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-]. Retiring .[-
11 years ago
-]. I wrote this journal cause I think it's easier to explain rather than explaining at the top of my head via mouth.
I've decided to retire as a music artist as I feel I lost what made me create what I loved. I've watched a load of motivation videos and seen a load of words from people that usually says the phrase "It depends how much you want it" and it's made me realise that I probably don't want it as much as I used to anymore.
When I worked on my first 2 albums, I had this drive which made me make the music and finish tracks constantly and ideas flowed in like as if the right times were always there, I went into the studio everyday and always had great progress on something by the time I walked out of it. I think I used to finish 3-4 tracks a month and I really was enjoying it so of course I decided to do it full time and had dreams to survive doing this and I knew I wanted it badly. Also when I made the next step to make a music video, I put 14 months of hard work into that music video but the urge was there the whole time, the incentive was there the whole time to get it done, it's like I knew it was gonna get done one day and it happened.
The incentive and urge isn't there anymore, that's why I haven't made a new music video and I haven't had a proper idea, it's been like that for the last 3 years. I think the change started to happen when I tried to better myself as an artist (as every artist should do) but I may have tried TOO hard, I listened to many other artists and tried to be like them instead of keeping to my style, I may have also tried to make myself better than I really need to, overall it never worked and then I lost what made my style me! and since then, my music flow hasn't been the same and the result is I haven't made a decent track in years. I been angry at myself cause I couldn't evolve as an artist and I was looking at electronica evolving around me. This was the mentality I should not have had! When I couldn't do the music, I tried going back to what I usually did and nothing as working, it's like with a track in the old days, I could make 4 things sound PHATTASTIC together but now, I could hardly make 2 things sound PHATTASTIC it's like I've forgotten my own sound or probably ran outta ideas. It's lead to me not completing music for months and years, next I go into the studio and spend it fucking up then lately, I've hardly walked into the studio.
There's always been times when the flow comes, I make a great track and I think it's back but then it's gone and I'm in another block for 6 months-1 year and I've made this mistake many times. I've noticed things within myself which I was supposed to do and I never did, small minor things that lead up to helping the career and I was always in the position of not feeling in the mood to do it, there was no drive or incentive so I was asking myself again "Do I really want this?"
I think the truth is I used up all the urge and I've burned myself out getting these 2 albums and music video done. I know the fact is when you fail, you gotta keep pushing again, I've seen many cases when someone puts SOOOO much work into a project and do everything, an album, a film or just anything and they release it and it didn't succeed and then they don't bother work on a sequel or a second one because the first one burnt them out and it got them nowhere. I was trying not to be these people but it looks like it's kind of happened cause I've really lost the flow of making music, it's almost like I don't know how to make music anymore or like I don't want to do it anymore. I don't even know if it's the fact that it's not fun anymore, or if it's the fear of failing in the back of my head or have I just got lazy. I hear many times that I just need a break but I know I've taken MANY breaks for the last 3 years and tried chilling out doing other things and staying away from the studio but I don't think it was helping at all, I think I was taking more breaks than actually attempting more music and obviously that makes me look more lazy. I think for an artist to be successful, he/she can't have a new track every 6 months-1 year, they need to keep coming out with new content keep having new stuff to keep pleasing old and new fans and always having somethng ready so you can keep pursuing more opportunities. I believe I know a couple of ways to help get myself more fans online but I haven't had the urge to do it because I know I wasn't coming out constantly with new content.
I've worked with artists and notice that after a while they don't wanna affiliate with me or even give a fuck about me and they go on to become great artists and achieve their dreams. I think I finally see the reasons why, it's possibly cause they could read me or see that I didn't want it as much as I thought I did, so they thought it's wearing down their career if they join, affiliate or collab with me. It feels a little frustrating that if I put that little extra work in, I could have possibly been the same level as those artists, one is even an owner of a successful record/media deal now and they ain't gonna sign me now. So of course I feel washed up because I've missed many opportunities that got me where I wanted to be.
Talking about Record labels and media deals, people have asked me have I tried getting managers and people to promote everything I do and guess what, I have been. I've spent loads of money that I gave to people who I trust and sadly they were even con-artists or guys who didn't know what they were doing. Obviously I was the fool for relying on them, and these are things I should have done myself but I don't feel I'm good enough to sort the business side or managing myself so therefore I did want a trustworthy manager or record label but these days and ages that's almost impossible in the music industry.
A lot of haters and doubters always wanted me to quit cause what I'm doing isn't bringing in money and they tell me get a normal job, well sadly it looks like they won besides I been researching and looking for jobs in job centre, that's hardly me because I always wanted to prove the haters wrong and do what I love doing. But since the love's going slowly, might as well let them win. If I was saying I don't let the haters bother me, I'd be lying cause of course they also affected the mood in trying to make the music, I can't blame it all on the haters but I can say definitely that if music was going smooth, I could ignore them more than how the situation is right now.
I've said many times that I wanted to quit music because of this but I kept trying cause I feel I have nothing else which leads to suicide thoughts if I quit, I feel I don't wanna let my fans down and I was always having the hope that the flow would back cause the truth is, if music's not going well, I'm not enjoying but if music was just the way in the old days, I'd enjoy it. I MIGHT still make music for games if the opportunity comes (there's one that could be happening) but as for doing gigs, albums, mixtapes etc, I'm done, no point me doing any gigs if I'm only performing the same tracks. Sadly Animation isn't going very well either, I'm thinking if I should continue with my project or have I chosen a hard bite to swallow as well. There are points when I feel as if I've burned out with animation which is bad cause I've hardly start and I don't know if I'm thinking if I wanted that bad as I thought. The character my animation's based on, I can still get things done with other artists but in the sense of me animating the character, I'm not quite sure how things are gonna go, I know my life's gonna change a damn lot more if I quit the animation.
I've spoken to many people about the decision, a few responses was that maybe doing both music and animation is possibly what's making lose the urge like I'm piling up and doing too many things at once, but I don't think that was the case as when I worked on my first album, I was working on an animation project at the same time which was lost in a harddrive and I was working on the second album while working on a music video for someone and my own music video. It was never a problem, when I walked in the studio, whatever I chose never mattered cause the progress grew and grew. As I said already they always said take a break which I've tried many times, I don't think it's about taking a break, I think it's about making a stand and leaving.
So in closing, I don't think I'm cut out to achieve my dream, I may have the skills but I definitely don't have the confidence or the mental focus to keep up with it. I wanna thank everyone for the support but I also wanna apologise to people who's waiting for new music, many fans have said to me how much they love my music and picked me up when I was down but I have let ya down. I know many people respected me because I stood up to haters and doubters and I carried on without giving up, obviously I'm a hypocrite now it just didn't happen, I just think it's time to move on. But to end on a little good sign, I have ONE last track that I'm collabing with someone (I've done my parts and I'm now waiting for my partner's parts) and once that track is finished, I will upload it so look out for that.
So what am I gonna do now? I don't know, we don't what the future holds, I am still on Youtube, Good luck in what everyone does, thanks for reading .[-
I've decided to retire as a music artist as I feel I lost what made me create what I loved. I've watched a load of motivation videos and seen a load of words from people that usually says the phrase "It depends how much you want it" and it's made me realise that I probably don't want it as much as I used to anymore.
When I worked on my first 2 albums, I had this drive which made me make the music and finish tracks constantly and ideas flowed in like as if the right times were always there, I went into the studio everyday and always had great progress on something by the time I walked out of it. I think I used to finish 3-4 tracks a month and I really was enjoying it so of course I decided to do it full time and had dreams to survive doing this and I knew I wanted it badly. Also when I made the next step to make a music video, I put 14 months of hard work into that music video but the urge was there the whole time, the incentive was there the whole time to get it done, it's like I knew it was gonna get done one day and it happened.
The incentive and urge isn't there anymore, that's why I haven't made a new music video and I haven't had a proper idea, it's been like that for the last 3 years. I think the change started to happen when I tried to better myself as an artist (as every artist should do) but I may have tried TOO hard, I listened to many other artists and tried to be like them instead of keeping to my style, I may have also tried to make myself better than I really need to, overall it never worked and then I lost what made my style me! and since then, my music flow hasn't been the same and the result is I haven't made a decent track in years. I been angry at myself cause I couldn't evolve as an artist and I was looking at electronica evolving around me. This was the mentality I should not have had! When I couldn't do the music, I tried going back to what I usually did and nothing as working, it's like with a track in the old days, I could make 4 things sound PHATTASTIC together but now, I could hardly make 2 things sound PHATTASTIC it's like I've forgotten my own sound or probably ran outta ideas. It's lead to me not completing music for months and years, next I go into the studio and spend it fucking up then lately, I've hardly walked into the studio.
There's always been times when the flow comes, I make a great track and I think it's back but then it's gone and I'm in another block for 6 months-1 year and I've made this mistake many times. I've noticed things within myself which I was supposed to do and I never did, small minor things that lead up to helping the career and I was always in the position of not feeling in the mood to do it, there was no drive or incentive so I was asking myself again "Do I really want this?"
I think the truth is I used up all the urge and I've burned myself out getting these 2 albums and music video done. I know the fact is when you fail, you gotta keep pushing again, I've seen many cases when someone puts SOOOO much work into a project and do everything, an album, a film or just anything and they release it and it didn't succeed and then they don't bother work on a sequel or a second one because the first one burnt them out and it got them nowhere. I was trying not to be these people but it looks like it's kind of happened cause I've really lost the flow of making music, it's almost like I don't know how to make music anymore or like I don't want to do it anymore. I don't even know if it's the fact that it's not fun anymore, or if it's the fear of failing in the back of my head or have I just got lazy. I hear many times that I just need a break but I know I've taken MANY breaks for the last 3 years and tried chilling out doing other things and staying away from the studio but I don't think it was helping at all, I think I was taking more breaks than actually attempting more music and obviously that makes me look more lazy. I think for an artist to be successful, he/she can't have a new track every 6 months-1 year, they need to keep coming out with new content keep having new stuff to keep pleasing old and new fans and always having somethng ready so you can keep pursuing more opportunities. I believe I know a couple of ways to help get myself more fans online but I haven't had the urge to do it because I know I wasn't coming out constantly with new content.
I've worked with artists and notice that after a while they don't wanna affiliate with me or even give a fuck about me and they go on to become great artists and achieve their dreams. I think I finally see the reasons why, it's possibly cause they could read me or see that I didn't want it as much as I thought I did, so they thought it's wearing down their career if they join, affiliate or collab with me. It feels a little frustrating that if I put that little extra work in, I could have possibly been the same level as those artists, one is even an owner of a successful record/media deal now and they ain't gonna sign me now. So of course I feel washed up because I've missed many opportunities that got me where I wanted to be.
Talking about Record labels and media deals, people have asked me have I tried getting managers and people to promote everything I do and guess what, I have been. I've spent loads of money that I gave to people who I trust and sadly they were even con-artists or guys who didn't know what they were doing. Obviously I was the fool for relying on them, and these are things I should have done myself but I don't feel I'm good enough to sort the business side or managing myself so therefore I did want a trustworthy manager or record label but these days and ages that's almost impossible in the music industry.
A lot of haters and doubters always wanted me to quit cause what I'm doing isn't bringing in money and they tell me get a normal job, well sadly it looks like they won besides I been researching and looking for jobs in job centre, that's hardly me because I always wanted to prove the haters wrong and do what I love doing. But since the love's going slowly, might as well let them win. If I was saying I don't let the haters bother me, I'd be lying cause of course they also affected the mood in trying to make the music, I can't blame it all on the haters but I can say definitely that if music was going smooth, I could ignore them more than how the situation is right now.
I've said many times that I wanted to quit music because of this but I kept trying cause I feel I have nothing else which leads to suicide thoughts if I quit, I feel I don't wanna let my fans down and I was always having the hope that the flow would back cause the truth is, if music's not going well, I'm not enjoying but if music was just the way in the old days, I'd enjoy it. I MIGHT still make music for games if the opportunity comes (there's one that could be happening) but as for doing gigs, albums, mixtapes etc, I'm done, no point me doing any gigs if I'm only performing the same tracks. Sadly Animation isn't going very well either, I'm thinking if I should continue with my project or have I chosen a hard bite to swallow as well. There are points when I feel as if I've burned out with animation which is bad cause I've hardly start and I don't know if I'm thinking if I wanted that bad as I thought. The character my animation's based on, I can still get things done with other artists but in the sense of me animating the character, I'm not quite sure how things are gonna go, I know my life's gonna change a damn lot more if I quit the animation.
I've spoken to many people about the decision, a few responses was that maybe doing both music and animation is possibly what's making lose the urge like I'm piling up and doing too many things at once, but I don't think that was the case as when I worked on my first album, I was working on an animation project at the same time which was lost in a harddrive and I was working on the second album while working on a music video for someone and my own music video. It was never a problem, when I walked in the studio, whatever I chose never mattered cause the progress grew and grew. As I said already they always said take a break which I've tried many times, I don't think it's about taking a break, I think it's about making a stand and leaving.
So in closing, I don't think I'm cut out to achieve my dream, I may have the skills but I definitely don't have the confidence or the mental focus to keep up with it. I wanna thank everyone for the support but I also wanna apologise to people who's waiting for new music, many fans have said to me how much they love my music and picked me up when I was down but I have let ya down. I know many people respected me because I stood up to haters and doubters and I carried on without giving up, obviously I'm a hypocrite now it just didn't happen, I just think it's time to move on. But to end on a little good sign, I have ONE last track that I'm collabing with someone (I've done my parts and I'm now waiting for my partner's parts) and once that track is finished, I will upload it so look out for that.
So what am I gonna do now? I don't know, we don't what the future holds, I am still on Youtube, Good luck in what everyone does, thanks for reading .[-
1. Don't say you're done or through. Maybe focus on something else, but don't SAY or DECIDE it's over or it will be.
2. For an idea, think of a movie or book or story you like and then put it to music. Now, there are copyrights and so forth, so maybe it could be in your mind but not stated openly. FOR INSTANCE, the movie "Apocalypse Now" - set in Vietnam in the 1960s - is really the novel "Heart of Darkness" with SIMILAR themes but set in 1800s Africa. SO - find something you'd like to "put to music" but is somewhat external. How about putting your life to music? What would birth sound like? What would your mother's theme sound like? Your dad's theme? You as a teen? Make it like a kind of opera. "This music is the love theme for Temphuibus..." That sort of thing.
What do you think?
And I don't think you'd post this unless you wanted someone to talk you out of it. Hell - create music for various character you know on here...
I've definitely been doing new things and focusing on more stuff this year, I'm actually training in MMA now, I didn't think I'd ever do that, I'm back to darts again so I'm definitely doing different things.
The ideas you suggested are great, I could try them if I feel the urge to walk in the studio, at the mo, it's not happening
Thanks very much though, they'll still be Zapedy stuff coming here
Of course your life is different, but you should know this. It's ok to let it go for a while, or maybe even forever. Do what you need to do. I've never seen an artist so far that didn't need a break now and then, some bigger breaks than others. And yes, some do just move on to other things. It may be you've contributed what you have, and it's time contribute in other ways instead. Or something inside you may just be waiting for the right time, whatever that is.
Whatever you do, so long as it's not harmful to others, is the right thing. At the end of the day, making yourself happy is always the goal. Even when we're trying to please others, it makes you feel good, too. I love my job because I get to make others happy by showing them a 3-D version of their characters. Your joy is to share your music so people can enjoy it.
Follow your heart and soul, and do what you love, whatever that may be. There is nothing wrong with change. Just remember, it's not the number of folk watching you that counts. It's each individual loving what you do.
Also, MMA? That's awesome!