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Pure venting (My mum has cancer)
11 years ago
No matter how many stories you hear or how bad you imagine it to be, nothing can prepare you for the news that someone close to you has a terminal illness.
A little over 6 months ago my mum was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer, which has already spread to her liver and lymph nodes. She was originally given just 6 weeks to live, though thanks to chemotherapy and radiotherapy she's still going strong now 6 months on.
Anyone who knows me knows that I am -incredibly- close to my parents, especially my mum, and I'm currently living with them since I finished university. Since finding out about her cancer I can't even describe just how horrible and crushing it can be, for all of us.
I had always, -always- dreaded anything like this happening, to anyone I knew. It's been one of my biggest fears since I was young, but I never expected it to actually happen. Even if my parents had gotten ill, I never wanted to hear any kind of life expectancy, because even then I knew that I wouldn't be able to help just counting down the days, like some horrible, unforgiving deadline.
The reality is far, far worse. I can't stop thinking about it, what it would be like to lose her, what life would be like without her, what she might miss out on, and all the things she's always wanted to do which she's already no longer fit enough for (skydiving, riding a motorbike, loads of dreams she's had for years).
It is always, -always- on my mind, and it's only made worse by my job, which provides me with 9 hours of solitary, mindless work which leaves me waaaay too much time to dwell on it further. My colleagues keep asking how she's doing, so I keep putting on a brave face and telling them all's well and she's improving, but all I really want to do is just curl up and cry right there in the store any time I talk about it.
On a more positive note, she is still doing well so far. Chemotherapy worked really well and reduced it significantly, and she's had radiotherapy to prevent it spreading to her brain. However the side effects of the radiotherapy are pretty nasty, and are really kicking in now. She's permanently exhausted, to the point where she can barely get off the sofa without help a lot of the time, and although she can still walk, her balance is off so she still needs support to get about.
She keeps coming up with all these things she'd like to do before it's too late, but in her current condition just going to the supermarket totally wears her out.
We're also pretty broke. We have enough to live on relatively comfortably, but there's nothing spare to do anything nice for her. She had to leave her job as her health declined, and my dad has had to retire early to care for her. I only just earn enough n my job to cover my bills and expenses, with only a little left to fit in some kind of social life, but if I can grab more overtime I really want to start saving up for some nice experiences for her whenever I can. A balloon ride, and even a flying lesson are actually pretty affordable, but they'll have to wait until the radiotherapy side effects wear off, I think.
She deserves so, so much for everything she's done for me. I just wish we had the means to provide her with it all. She's supported me with anything and everything I've done, from university, to my irish dancing.
I've been dancing for 18 years now, and she has -never- missed watching me in competitions (From bounding around with beginners, right up to competing amongst the best in the world at the world championships) or displays, and she's always been there to cheer me on until this year, when she had a temporary dip in health and had to miss a couple of displays for the first time.
We're all keeping as positive as we can, me, my dad and my brothers are looking after her as best as we can and keeping each other's spirits up. I also have plenty of amazing friends who have been awesomely supportive throughout. I can't express just how much you all mean to me, and how much you've helped. Things are still hard, but without you guys they would have been far, far harder.
My other problem is that she really wants me to go out and get a better job, she wants to see me make a success of myself whilst she's here to appreciate it. However in my field it's very unlikely I'll be able to find anything close to home and I will almost certainly have to move quite a distance to find anything (even considering looking abroad if I need to).
Of course, I want this for myself as well, but because I don't know how long she might have left, I'm terrified of leaving in case I can't be there for her when she needs me. My job at the moment sucks, and I can't wait to get our of it, but at the same time I want to spend as much time with my parents and my mum as I can.
Earlier this year, I couldn't wait to get out (As much as I love them, I can't deny living with them is driving me insaaaane) and I still look forward to getting my own place and a better job, but mum's condition has left any plans I had in purgatory. I have no idea what I want to do now.
It's not helped by the fact she's also telling me that she'll really miss me whenever I do move out, and that she does if I'm just out the house for a couple of days.
We're still hoping she's got a good few years ahead yet. Before she had radiotherapy she was actually doing amazingly well, to the point where ya could barely even tell she was sick.
At the moment she's very frail, but doctors have confirmed that's just a side effect of the radiotherapy, so we'll hopefully see her improving again before too much longer. It's just so hard to see her so down and lifeless every day at the moment. She deserves far, far better.
I'm sorry this isn't the happiest journal I've written. Things just hit me really hard today, for seemingly no reason. I've been putting on a brave face for way too long, and just a couple of hours ago something just cracked. I think I cried as much today as I did when she she was first diagnosed.
I really needed to get things off my chest and this is the first place I thought to do it, so this has just been one long stream of conciousness. All of this, and more, is running through my head every single day. I just thought it was about time I put some of it into words.
I'll likely write up a more positive journal later to push this one off my friend page. There have been some some far nicer things going on this year as well, but for now I really need to get some sleep as I'm back at work tonight unfortunately.
I hope you guys are well, take care. <3
Torque
A little over 6 months ago my mum was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer, which has already spread to her liver and lymph nodes. She was originally given just 6 weeks to live, though thanks to chemotherapy and radiotherapy she's still going strong now 6 months on.
Anyone who knows me knows that I am -incredibly- close to my parents, especially my mum, and I'm currently living with them since I finished university. Since finding out about her cancer I can't even describe just how horrible and crushing it can be, for all of us.
I had always, -always- dreaded anything like this happening, to anyone I knew. It's been one of my biggest fears since I was young, but I never expected it to actually happen. Even if my parents had gotten ill, I never wanted to hear any kind of life expectancy, because even then I knew that I wouldn't be able to help just counting down the days, like some horrible, unforgiving deadline.
The reality is far, far worse. I can't stop thinking about it, what it would be like to lose her, what life would be like without her, what she might miss out on, and all the things she's always wanted to do which she's already no longer fit enough for (skydiving, riding a motorbike, loads of dreams she's had for years).
It is always, -always- on my mind, and it's only made worse by my job, which provides me with 9 hours of solitary, mindless work which leaves me waaaay too much time to dwell on it further. My colleagues keep asking how she's doing, so I keep putting on a brave face and telling them all's well and she's improving, but all I really want to do is just curl up and cry right there in the store any time I talk about it.
On a more positive note, she is still doing well so far. Chemotherapy worked really well and reduced it significantly, and she's had radiotherapy to prevent it spreading to her brain. However the side effects of the radiotherapy are pretty nasty, and are really kicking in now. She's permanently exhausted, to the point where she can barely get off the sofa without help a lot of the time, and although she can still walk, her balance is off so she still needs support to get about.
She keeps coming up with all these things she'd like to do before it's too late, but in her current condition just going to the supermarket totally wears her out.
We're also pretty broke. We have enough to live on relatively comfortably, but there's nothing spare to do anything nice for her. She had to leave her job as her health declined, and my dad has had to retire early to care for her. I only just earn enough n my job to cover my bills and expenses, with only a little left to fit in some kind of social life, but if I can grab more overtime I really want to start saving up for some nice experiences for her whenever I can. A balloon ride, and even a flying lesson are actually pretty affordable, but they'll have to wait until the radiotherapy side effects wear off, I think.
She deserves so, so much for everything she's done for me. I just wish we had the means to provide her with it all. She's supported me with anything and everything I've done, from university, to my irish dancing.
I've been dancing for 18 years now, and she has -never- missed watching me in competitions (From bounding around with beginners, right up to competing amongst the best in the world at the world championships) or displays, and she's always been there to cheer me on until this year, when she had a temporary dip in health and had to miss a couple of displays for the first time.
We're all keeping as positive as we can, me, my dad and my brothers are looking after her as best as we can and keeping each other's spirits up. I also have plenty of amazing friends who have been awesomely supportive throughout. I can't express just how much you all mean to me, and how much you've helped. Things are still hard, but without you guys they would have been far, far harder.
My other problem is that she really wants me to go out and get a better job, she wants to see me make a success of myself whilst she's here to appreciate it. However in my field it's very unlikely I'll be able to find anything close to home and I will almost certainly have to move quite a distance to find anything (even considering looking abroad if I need to).
Of course, I want this for myself as well, but because I don't know how long she might have left, I'm terrified of leaving in case I can't be there for her when she needs me. My job at the moment sucks, and I can't wait to get our of it, but at the same time I want to spend as much time with my parents and my mum as I can.
Earlier this year, I couldn't wait to get out (As much as I love them, I can't deny living with them is driving me insaaaane) and I still look forward to getting my own place and a better job, but mum's condition has left any plans I had in purgatory. I have no idea what I want to do now.
It's not helped by the fact she's also telling me that she'll really miss me whenever I do move out, and that she does if I'm just out the house for a couple of days.
We're still hoping she's got a good few years ahead yet. Before she had radiotherapy she was actually doing amazingly well, to the point where ya could barely even tell she was sick.
At the moment she's very frail, but doctors have confirmed that's just a side effect of the radiotherapy, so we'll hopefully see her improving again before too much longer. It's just so hard to see her so down and lifeless every day at the moment. She deserves far, far better.
I'm sorry this isn't the happiest journal I've written. Things just hit me really hard today, for seemingly no reason. I've been putting on a brave face for way too long, and just a couple of hours ago something just cracked. I think I cried as much today as I did when she she was first diagnosed.
I really needed to get things off my chest and this is the first place I thought to do it, so this has just been one long stream of conciousness. All of this, and more, is running through my head every single day. I just thought it was about time I put some of it into words.
I'll likely write up a more positive journal later to push this one off my friend page. There have been some some far nicer things going on this year as well, but for now I really need to get some sleep as I'm back at work tonight unfortunately.
I hope you guys are well, take care. <3
Torque
But yeah, job-wise come to a compromise! Tell her you'll look for a decent job -locally-. And explain that if you take a job further from home, you'd most likely have to move away and only get to see her once a week or something like that...
Anyway, I'm always here if you need to talk, stripeybutt :)
Ya don't need to worry about bringing it up, most of the time I'm fine talking about it. It's only now and again when It makes me kinda blah (And that's usually at work due to all the overthinking time), I'm still not even sure what triggered it yesterday. Besides, I generally let ya know when there's any major news, either way.
Mum knows about the job situation stuff, but she's still wanting me to find something in my field even if it does mean I have to move away. She just wants to make sure I have a lil more financial security, since with my current job I can't even afford my own place, and if the worst does happen, I'm not sure me n' dad can still afford to live here. Hopefully it won't come to that anytime soon though. She's still doing pretty well besides the side-effects from radiotherapy (Which will hopefully start clearing up in a couple of weeks, apparently).
You Sir, are one of the amazing friends I mentioned, one of the few people I'm really comfortable talking to about -anything-, and I can't thank you enough for that. :)