Sometimes when I'm alone and the right music is playing, I feel like I'm not really here. Or to be more precise, it feels like I'm not separate from anything else. If all of the universe is just a painting, I'm a part of that canvas and not just a speck of a being traveling around on another speck in a gigantic unending void. This comes close to the description of "enlightenment" I've read in a few books, but the problem with this feeling is as soon as you realize you have it, it's gone. And then you're not supposed to focus too much on obtaining it again or you really can't obtain it.

So it's beautiful, but it sucks. I wish I had some guidance other than books or peers who are in the same situation as me. It's not that I want to obtain this state more, I just want to stop wanting to obtain it more.