I just need clear the clutter out of my head at least and just kind of make it so I can think properly and avoid being a basket case. My thoughts and feelings belong buried deep within so that it can fester into an unhealthy manifestation that can later be used as fuel for survival. I don't know, maybe I am disappointed in myself, maybe I realized I am not good enough for anyone (by my standards and other peoples') and never will be, so why do I get upset or frustrated when these occurrences arrive. I mean I already know all this but with reminders it does hurt just that much more. Perhaps in my ice block I call a heart there is a glimmer of hope that hasn't been crushed... yet. I will throw some truth out here and will deny saying it later but the truth is I am lonely, and I still don't know if I have made the right choices. I have tried to change but I am still not happy. And the truth is, while I went on meds for my anxiety, OCD and depression to focus better on school, the reality is that is a lie... well partly. The real reason is because I was sick of being sad constantly and since I can't change that and I did notice it was affecting a lot of aspects in my life I felt that was the right decision but the side effects were too much and made it difficult to function because I was constantly confused. I have lived alone for 2 years now, maybe that is why I do feel as lonely as I do, and while I have freedom I still feel like a bird trapped in a cage. I can't breathe and maybe I need to flood myself with hobbies to dull it. I need a certain friend. Talking to them really helps but sadly I haven't been able to speak to them as of late. They don't make everything better but they are a nice distraction.

Also, I have been noticing things with me, medically, as of late that has concerned me and has me to the point of being a basket case randomly. As I never admit to when I am crying or upset, as I type this I can't put a dam to block my emotions. I can't afford to be a basket case today so maybe typing this out will help with that. So far it just has put everything in perspective even more. I am not going to say publicly here what those medical issues are. I have discussed them briefly with 1 person and it did help but it doesn't take it away. All I will say is that one of the aspects I had once before. That was when my gallbladder was fused to my liver and I was dying which freaked me out then as well because it is also the last memory I have of my grandfather hours before he died. Those who I have let in that close will know from that what it is. I kind of think I know what it could possibly be, that 1 person I mentioned it to guessed it before I could say what I thought it was which honestly made it just that more real and while I expected this would happen around when I turn 30 I am still not ready. Another reason I have dreaded my next bday which is in a few months as that is when I turn 30. Side note I just realized, all of this happening now is odd because exactly 10years ago was when I was hospitalized and informed that I was dying. I don't think I am dying again but I have the same feeling I did then. Not scared, just like "wow" and saddish. Maybe a little scared.

My goal educationally I have thrown out the window and at this point it is more of a matter of just passing since I am in debt but I lack the passion I had and I honestly don't think I will ever make it as a forensic scientist. I have wanted to work in the science field since I was a young child and now I realize it isn't going to happen. While it hurts at least I can use my education towards another field. I find that I regret decisions I made about my education but things happen for a reason and if things didn't go how they did I wouldn't be in this position in life. I wouldn't have met the people I am close with, I wouldn't understand what it is like to have all these people in my life that I can confide in and not have judgments passed. Some of the people I have let into my life over the past year are extraordinary and I do love them and wouldn't trade them for anything. Everything does happen for a reason and maybe I am not meant to work with cadavers, maybe I was meant to work with the living. I do know that whatever I choose I am supposed to help people.

So what am I doing at this moment? Balling my eyes out, laying on my stomach, listening to people talking on Skype with my mic muted so they can't hear, chain smoking cigars, and thinking about Hellboy from the movie when he tells Liz "I wish I could change this" and motions to his face then says "I can promise you 2 things, I will always look this good and no one will ever love you like me" That is exactly how I feel right now which I think is why I have the connection to Hellboy like I do. Plus he has lots of kitties which is nice. All I know is that while I have a bunch of things plaguing me and I know I will just never been good enough and I have always accepted that, I can't accept it any longer. I feel used a lot of the time and I do feel like I am only useful when people are in need of something then once I help them I am tossed away again.

I pretend everything is ok and fake a smile so that I don't make others worry and I can help them with their issues but the truth of the matter is I am scared, hurt, lonely, confused, and I have no idea what I am doing with my life. I think closing myself off is my best option but it has always been what I have always done and the results are always the same. I am totally lost. I have tried to take steps towards being more comfortable with people but I just can't open up as easily as I would like and it has taken a lot for me to type all of this and post it but it is part of me trying.