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Why must time go by so fast. (thought vomit)
12 years ago
I just started thinking. I mean. I already know time goes by in a blink of the eye, it's something everyone's aware of, or so I assume. Perhaps it's only just now hitting me just how fast time passes us by. I always knew, I've heard it from other people, but I guess I just never felt it myself till now. The feeling made me panic for a moment there.
It makes you feel helpless, doesn't it. Knowing there's really nothing you can do to slow it down and get everything done that you want to, do all the things you want. It makes me wonder just what the hell I've been doing, what I've been waiting for, if it's even worth waiting for. It makes me worry about my love life, my friendships, my impact on others lives. I've not done enough. I'm still young, I'll be turning 22 in January, but age doesn't protect you from everything coming from a sudden stop.
I guess I'm scared. I'm starting to feel a desperate need for someone at my side. I want to experience love and everything that comes with it, it's something I've intentionally avoided but yearned for, for a while now. For anyone reading, I'll let you know a little about my love life, I dont think I've ever once mentioned it on here. I've not had an honest relationship with someone for about.. four years, and before that it was an online relationship that lasted for nearly four years. After that, I promised myself that I would never do the online dating thing again; while it did make me genuinely happy at the time, there was something heartbreaking about not seeing the other in person. I wasn't able to, I was still just a teenager and in highshool. Once that had ended, I attempted another relationship, this time with a person I could actually touch. We dated.. for probably a month. It was when I was with him that my being transgendered started to circulate through the school violently. Without going into detail, I was humiliated in multiple ways; everything that happened resulted in my leaving highschool, and with a deep fear of rejection, and a feeling that no one would ever accept me as me. It ruined me in a way. I started to never leave the house, so I could never meet people, I was too afraid. To this day I'm still afraid, though I have slowly started to get out more and more over the past year. The past year.. and a little longer, I met someone who I've accidentally found myself crawling after. I say accidentally, because it's not something I ever intended to happen. As I stated before; relationships, strong feelings for people is something I've intentionally avoided. I push people away when things like that start to happen. If someone comes to me saying they like me and want to be with me, I don't allow it. Yet, it turns out I'm the one who went and got attached to someone after all this time. It's a scary feeling, some days I want to hit myself for letting my feelings grow so strong, while other days I just sit and sigh and smile at the thought of them. But its been a rollercoaster with them I feel. Right now there's absolutely nothing I can do with my feelings and I'm scared that there won't ever be an opportunity for me to take action; then comes the thought, what about when I finally can take action? Would things actually work out? I hate hearing this from anyone but I'm going to say it anyways; I don't see how anyone in their right mind could actually like me and want to be with me. I find it unfathomable. I have too many issues, too many problems, I'm too far behind. I never finished my education. I'm overweight. I'm transgendered, I'm beyond depressed at times, I'm not the most attractive person around and I don't think I could ever be more ashamed of my body. All these things and more make me feel like I'm the worst candidate for a boyfriend out there. There's too much baggage, baggage that I wouldn't want to make anyone drag. But this person makes me want to see it through with them at my side, and at the same time, anything they need. Become better persons together. It sounds stupid but amazing to me at the same time. fuck. fuck fuck fuckity fuck.
i've not once rambled on like this before, so forgive me. I know it's not everyones cup of tea; it's certainly not mine. But I just had a moment of panic and needed to spill out some of my thoughts. this time I may actually post it. many times I've gone and written journals of me just spewing out thoughts, but always ended up never posting them. i guess i thought people would think poorly of me or think I'm just seeking attention or something, which couldn't be further from the truth. wughsghh i'm sorry.
It makes you feel helpless, doesn't it. Knowing there's really nothing you can do to slow it down and get everything done that you want to, do all the things you want. It makes me wonder just what the hell I've been doing, what I've been waiting for, if it's even worth waiting for. It makes me worry about my love life, my friendships, my impact on others lives. I've not done enough. I'm still young, I'll be turning 22 in January, but age doesn't protect you from everything coming from a sudden stop.
I guess I'm scared. I'm starting to feel a desperate need for someone at my side. I want to experience love and everything that comes with it, it's something I've intentionally avoided but yearned for, for a while now. For anyone reading, I'll let you know a little about my love life, I dont think I've ever once mentioned it on here. I've not had an honest relationship with someone for about.. four years, and before that it was an online relationship that lasted for nearly four years. After that, I promised myself that I would never do the online dating thing again; while it did make me genuinely happy at the time, there was something heartbreaking about not seeing the other in person. I wasn't able to, I was still just a teenager and in highshool. Once that had ended, I attempted another relationship, this time with a person I could actually touch. We dated.. for probably a month. It was when I was with him that my being transgendered started to circulate through the school violently. Without going into detail, I was humiliated in multiple ways; everything that happened resulted in my leaving highschool, and with a deep fear of rejection, and a feeling that no one would ever accept me as me. It ruined me in a way. I started to never leave the house, so I could never meet people, I was too afraid. To this day I'm still afraid, though I have slowly started to get out more and more over the past year. The past year.. and a little longer, I met someone who I've accidentally found myself crawling after. I say accidentally, because it's not something I ever intended to happen. As I stated before; relationships, strong feelings for people is something I've intentionally avoided. I push people away when things like that start to happen. If someone comes to me saying they like me and want to be with me, I don't allow it. Yet, it turns out I'm the one who went and got attached to someone after all this time. It's a scary feeling, some days I want to hit myself for letting my feelings grow so strong, while other days I just sit and sigh and smile at the thought of them. But its been a rollercoaster with them I feel. Right now there's absolutely nothing I can do with my feelings and I'm scared that there won't ever be an opportunity for me to take action; then comes the thought, what about when I finally can take action? Would things actually work out? I hate hearing this from anyone but I'm going to say it anyways; I don't see how anyone in their right mind could actually like me and want to be with me. I find it unfathomable. I have too many issues, too many problems, I'm too far behind. I never finished my education. I'm overweight. I'm transgendered, I'm beyond depressed at times, I'm not the most attractive person around and I don't think I could ever be more ashamed of my body. All these things and more make me feel like I'm the worst candidate for a boyfriend out there. There's too much baggage, baggage that I wouldn't want to make anyone drag. But this person makes me want to see it through with them at my side, and at the same time, anything they need. Become better persons together. It sounds stupid but amazing to me at the same time. fuck. fuck fuck fuckity fuck.
i've not once rambled on like this before, so forgive me. I know it's not everyones cup of tea; it's certainly not mine. But I just had a moment of panic and needed to spill out some of my thoughts. this time I may actually post it. many times I've gone and written journals of me just spewing out thoughts, but always ended up never posting them. i guess i thought people would think poorly of me or think I'm just seeking attention or something, which couldn't be further from the truth. wughsghh i'm sorry.
All you have to do is reach out to us first and well give you an hand to help you up.
as far as your baggage goes, i'm sure there are plenty of good guys out there that wouldn't mind carrying that for you, heck, they might even have an empty hand that has been looking for your baggage all along(i know, sappy X3)
with relationships, all i can say is go for it. there have been many instances in which i've been attracted to someone, said nothing, and now i find myself pondering all the time what could have been, and what if. it's definitely not fun.
in fact, people always give the reason that it would "ruin the friendship"; you know what i have to say to that? who says it already hasn't??? i've been through too many of these instances personally, and they still end up not talking to me after.
anyways, just wanting to let you know that i love you sheepy, and anytime you need me, just lemme know ^.^
You'll find some one sheepy. Just don't make it your priority. That's the worst way to go about it.