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And then there was just one...
12 years ago
So I am back at this journal thing, Was thinking when I left my friend's house at how many people I have affected and how many friends I care about. Like really care about with watching their backs and stuff. It is a small list of people who I will stay up and watch, make sure that they are doing well and lend money to knowing that they will pay me back. I do this to strangers and people that I have met for the first time as well but not on the same amount of time that I do for my sincere friends.
Tonight I offered to leave my car at a friends place to drive a friend and his wife, who is also a friend, to their house and crash at their place. They were about to do it when the other friend offered to have them stay on their comfy couches. I was cool with it knowing that they were not going to be messed with and that they could use a mini vacation from their 4 children. I have done this in the past where I am worried about a friend's health or situation to watch over them as a guardian and as a friend who cares. Many people take my kindness for granted but very few pay me back for it. Thoughts of the past of previous incidents like this came to pass, thinking of people that I have known and done this for who came into my life and have gone because they have their lives to deal with.
Then came the thought of how alone I was and reminded me of a poem, or a short story... Cannot remember which one it was where two people were closing at the end of the night, one who was married and wanted to go home with their spouse to cuddle up with and then the other who was old yet was alone. He wandered through the streets dancing around and looking at other places because he did not envy those people, he was happy. I thought hard about that and thought I was happy however I have yet to actually feel a true relationship. I do not know of this love and a relationship with another aside from me watching people have boyfriends and girlfriends, relationships and marriages breaking up. Am I forever alone I thought? Quite possibly due to how old I am and how I do not know the actual true feeling of physical and emotional love. I have just sat on the sidelines and watched people be happy and sad with their relationships.
I still live with my parents. Working a job that can be laughed at but at least I am working. I spend most of my paycheck helping out other people and have little money for myself. I put others ahead instead of myself and I am currently fine with that. However I do know in the future I will not have luxuries that I have now and it scares me a little. However I honestly live in the present most days and wonder what tomorrow will bring. Will it be good, or bad, or just a bland day?
I do not know. And that is why I am just one and I am here. Thank you for all who helped me be here.
On a side note, I have a lot of roleplaying game books that could use a good home. If you want to know the ones I am trying to get rid of sent me a note.
Tonight I offered to leave my car at a friends place to drive a friend and his wife, who is also a friend, to their house and crash at their place. They were about to do it when the other friend offered to have them stay on their comfy couches. I was cool with it knowing that they were not going to be messed with and that they could use a mini vacation from their 4 children. I have done this in the past where I am worried about a friend's health or situation to watch over them as a guardian and as a friend who cares. Many people take my kindness for granted but very few pay me back for it. Thoughts of the past of previous incidents like this came to pass, thinking of people that I have known and done this for who came into my life and have gone because they have their lives to deal with.
Then came the thought of how alone I was and reminded me of a poem, or a short story... Cannot remember which one it was where two people were closing at the end of the night, one who was married and wanted to go home with their spouse to cuddle up with and then the other who was old yet was alone. He wandered through the streets dancing around and looking at other places because he did not envy those people, he was happy. I thought hard about that and thought I was happy however I have yet to actually feel a true relationship. I do not know of this love and a relationship with another aside from me watching people have boyfriends and girlfriends, relationships and marriages breaking up. Am I forever alone I thought? Quite possibly due to how old I am and how I do not know the actual true feeling of physical and emotional love. I have just sat on the sidelines and watched people be happy and sad with their relationships.
I still live with my parents. Working a job that can be laughed at but at least I am working. I spend most of my paycheck helping out other people and have little money for myself. I put others ahead instead of myself and I am currently fine with that. However I do know in the future I will not have luxuries that I have now and it scares me a little. However I honestly live in the present most days and wonder what tomorrow will bring. Will it be good, or bad, or just a bland day?
I do not know. And that is why I am just one and I am here. Thank you for all who helped me be here.
On a side note, I have a lot of roleplaying game books that could use a good home. If you want to know the ones I am trying to get rid of sent me a note.
You made my time better that weekend and I am sure you did so for others well. If you are happy keep it up, but if you are looking to change your lifestyle, get a different job or start a relationship I think you will do well, just stay optimistic, dedicated, and be who you are!