail of medication is not stable with me. Too ashamed to tell anyone I am a nut job. Hold it together, just a bit longer. Keep up appearances, his families coming, his brother's getting married and I don't want to make this about me.

Selfish they'll say, crazy, shameful.... why'd they pick her? I don't know. I hate myself right now and I don't mean to sound so mopey. Here they keep yelling if I cry. "stop feeling sorry for yourself, shut up, stop pouting." Working WAS everything to me, even it it was a piddling little job. It meant I had won over epilepsy, that i could be normal. But when you go down as often as I do, need to see a doctor so often, have to go to the e.r. from work more than once, you're no longer wanted. Cast off with disgust like my fiance's family would if they could. I only exist here because of him and I can never truly be welcome.

I apologize to any who actually bothered to read this. Thanks for listening.