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It Would've Been Five Years
17 years ago
It's 23:43 as I write this. Tomorrow would have been Fred and my 5th anniversary if we hadn't broken up last September. To say that I haven't been at least mildly dreading this day is an outright lie; I've definitely been uneasy about it, and it just turned out I had reason to be.
First things first: I was meant to be out of his house and back at mum's a few weeks ago, but the school play I am directing on the 12th December (Fred's birthday incidentally) is taking my life over, as I'm not finding the help I need. Because of all this stress, yesterday I was in afterschool rehearsal with some 20 kids and forgot my briefcase in the staffroom, which was locked up. I had my keys and mobile phone in there. So when around 5pm, after a very long week, I am done with the kids, I have no option but go to mum's. I phone Fred and check when he will be back to his place after work. Turns out he's on his way, so he offers to pick me up. Very civil of him.
Forward to today. From 10am till 6:30pm, just me and two students, working with wood all day to build parts of the set. It was energy-sucking to the max. So when I get back here (Fred left his key in the mailbox, to which I had a key), I am tired to the point of vegetating in front of the TV, watching The E! True Hollywood Story of the Hilton Sisters of all things ... I then drag myself to what will be my room for just a little while longer when Fred comes back from his night out. He walks straight to me, and I do mean straight to me cos he gives me no space. He's smiling and asks, "Do you remember what date it is today?"
Shit.
"Yes ... So? You look like you're expecting something," I say and I laugh nervously. More out of politeness after yesterday than anything else. "Just a hug", he says. So I get up and hug him loosely, to get it over with. "And a kiss". Same ... get it over with. He hugs me again. Then he goes to his room. When he had changed into his robe, he came back and basically said that he was willing to fix things with me if I wanted to. Something he's done every couple of weeks, interspaced with cold shoulders or periods of anger towards me. The short version is that I said no, cos I do not believe we can go back to relationship, and I repeated a few things I've already told him before. Chief amongst these was that I had been telling him for two years that I was unhappy, and he did nothing about it except get mad at me, as if I were deliberately ruining his good times. Anyway, he asks "What do you want from me?" and I think for a second then say "More patience with me until I move out of your way". And from this he says something that makes me feel like he's back to wanting me out of here, if I really will not try to patch things up. But then he confuses me again by saying again that if I want to, I can go sleep in his (once "our") bed for tonight. (He had said this earlier, when I explained how gruelling my day was, as explained earlier. He said, "So you need a good long rest. If you want, you can sleep next to me". And that's where I said I no longer feel that is my place and it all got complex again) So now, if the past 3 months have been any indication, which they have, and he is to follow his own pattern, I am now in for a few days of resentment.
I. Want. Out.
First things first: I was meant to be out of his house and back at mum's a few weeks ago, but the school play I am directing on the 12th December (Fred's birthday incidentally) is taking my life over, as I'm not finding the help I need. Because of all this stress, yesterday I was in afterschool rehearsal with some 20 kids and forgot my briefcase in the staffroom, which was locked up. I had my keys and mobile phone in there. So when around 5pm, after a very long week, I am done with the kids, I have no option but go to mum's. I phone Fred and check when he will be back to his place after work. Turns out he's on his way, so he offers to pick me up. Very civil of him.
Forward to today. From 10am till 6:30pm, just me and two students, working with wood all day to build parts of the set. It was energy-sucking to the max. So when I get back here (Fred left his key in the mailbox, to which I had a key), I am tired to the point of vegetating in front of the TV, watching The E! True Hollywood Story of the Hilton Sisters of all things ... I then drag myself to what will be my room for just a little while longer when Fred comes back from his night out. He walks straight to me, and I do mean straight to me cos he gives me no space. He's smiling and asks, "Do you remember what date it is today?"
Shit.
"Yes ... So? You look like you're expecting something," I say and I laugh nervously. More out of politeness after yesterday than anything else. "Just a hug", he says. So I get up and hug him loosely, to get it over with. "And a kiss". Same ... get it over with. He hugs me again. Then he goes to his room. When he had changed into his robe, he came back and basically said that he was willing to fix things with me if I wanted to. Something he's done every couple of weeks, interspaced with cold shoulders or periods of anger towards me. The short version is that I said no, cos I do not believe we can go back to relationship, and I repeated a few things I've already told him before. Chief amongst these was that I had been telling him for two years that I was unhappy, and he did nothing about it except get mad at me, as if I were deliberately ruining his good times. Anyway, he asks "What do you want from me?" and I think for a second then say "More patience with me until I move out of your way". And from this he says something that makes me feel like he's back to wanting me out of here, if I really will not try to patch things up. But then he confuses me again by saying again that if I want to, I can go sleep in his (once "our") bed for tonight. (He had said this earlier, when I explained how gruelling my day was, as explained earlier. He said, "So you need a good long rest. If you want, you can sleep next to me". And that's where I said I no longer feel that is my place and it all got complex again) So now, if the past 3 months have been any indication, which they have, and he is to follow his own pattern, I am now in for a few days of resentment.
I. Want. Out.
Sorry dude.
See? I'm still alive. ^_^
Some days ago he told me that he was actually out with some guy and that he could have had sex if he wanted. But this guy told him to make sure that he, Fred, is really over me before they carried on. And Fred stopped ... Dammit, I wish he'd have done it cos now Fred is chasing me again! And I just do not believe that we can be together ever again. He's hurt me too much, and he is changed.
Good luck on the play though ;3