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I'd like to smile some more.
12 years ago
General
I felt like writing this somewhere but I didn't know exactly where. Figured I haven't been writing here anything since uh.. 3 years or something. So figured I could write this up here cause.. Why not ?
I've not been exactly feeling the most awesome lately. Alotsa shit been going on between my friends circle, good buncha chaos with my loved ones, my body felt like it'd be a good timing to give a lovely painful ear canal infection together with 39'C (102.2F) fever. Been drugged off my ass on ibuprofen and aspirin to keep the pain away, lack of sleep, lack of joy, lack of everything.
Today the moment quite hit a pinnacle due to facing quite a scary argue with someone I truly love. Nearly puked, threw random items around in rage, cried, pummeled the walls.. The usual y'now. Cut off most of my social contacts everywhere for now cause I need some time for myself, crawled to the bed fully under my blanket head included.. Cried some more though at this point I can't anymore make tears. Dry on tears. Ofc all of this did superawesome to my recovery from the fever and ear canal infection and all that.
I eventually fell asleep. Had one of the most horrific nightmares I've seen since I was a young kid. I saw a bunch of clones of myself laughing at me. I went on a killing spree slaughtering a shitton of them yelling how I hate myself, hate everything in me deep within to my fucking guts. Soon I realise every single one I killed looked like all those who I hold close ; My family, friends, loved ones..
I screamed. Loud enough it would prob scare away the spirits of the dead. Woke up screaming and hyperventilating afterwards, trembling and holding my own arms around myself like an idiotic coward. Realised I haven't screamed like that since forever, perhaps as a lil kid.. In a creepy way, it felt purifying.. I don't think I've allowed myself to be scared quite like that like.. nearly ever ? At the beginning of this year right next door to me there was a murder and I was just cold as ice. I've been through thick and thin and I usually simply show up cold as ice. To actually let out a scream.. It felt quite.. Good. Feels odd . .
I checked my phone for time, noticed I got a text message. Wiped off some dust from the ol' Nokia's screen, I don't get messages oh so often so the screen tends to be kinda dusty.. Noticed a message from one irl friend of mine, one I haven't actually been arguing with lately. Totally forgot I had earlier been asking could he come over to play some games with me or something cause I really, really wanted someone around for comfort. I'd really need to relax, have some fun for once..
He responded quite simply : "Yeah, we can try that new Enemy Within expansion and study it through together ^^" (Enemy Within would be an expansion for XCOM Enemy Unknown) .
As I was reading that, I noticed something.. I smiled. "I smiled, I really did !", I felt. Of course, realising that made me instantly self-aware of it and I stopped doing so. But for those around 1½ - 2 seconds, I was smiling !
I realised that I haven't been smiling at all for a long ass while.. It must be at least a month now. For me, coming out with my emotions in general is difficult, smiling included. When I feel them, especially something like a smile, it truly feels special to me.. I can always throw out a fake smile, I can act out whatever emotion is ever desired, but to genuinely feel a smile is very rare for me.. For this reason, those few specific people who can make me feel such feelings I hold very, very special.. They're truly for me unreplaceable.. A-anyways, I was so glad at least to smile for a short moment. ^^ Made me want to smile some more..
And that was the whole point of this journal. Just something very simple I wanted to state.
I'd like to smile some more.
That is all.
I've not been exactly feeling the most awesome lately. Alotsa shit been going on between my friends circle, good buncha chaos with my loved ones, my body felt like it'd be a good timing to give a lovely painful ear canal infection together with 39'C (102.2F) fever. Been drugged off my ass on ibuprofen and aspirin to keep the pain away, lack of sleep, lack of joy, lack of everything.
Today the moment quite hit a pinnacle due to facing quite a scary argue with someone I truly love. Nearly puked, threw random items around in rage, cried, pummeled the walls.. The usual y'now. Cut off most of my social contacts everywhere for now cause I need some time for myself, crawled to the bed fully under my blanket head included.. Cried some more though at this point I can't anymore make tears. Dry on tears. Ofc all of this did superawesome to my recovery from the fever and ear canal infection and all that.
I eventually fell asleep. Had one of the most horrific nightmares I've seen since I was a young kid. I saw a bunch of clones of myself laughing at me. I went on a killing spree slaughtering a shitton of them yelling how I hate myself, hate everything in me deep within to my fucking guts. Soon I realise every single one I killed looked like all those who I hold close ; My family, friends, loved ones..
I screamed. Loud enough it would prob scare away the spirits of the dead. Woke up screaming and hyperventilating afterwards, trembling and holding my own arms around myself like an idiotic coward. Realised I haven't screamed like that since forever, perhaps as a lil kid.. In a creepy way, it felt purifying.. I don't think I've allowed myself to be scared quite like that like.. nearly ever ? At the beginning of this year right next door to me there was a murder and I was just cold as ice. I've been through thick and thin and I usually simply show up cold as ice. To actually let out a scream.. It felt quite.. Good. Feels odd . .
I checked my phone for time, noticed I got a text message. Wiped off some dust from the ol' Nokia's screen, I don't get messages oh so often so the screen tends to be kinda dusty.. Noticed a message from one irl friend of mine, one I haven't actually been arguing with lately. Totally forgot I had earlier been asking could he come over to play some games with me or something cause I really, really wanted someone around for comfort. I'd really need to relax, have some fun for once..
He responded quite simply : "Yeah, we can try that new Enemy Within expansion and study it through together ^^" (Enemy Within would be an expansion for XCOM Enemy Unknown) .
As I was reading that, I noticed something.. I smiled. "I smiled, I really did !", I felt. Of course, realising that made me instantly self-aware of it and I stopped doing so. But for those around 1½ - 2 seconds, I was smiling !
I realised that I haven't been smiling at all for a long ass while.. It must be at least a month now. For me, coming out with my emotions in general is difficult, smiling included. When I feel them, especially something like a smile, it truly feels special to me.. I can always throw out a fake smile, I can act out whatever emotion is ever desired, but to genuinely feel a smile is very rare for me.. For this reason, those few specific people who can make me feel such feelings I hold very, very special.. They're truly for me unreplaceable.. A-anyways, I was so glad at least to smile for a short moment. ^^ Made me want to smile some more..
And that was the whole point of this journal. Just something very simple I wanted to state.
I'd like to smile some more.
That is all.
