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Don't know how much longer I can do this..
12 years ago
Superman ain't savin' shit
I normally find comfort in knowing my life isn't as fucked up as some peoples lives. Lately I'm just losing it. This past month has been so up and down and just plain fucking retarded that I'm beginning to feel like I'm just losing my grip.
Yesterday I lost someone who has had a huge impact on the last four years of my life. No, they didn't pass away. They pushed me away, when it wasn't needed. I was giving the space they wanted but they felt they had to completely push me away and now I don't even want to talk to them anymore, because of the stuff that was said and then tried to take it back. I'm not doing this stupid dance anymore. You wanted me gone, I am gone. You got what you wanted, you pushed me away and now I have no one. I don't even fucking care at this point, I'd rather be alone.
I also got into the third fight this month with my father about marijuana, he said some things, I said some things and I'm just reaching my limit, I am so god damn sick of fighting, every day it is something. I know it's just because he cares but with everything else I don't have the patience, I don't have much of anything anymore.
I can't just have a good fucking day something has to happen and make me cry or get so angry I'm completely fucked for the day.
My 17 year old autistic brother is utterly devastated by the fact that I smoke weed and doesn't like being around me now like I'm some sort of fucking monster. I'm at the point where if I could afford my meds I'd stop smoking weed until I got out on my own.
On top of all of this horseshit I was forced to get a second job for Christmas, I am literally broke as shit and have had to use up my credit cards to pay for simple things I had to pay because I'd otherwise not be able to pay them, so now my cards are all screwed up. Anyway, this second job told me three weeks ago I had the job. For the last three weeks they have done nothing but come up with excuses and dick me around like some play thing. So I have nothing for Christmas, I can get no one anything for Christmas, I'm stressed to the point I just start crying when the smallest things mess up and I want to get out on my own so I can stop locking horns with my father.
Yesterday I lost someone who has had a huge impact on the last four years of my life. No, they didn't pass away. They pushed me away, when it wasn't needed. I was giving the space they wanted but they felt they had to completely push me away and now I don't even want to talk to them anymore, because of the stuff that was said and then tried to take it back. I'm not doing this stupid dance anymore. You wanted me gone, I am gone. You got what you wanted, you pushed me away and now I have no one. I don't even fucking care at this point, I'd rather be alone.
I also got into the third fight this month with my father about marijuana, he said some things, I said some things and I'm just reaching my limit, I am so god damn sick of fighting, every day it is something. I know it's just because he cares but with everything else I don't have the patience, I don't have much of anything anymore.
I can't just have a good fucking day something has to happen and make me cry or get so angry I'm completely fucked for the day.
My 17 year old autistic brother is utterly devastated by the fact that I smoke weed and doesn't like being around me now like I'm some sort of fucking monster. I'm at the point where if I could afford my meds I'd stop smoking weed until I got out on my own.
On top of all of this horseshit I was forced to get a second job for Christmas, I am literally broke as shit and have had to use up my credit cards to pay for simple things I had to pay because I'd otherwise not be able to pay them, so now my cards are all screwed up. Anyway, this second job told me three weeks ago I had the job. For the last three weeks they have done nothing but come up with excuses and dick me around like some play thing. So I have nothing for Christmas, I can get no one anything for Christmas, I'm stressed to the point I just start crying when the smallest things mess up and I want to get out on my own so I can stop locking horns with my father.
If you feel the need to talk to someone or just rant for a good while, you can find me on Skype as thebrasslion@live.com. Until then just try to keep you chin up; grab a good book and listen to some loud fucking music.
Loud fuckin music has been a daily occurrence and I have four books on the go. I just wish I had more to occupy my time with.
I will have to add you when I'm on next c:
I'm sure it's fine, don't be line that.