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some kind of update
12 years ago
General
first: Hello to lovely people who put me on watch lately. It's great to see someone enjoys the art I post.
I need to take a harder look at my relationship with my art and the people I share it with. This may mean no art for a while, or more art. Can't say.
Meeting creative, kind, wonderful people who genuinely like to talk to me about things I genuinely like to talk about... Has made me understand a few other things. Like how much I depend on others' opinions /encouragement /how they look at what I do. As much as I long for validation, I can't appreciate it when I get it; I keep seeing the faults – where I missed details, perspective, what I haven’t drawn or haven’t written yet.
I feel bad that I haven’t been able to finish art that I told myself and others I would do, but that bad feeling only makes it harder to create anything. I need to transform it into an excitement about things I want to do. To be able to really share my mind and heart with you without it using up more energy than it gives, I have to grow a healthier self-esteem.
I realized that the main reason everything in my life is so rocky is that I’m rarely if ever honest with myself about what my first priority is. There will come a time to be ambitious about art, but right now, I should be ambitious about improving my health.
I’ve been on sick leave for almost a year, my own well-being should have been priority one from day one, and for a few days at a time, I managed to remember. But I somehow keep falling back to variations on ”making others like me and confirm that I’m good at something”.
But I can see how I came to mix things up, and I can forgive myself that mis-prioritation and let go of my regrets over what time I may have wasted. I think that the power in the regret can be turned to a reminder of how good it is to be honest about my own aims and motivations.
I forgive myself for letting impulse and anxiety take over and mixing my priorities up. Now, I need to focus on building my strength so that this gets easier in the future. It’s decidedly easier to do things that make you happy when you’re convinced you’re worth it.
I need to take a harder look at my relationship with my art and the people I share it with. This may mean no art for a while, or more art. Can't say.
Meeting creative, kind, wonderful people who genuinely like to talk to me about things I genuinely like to talk about... Has made me understand a few other things. Like how much I depend on others' opinions /encouragement /how they look at what I do. As much as I long for validation, I can't appreciate it when I get it; I keep seeing the faults – where I missed details, perspective, what I haven’t drawn or haven’t written yet.
I feel bad that I haven’t been able to finish art that I told myself and others I would do, but that bad feeling only makes it harder to create anything. I need to transform it into an excitement about things I want to do. To be able to really share my mind and heart with you without it using up more energy than it gives, I have to grow a healthier self-esteem.
I realized that the main reason everything in my life is so rocky is that I’m rarely if ever honest with myself about what my first priority is. There will come a time to be ambitious about art, but right now, I should be ambitious about improving my health.
I’ve been on sick leave for almost a year, my own well-being should have been priority one from day one, and for a few days at a time, I managed to remember. But I somehow keep falling back to variations on ”making others like me and confirm that I’m good at something”.
But I can see how I came to mix things up, and I can forgive myself that mis-prioritation and let go of my regrets over what time I may have wasted. I think that the power in the regret can be turned to a reminder of how good it is to be honest about my own aims and motivations.
I forgive myself for letting impulse and anxiety take over and mixing my priorities up. Now, I need to focus on building my strength so that this gets easier in the future. It’s decidedly easier to do things that make you happy when you’re convinced you’re worth it.
Now go take care of yourself, you silly thing.
Live life, have experiences, LOVE YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Find what makes your heart soar. Get your hands dirty. Soak up some sun. Rock out with your spiritual cock out. Do dumb things, do fun things, just DO stuff.
Then come back and write about it, or art about it, or sing about it...whatever you do, live your life for YOU. You're the single most important person in your life, and you're the first and last person you should look to for validation.
You know how to reach me. You need a friend, you've always got one here.
Now go forth and ROCK.