Let me say that day one after selling my 60in LED tv, my 360 and it's 20 games, PLUS my PS3 and my 50 games. That looking at the wall where this was all at is depressing. I KNOW I should be thankful I still have power, still have a place to live, still have my laptop and iphone 5. But I'm just being honest here and it SUCKS. This is the millionth time I had to sell anything I had to make ends meat. I'm sick of losing what I want because I either fell short or in this period choose to help someone out. I don't know what to do, or what to think, I'm just at my end right now. I just want to quit trying. Every time I make a step forward it seems to punch me in the face and I have to start all over again.

And that's what sucks about this entire thing. I'm fucking sick of starting over. I'm already depressed enough, how far do I have to fall before my luck changes? Look I KNOW life is what you make it, I KNOW change doesn't start unless it starts with you. I KNOW. Believe me if ANYONE knows this shit it's me.. the guy who should be dead on all accounts. I've been burned, blown up, shot, frozen outside in nothing but my underwear as a child... I KNOW this is small shit compared to what life can REALLY do. I've been homeless from 2010 to a year ago, living under an intersection until I moved to the Salvation Army. Then stayed there until the Veteran's program got me a house. I been weeks without food at hotels before I lived on the streets. I KNOW I need to look at this and need to be thankful I'm on this laptop right now.

But I'm only human and right now this fucking sucks. I'm fighting tears right now cause I feel like I'm in a losing battle with fate. I said all that to simply say I'm not trying to be a brat.. if I come off as one. I'm sorry, I'm just sick of losing what I worked for. Cause I know it's going to be HARDER to get what I lost. It's always harder. It doesn't get easier, not in my case. I don't know what to do or think, I'm seriously just here right now. And note what I'm about to say isn't because I lost my toys.. it's because I'm losing my will to try anymore. Which leads me to want to say fuck it and blast my brains out. I'm getting to that point and the more set backs I push away the harder it becomes. To top this all off I'm never on the correct medication cause none of it seems to work. Some days I wish that I.E.D killed me like it was meant too.. instead of living a life where things keep get taken away from me.

This came out long and now all I seem to do is cry over stupid shit. There's people with REAL problems. So I'm done... I'm sorry for wasting everyone's time. Again.