*offers hugs.*

Thanks.

I wish i could do more than really say that i hope you overcome your fears.
never really spoke to you, but you've always seemed nice.

I know we never really spoke much, but thanks.

You're welcome, Retna.
I wish you all the best, sweetheart <3

Hmm. If there was anything that I could say is a 'brutal truth' relating to you, it's that -I- always hold back being near. Because I know you have some issues with social situations in general, and I'd rather not push you. But it means there's probably a lot of times where I -could have- and -should have- spent actual time with you, but didn't for fear it'd bother you and make you withdraw more. I really truly just want a good place to live, with my hyena close by to sometimes put into my arms, especially when he needs help feeling better. Or perhaps sometimes just sit and smile at him, when he needs to know not quite the -entire- world is out to get him. You've done well, opening up like this. A lot of times relief can come from simply -admitting- to an issue that you have, wether you solve it or not. I just hope there's an entire hyena left when we get through the aftermath of this!

I had a feeling you held back. To be honest, sometimes I really do need that alone time, so I appreciate that you do it for me. What I really need to work on is communicating more with you and everybody else when I'm -not- feeling that way, because I'm sure it's difficult to tell the difference without me saying anything. x3 I would like all of the things you mentioned, by the way. I mean, I'm sure the -entire- world isn't out to get me, but it's nice to be reminded so by friends and what not in little ways like that. :3 But yeah, just the act of writing it made me feel a little better. Now, I just need to work on doing something about it. Opening up about it, I figured, would be a good start.

:3 c'mon Retna, I must admit I really wish I could be allowed to have such fears. Though I believe you should be thinking about what you want, as opposed to worrying on trying to please everyone, which is something you will never obtain. Also trusting people or what level of trust you can allow, rationally is how far can one trust them-self, the rest... well as far as I can tell is to simply experience it and learn from it, y'know the cliche's Nothing ventured, nothing gained~... carpe diem, and what the kids are saying these days yolo swag and what not

AEthian, AEthian. Why can't you be allowed to have such fears? :3 But yeah, after a good night's rest, I've come to the same conclusion. It's just hard sometimes for me, y'know? I have a deep-seeded desire to see people happy. As for the trust stuff, it's just something I have to work on again, I think. I think with time and with some effort, especially on the being more assertive part, I should be able to start trusting folks again.

^^; can't do my job if I don't talk with people... -w-; spite me being a friggen introvert to a fault... I, for some odd reason feel better being to myself when it comes to being in person. Spite at times people constantly pulling me away from my laptop.

;3 and I guess that is a interesting predicament to be happy by making others happy, kinda a ironic double standard, Though as for trust, I seem to have low standards on what I expect of people, it tends to help me avoid from being disappointed, that and having a thick skin when I do something stupid... ^^; I tend to tell my opinion and it often for some reason offends people.

<w< don't get me started on emotional response, people state they do not have a choice or free will... when I think people do have the will power to decide and in those decisions that creates who they are... -w-; but alas nature vs nurture, social programming etc etc

Living it up, eh?

You gotta let go of those worries -- Some will always be a burden on you, and that's just fine. I would sit you down and talk to you again today if I could, but I have work, on the one day I went out! Haha, silly me.

You know I've always tried to nudge you out of your hole. I'll keep trying, whether its through attempting to connect some of my friends to you, or dragging you out to eat, or even luring you out to watch me fail (as much as I hate that last one). Failure, in itself, is natural. It happens. Don't let it get to you. And most importantly, don't let the thought paralyze you. As it sounds, admittedly.

Yeah, its affected living with you, so I can't lie about that. You can't assume to be 'safe' all the time hiding away, as inaction makes as much of an effect as action does. Though I have my own problems I'm sure has driven you up the wall!

Your future will always be uncertain, and well, not to sound cliche, sometimes you just gotta spread your wings and fly! Or try to. Glad I'm a dragon, haha! In all seriousness, though, sometimes you have to just try it to see what happens. You have a safety net, so you are still able to experiment.

So yeah, in short -- Don't be afraid, Retna. I'm here to help, as I always have been.

Heh, don't worry about it today. We could talk about it this weekend if you have free time, maybe over a bite to eat somewhere. :3 If not, there's always next week, too.

Thanks, though, for really making an effort to push me out. It hasn't gone unnoticed. I know I haven't been the best roommate in the world, and I do apologize if my behavior has affected you in a negative way. Hopefully, we can do more stuff together in the future.

People who want stuff from you and then get upset are stupid :3 (Well, there's exceptions, but I'd assume that's not the case here >_> Obviously if you owed someone money and they didn't get it they'd be mad)

Real friends care 'bout'cha and won't just decide they don't like you anymore and leave! It can be kinda hard to find people like that, sometimes D: But I'm sure you have some of those! There's me, at least. :3 It might seem like we mostly just talk about, uh, certain things, but that's not supposed to mean that's all I like doing with you! It's partially that I'm not the best at casual conversation >> I don't really know what other things to bring up, a lot of the time, with people I'm not, for example... watching a particular show with, or playing some video game I know they like, or stuff like that. I don't care about the things we usually talk about as much as I care about you as a person!

People need people. Having problems and needing help is totally okay, and then after you manage to get through them... things get better!

You shouldn't feel bad about a debt to society or anything. It's probably good that you feel a little remorse for it, but if you've at least been trying to do work or get a job, you shouldn't feel bad. It can be stupidly hard to get one better then nigh-minimum-wage in this day and age. Lots of people actively mooch off of government aid, leeching off the free money on purpose, and -those- are the people who are actually bad.

Lots of other people have some of these issues, too. They just don't really talk about it. Tiake is horrible at standing up for himself :3 It seems like every other time I try to get into what he's doing I find out he's let himself get pulled into playing with people he doesn't want to because he's "too nice to say no". I chastise him for it and try to nicely and helpfully talk him into a better mindset about it, but it's hard to help people get over that kind of thing if they won't do it for themselves XD And I didn't know what I wanted with my future at all until just recently... and it practically fell into my lap, so it was more me being lazy and lucky then actually getting stuff done on my part >_> And I'm still likely to screw up getting it done :D

I think the biggest thing about doing things with other people is managing to -relax-, don't rush yourself, and just try to gradually ease into it. Getting swamped by a bunch of people as the internet tends to allow to occur, is totally not conducive to that, for that matter >_> <_< You have to find your own pace and go at it, however slow it might be.

Retna! I'm always here for you, and I like to think I'm generally one of the nicest people around :3 I don't make snap judgements on anyone, I try to understand people and their motivations rather then write them off, and I have silly overly idealistic hopes such as wanting everyone to be happy, including the people I don't like. I'm weird and I can be awkward and unhelpful and lazy, and there's plenty of things people (including myself, sometimes) complain at me over on a regular basis, so I'm not exactly perfect either! But I want you to feel better and I'd really like to help.

...I didn't mean to type quite this much XD You know, near the end there I started going "Oh god am I sounding like Kaoru D: I should probably tone this down..." There's definitely a point of being too flowery and dramatic for actual real life things. I like being casual. :3 Whatever! I should go do some getting ready for work things.

Some parts of this song (Bein' Friends) are really nice and true and then sometimes there's this creepy backround music and the lyrics start sounding vaguely disturbing like the singer is actually a creepy stalker >_> <_< http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YSshQu9rQLc (and I have no idea about the end)

...this is definitely getting for work things uh yes

I found this album a few days ago and some of the songs are pretty catchy augh

I -know- real friends won't just up and leave me like that. It's just hard telling apart the real ones from the fake ones, because they sometimes say and act the same way, at least initially. Also, I know you're not good at casual conversation. I'm not either, haha. Even though you aren't, though, we do occasionally talk about nice stuff that shows me you care about me as a person, so don't worry about it. :3

I also know that my problems aren't unique to myself. This journal was just a result of me not knowing how to deal with them anymore. It's partly a venting journal, and partly just a way to communicate to you guys what I'm feeling since I didn't know how to do so otherwise. It's probably not the best way, but at least I got my feelings out. I'm glad to hear, though, you figured out what you want with your future. I hope I'm able to do the same very soon.

and so I continue to be terrible at being a social butterfly :D

Anyway, don't stay in your room -too- much! I mean, I totally do the same thing most of the time too, but having a change of pace every now and then by getting out and doing... something, is good. I don't even mean as much as daily, but yeah- when I was depressed for awhile, I moped for 2 weeks straight, and then the moment real life meant I had to actually get up and go do a bunch of stuff outside of the house, I immediately felt so much better.

...walking around out and about for awhile also makes endorphins which are good, but, the change of pace and distraction in itself is more the point, for me at least... I think. <3

If only I enjoyed taking walks, though. Our husky would like it so much if I did. :T

I'm sorry to hear things haven't gotten...well, much easier for you. In my experience, you have always been a good and loyal friend. You make me want to try to add more positive energy in the world, if I can manage. I can say you are a good person, you make more of an effort than most to be friendly, considerate, and you put others in your thoughts, willingly.

We all have our fears...a lot of what you mentioned of course rang true to me as well, but those don't make you weak or less of a person or whatever. You want help? People want to help, even if they can't give you what you want/need chances are they will still try, I know I will at the very least. As I said, you have been a friend, a stand up fellow, and I want to see you happy, or at the very least more comfortable and able to relax and take in what life does have to offer.

People looking to take advantage? They can piss off. They're not ready for social interaction, or hell they may never be, but there are a lot of selfish, inconsiderate pricks out there, we can't let them overshadow the positive, sincere people and what not. Though it -is- very easy to focus on the negative, it can be easy to forget that we need to make an effort, even when the sucky people try to tear us down and make it all seem like it isn't worth it.

I still haven't forgotten how we met. Years ago, on AIM (I'm fairly certain) and I was having a less than stellar day. Bam, you showed up, a friendly fellow and I felt we hit it off very well. I mean, I still remember it so clearly. Seeing you be in pain or be/feel like this is awful, I wish I could take it all away or at least offer something, some sort of advice to try and ease off some of the pressure or worries. I know much can't be done, but I want to try to reassure you that you are not alone, yet at the same time you are YOU. There is no one else that is you, who has seen or does all the things you have, and so everything we experience is going to be different and influenced in one way or another. We can't judge ourselves based on others, even if it's so easy to do so...especially when we're depressed or anxious or...well, not-jazzy.

Do I think you're a burden on me? Hell no. Do I think you're a burden on society? Well, as a Sociologist (I'm pretentious, I know) I can safely say nooooooo. Do I feel like you have a lot to offer? Oh absolutely, I know you are smart -and- talented in your own right, that isn't an issue. Applying yourself? It is hard to get motivated, especially when stress and anxiety builds up like nobody's business...I can't offer advice or anything except just not to give up on yourself. We don't see what others see in us, and I see someone really special, unique, and really someone I am proud to call my friend. I hope this rambling makes sense, but I want to let you know that yeah stuff can suck (as I'm sure you've noticed) we can make changes and stuff, so long as we don't let sucky stuff knock us down, or at least not -keep- us down. It's only over when we give up when things are over.

You can be Retna, you can be (RL name here, not listed because of reasons!), you can be whatever. You are still going to be you, and I quite enjoy your company. I only hope that you can give yourself more of a chance, even at the risk of being burned or turned away, because at the very least you deserve to be happy. I know damn well you do.

I try to be positive. I know I'm guilty of occasionally contributing to all the negativity, usually when I'm feeling hurt and moody, but most of the time, I try to keep things positive around me. I'm glad I've inspired you to wanna do that, 'cause everyone can use more positivity, y'know? :3 It can make folks happy.

I haven't forgotten how we met either. I've still got the logs of it. I've also still got the silly picture you drew for me for my birthday a couple months later. We've known each other for seven years now. Still feels like yesterday, though, haha. In a good way, mind you. :3 Thanks for always being there for me. You've been a loyal friend, too. I just hope I can continue being a good friend to you.

Dear,

I don't care what version of Retna you want to be, are, or will become. I accept and love you with the only condition that you work and become comfortable with yourself.

I don't care that you can't explain what you want to right now, the fact that you know that you'd like to, that you'd be willing to try and explain. Start talking with all the "strange" references and examples your brain might come up with, then you dismiss as too 'crazy'. Unless you start spouting wingdings at me, I can eventually understand any picture you paint.

You're not a moocher, you're not some scumbag welfare leech, you're not some jerk who doesn't like his friends the way he should.

You're Retna, and you are an excellent human being and companion. one that I'll see at a con and snuggle with to see that smile and blush, and flustered squirming I make you do over skype chats.



Ain't never letting you live that blush down either. :3

I know you care about me, Poojie, and after the Skype call we had a week ago where we were able to just talk to each other for a little bit, I now have a better idea to what degree you do. My regret is not having been around for you more and not knowing how to show you that I care about you, too. That's a very reasonable expectation to have for me, and I do plan on working towards that. I won't hold back anymore. Thanks for being there for me. I hope I can do the same for you whenever you need me. :3

P.S. I hope we'll get to meet at a con. :3 I would really like that. <3

Seconding what Jizzal said. Also, I'm in a very similar position. While I'm not really being fully fixed, the therapy I have been going to HAS HELPED. It has helped. It has helped me get some clarity, some ability to push the darkness away.

Also you can call me anytime, text me, anything. You're cute and friendly and I really loved meeting you at RF. And I want to see you again, and I REALLY don't want anyone to go through this. I feel and know your pain, every single day. But we're here for you. We can't do too much from here... we can support you, but IMO you should find someone in person to talk to. To open up to. Someone who can strengthen you. I STRONGLY RECOMMEND finding a therapist, and setting up regular meetings. I find it a lot easier to leave the house when it's "just a doctor appointment" and it'll cost me $50 to miss it! Having things scheduled does help me at least.

Feel free to contact me any time. You have my number. Text or call. I mean it. I am 100% with you... we're in this hole together. I won't judge you or hate you, because I feel the same thing. The same exact thing. And I WILL drag you up with me as I crawl out of this hole. I KNOW this pain and misery, first hand. And any light I can bring to others who hide, like I do, I will help them. And I will help you.

You're safe with us. :>

As I mentioned on Twitter, I loved hanging out with you, Kaw, and the others at RF. :3 I already mentioned how happy and relaxed I was hanging out with you all. In addition to that, it was the first time in a while that I -saw- the genuinity in a friendship, if that makes any sense. I'm not saying that the frienships I have with other people aren't genuine, but, like, I was able to see it with my own eyes at the con. It's crazy how much hanging out with people in person makes a difference. I keep forgetting that. XD I hope we do get to hang out in person again. You're fun to hang out with.

Anyway, I know you're going through some very similar stuff. I really hope you get out of this hole, too. I'm sorry that I haven't been able to support you in a way to really help you improve and stuff. I'm glad to hear, though, that the therapy is helping. I've considered therapy a couple times, as it has helped me in the past. My only concern with that is the costs. I'll look into it, though, just to see if there is something out there that I can afford right now on my own.

Well look into the "obabamcare" stuff. I heard that there are some really cheap healthcare plans out there now. And yeah... being with people in person at RF... it was amazing. I felt so natural and relaxed. It was great.

I second just about everything Con says. Except texting/calling in my case -- we havn't swapped numbers yet. :p

Besides, this sounds like textbook social anxiety. You beat it really, with training and tools, both of which a shrink can give you. I was in the same boat a couple years ago... pretty literally taught myself how to carry a conversation under the premise of an aspie learning social graces (thank thine lucky stars for the internet having tutorials for pretty literally *everything*!). If that hadn't led me a chain of events that landed me going to RF *last* year, we wouldn't have met during this one I'm pretty sure.

Also, sorry if I'm a bit of a rare catch myself: that half-busy where you ARE sometimes preoccupied, but still just hiding from people oftentimes... is Kaw in a nutshell recently.

We can swap them at some point if you'd like. :3

But yeah, that sounds like something I should be trying to do. Teaching myself how to carry a conversation without getting anxious, I mean. :3 And no worries! I can't really complain since I've been pretty much doing the same lately.

I have my own moments of crushing social insecurity. Some days I can power through it, some days I can't. You wrote a journal, so you've had at least one day of power. I recommend being goal-oriented, so when the moments come, you can act and do what needs to be done, and say what needs to be said. Opportunities might be missed if you can't power through it on the right days, but new opportunities have a habit of showing up, and good friends are understanding of your limitations.

I had power, yeah, but I wrote and posted the journal more out of desperation than trying to accomplish something specific. I didn't know whether this would get me closer or not to my goal of being happier and less afraid of stuff. The only reason I did this is because everything else I've tried wasn't working. In general, I am pretty goal-oriented, but it's tough to move towards a goal when when you don't even know the steps that need to be taken to get to said goal. That's what my problem is, I think. :3

Really sorry things are rough for you, Retna. :c

I think Jay pretty much said it all perfectly, so I'll just lay down my own personal feelings.

Me, personally, as far as our relationship goes? It was really awesome of you to reach out to me and let me stay in your hotel room for AnthroCon. That was a legit, generous gesture that maybe I never fully expressed my gratitude for, and that's my bad. But it meant a lot that you were willing to help me out, even though we didn't know each other super well at the time. It's obvious you're a thoughtful, nice guy.

I'm sorry to hear that you're hurtin' right now. I can only stress that you shouldn't feel that you have to be someone you're not. I'm sure a lot of us don't feel as though we want or need anything from you, we just like you for the guy you are, anxieties and all. -I- like you for the guy you are, Retna! It's always fun when you pop into a skype call, and you have a really nice, mild mannered tone when you speak, and you have a pleasant way about you, and I love the sound of your laugh. You never have mean-spirited, incendiary things to say about anything. You have a way of expressing things in an unobjectionable manner that I find easy to understand. I see you as a friendly, thoughtful person with a good heart.

You're a good dude, Retna. Don't let nobody tell you otherwise.

<3

It's not like I didn't benefit from you rooming with us. :3 If you hadn't roomed with us, the three of us would've had to pay more money. But yeah, I was never upset about any of that. ^^; No need for apologies or anything like that. :3

Thanks for all the kind words, though. n.n I'm glad you think I'm a good dude. I really do enjoy those Skype calls whenever I do get the chance to get in them. Hopefully, I'll get back into doing them on a more frequent basis once things settle down for me. :3

You're okay by me.

I try to stay out of your way because I don't know your boundaries but I've never resented anytime you've spoken with or approached me about anything, so please do that whenever you need to.

Thanks for talking with me earlier. :3 I feel so much better now.

And I'm afraid i'm horrible at following journals....

But you know I care about you, so I'll say this small thing, You don't have to be afraid of anything of me, not disappointing, not me haranguing you.. and not messing up... ..I've had my bouts with fear, which show in my shyness, but from what i've seen here, and something i advise everyone to do is look at what you have.. look at who cares for you... who believes in you.,((and get a brownie point for realizing a silly Muppet reference). You are who you are and your fine by me