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Handicapped - an open letter
12 years ago
General
I don't post journals very much. I've been described as a very private person in a lot of ways. To be honest, I had to think about it for a little while before I decided to write this one, but I finally decided that it simply needed to be done. This isn't a PSA. This is a journal I'm posting for me, to get the poison out of the wound. If you don't want to read my whinging, you should probably just stop here and go read something a little nicer. It's all downhill from here.
Reading it again, it looks a little melodramatic in places, but this is how I really feel. This is one of the hardest things I've ever written, but I have to get this out.
Not a lot of people know this, but I have a spinal problem. The vertebrae near the base of my spine are too close together. It's not completely debilitating - I can still walk - but there are a lot of things I can't do for more than a few seconds without feeling like someone is driving a knife into my back.
Running. Riding a bike. Most exercises. Carrying heavy objects. Standing upright in one place without moving around.
Most people think that a bad back is something you get when you get older. Maybe you've exercised too much, or done it poorly. Maybe you have an old injury that never healed properly, or maybe you didn't get enough calcium. There are lots of ways to get a bad back, especially when the years start adding up like they are for me.
I was born this way.
If you're in a wheelchair or walk with crutches, people can see your handicap. They know you have a legitimate problem, and they'll make way for you. Some of them won't be very gracious about it, but they'll do it, because not doing it carries enough of a social stigma that most people aren't willing to bear it. If they won't make accommodations because it's the right thing to do, they'll do it because they don't want to seem like a total scumbag.
It's...hard to describe the way people treat you when you're handicapped, but not visibly so. Building things up, tearing them down, moving them around...I try to apologize and explain. I want to help. I really, truly do. But people just LOOK at you, and they don't have to say a word. Their facial expressions say it all.
"You could do this if you really tried."
"You're using it as an excuse."
"You're just lazy."
"Faker."
Maybe you think I don't hear the things people say behind my back, but word has a way of getting around. And you know what? It hurts. It hurts a lot. The pain in my back is dwarfed by the pain of knowing that even people I consider my friends look at me as if I'm just faffing off, putting my feet up and kicking back and enjoying the easy life because I can use my back problems as an excuse. Never mind the way I grimace when I stand up, never mind the way I drop down into a chair for some blessed relief.
I've been told that if I exercised more, I'd lose weight, and the back problem wouldn't be so bad.
True, but if I was able to do 90% of the exercises people recommend, it wouldn't be a problem in the first place.
Exercise won't fix my spine. (Neither will surgery. I've checked.)
And then I'm chatting with some people I kinda know online. Mostly pretty nice folks.
The topic turns to sex, as it so often does. Big surprise, sex is one of the things that drives us as a species.
I take a chance. I admit that I don't really have a sex life. (I'm used to getting teased mercilessly about that.)
I even admit that there are things I just can't do in the bedroom because of my handicap.
I try not to even mention my handicap in general, lest people think I'm trying to fish for sympathy (something I've been accused of many times in the past), but I know these people fairly well and I think it'll be okay. It's a fairly adult discussion.
I even admit that I've had potential partners turn me away because of my condition. I'm not naming names.
And you say, "That's Darwinism for you."
I shouldn't be surprised. You've been lashing out at people for the last while.
I shouldn't take it personally. You don't even really know me that well.
I've been dealing with this for decades. Who the hell are you? What do you know about me?
But it doesn't matter.
That's Darwinism for you.
You're alone because you deserve to be.
Because you're defective.
so I left. Because I had to.
I can only assume you're in a lot of pain, yourself. I can only guess at what makes you so unhappy that your response to someone opening up to you is to take out a knife and start hollowing them out like a pumpkin. I try to use my pain to understand the pain of others and help them. But I know not everyone is like that, and I understand that a wounded animal can lash out sometimes. I hope you can someday find the peace in your heart to realize what you did, and then forgive yourself. Right now, I don't think you even care.
May you never know what it is to be in pain from the moment you wake up until the moment you go to sleep.
May you never know the scorn of your peers, your co-workers, potential partners, for being how you are.
May you never know what it is to hide things like this away, for fear people will say things just like what you said.
No one should have to live this way.
Not even you.
I can't believe I'm going to post this. People are going to look at it and think I'm a drama whore, or that I've finally gone off the deep end. It's honestly pretty embarrassing. For those of you who have your opinions of me lowered by what you've just read, I apologize. This wasn't for you. This was for me. I don't want your pity, or your anger at this person, or anything like that. I'm already getting what I want by excising this thing. If it maybe makes one or two of you understand me just a little better, that would be nice too.
Reading it again, it looks a little melodramatic in places, but this is how I really feel. This is one of the hardest things I've ever written, but I have to get this out.
Not a lot of people know this, but I have a spinal problem. The vertebrae near the base of my spine are too close together. It's not completely debilitating - I can still walk - but there are a lot of things I can't do for more than a few seconds without feeling like someone is driving a knife into my back.
Running. Riding a bike. Most exercises. Carrying heavy objects. Standing upright in one place without moving around.
Most people think that a bad back is something you get when you get older. Maybe you've exercised too much, or done it poorly. Maybe you have an old injury that never healed properly, or maybe you didn't get enough calcium. There are lots of ways to get a bad back, especially when the years start adding up like they are for me.
I was born this way.
If you're in a wheelchair or walk with crutches, people can see your handicap. They know you have a legitimate problem, and they'll make way for you. Some of them won't be very gracious about it, but they'll do it, because not doing it carries enough of a social stigma that most people aren't willing to bear it. If they won't make accommodations because it's the right thing to do, they'll do it because they don't want to seem like a total scumbag.
It's...hard to describe the way people treat you when you're handicapped, but not visibly so. Building things up, tearing them down, moving them around...I try to apologize and explain. I want to help. I really, truly do. But people just LOOK at you, and they don't have to say a word. Their facial expressions say it all.
"You could do this if you really tried."
"You're using it as an excuse."
"You're just lazy."
"Faker."
Maybe you think I don't hear the things people say behind my back, but word has a way of getting around. And you know what? It hurts. It hurts a lot. The pain in my back is dwarfed by the pain of knowing that even people I consider my friends look at me as if I'm just faffing off, putting my feet up and kicking back and enjoying the easy life because I can use my back problems as an excuse. Never mind the way I grimace when I stand up, never mind the way I drop down into a chair for some blessed relief.
I've been told that if I exercised more, I'd lose weight, and the back problem wouldn't be so bad.
True, but if I was able to do 90% of the exercises people recommend, it wouldn't be a problem in the first place.
Exercise won't fix my spine. (Neither will surgery. I've checked.)
And then I'm chatting with some people I kinda know online. Mostly pretty nice folks.
The topic turns to sex, as it so often does. Big surprise, sex is one of the things that drives us as a species.
I take a chance. I admit that I don't really have a sex life. (I'm used to getting teased mercilessly about that.)
I even admit that there are things I just can't do in the bedroom because of my handicap.
I try not to even mention my handicap in general, lest people think I'm trying to fish for sympathy (something I've been accused of many times in the past), but I know these people fairly well and I think it'll be okay. It's a fairly adult discussion.
I even admit that I've had potential partners turn me away because of my condition. I'm not naming names.
And you say, "That's Darwinism for you."
I shouldn't be surprised. You've been lashing out at people for the last while.
I shouldn't take it personally. You don't even really know me that well.
I've been dealing with this for decades. Who the hell are you? What do you know about me?
But it doesn't matter.
That's Darwinism for you.
You're alone because you deserve to be.
Because you're defective.
so I left. Because I had to.
I can only assume you're in a lot of pain, yourself. I can only guess at what makes you so unhappy that your response to someone opening up to you is to take out a knife and start hollowing them out like a pumpkin. I try to use my pain to understand the pain of others and help them. But I know not everyone is like that, and I understand that a wounded animal can lash out sometimes. I hope you can someday find the peace in your heart to realize what you did, and then forgive yourself. Right now, I don't think you even care.
May you never know what it is to be in pain from the moment you wake up until the moment you go to sleep.
May you never know the scorn of your peers, your co-workers, potential partners, for being how you are.
May you never know what it is to hide things like this away, for fear people will say things just like what you said.
No one should have to live this way.
Not even you.
I can't believe I'm going to post this. People are going to look at it and think I'm a drama whore, or that I've finally gone off the deep end. It's honestly pretty embarrassing. For those of you who have your opinions of me lowered by what you've just read, I apologize. This wasn't for you. This was for me. I don't want your pity, or your anger at this person, or anything like that. I'm already getting what I want by excising this thing. If it maybe makes one or two of you understand me just a little better, that would be nice too.
I will however, never understand how can people say things that you've just described to another person, we're all people, handicaped or not, we all deserve good things.
Those who say those things i believe have their own personal problems.. and they should talk about them as well, instead of stressing them out in hatred towards others.
Again, yes, i don't know you, but i do care for others, even if random strangers, I hope you find a solution at one point..
I had no idea. The times I have truly been able to see you, grimacing when getting up or flopping down were the last days of TFF and I understandably thought you were totally wiped from con itself. Which in and of itself is true. I understand your pain, it's a hard road. We don't all get on that road in the same way, but none the less are traveling together.
We don't know each other well, hell I know your name and the face to put it with and that's about it, but should you like to talk, I'll listen. I'd say a shoulder to lean on, but its a bit low for leaning :)
Feel good about yourself in writing this. Your true friends will now understand better. Those that didn't give a flying fuck before, still won't, but that is their problem, not yours. They aren't worth it anyway.
I wish I had more then words to help out here.
But in any event, I'm also one of those people that needs to dump and vent from time to time. Behind my roughneck outer skin there is someone who is also dealing with his own issues, physically and otherwise. You took on some of those problems back when you were on Knotcast, and it helped me a great deal.
Still not perfect, still not all set, but also still a work in progress.
I have ALSO...gotten used to the constant jokes about me not getting laid ever. You are not the only one.
So there you go, no sympathy, no anger, just some facts and ideas.
I'm glad you shared this, it helps me understand you a lot better. You never really show that your in pain, you hide it so well. You are strong. I know that you and I aren't close but if you ever need someone to talk to, I'd love to listen.
As for your friends that abandoned you and said things behind your back, they aren't worth keeping around and your true friends will understand and still treat you as they have always done.
I hope this is a wake up call to people who dismiss handicaps and disabilities that aren't obvious.
Things like this aren't obvious to outsiders but they are life affecting for those who have them.
I want to gib you huggles ;-;
nothing I say can compare to what everyone else is saying because everyone has already said it :c
*hugglehugglehugglehugglehuggle*
And by that I'm not talking about physical pain...
It's true: "Hurt people hurt people." and when someone violates the prime directive ("Don't be a dick."), you are able to intelligently walk away while still maintaining empathy for said violator...
You can be opinionated, but you're always able to have discussions without being angry at people for disagreeing or having opposing view points...
And that... is why you rock.
So cheers, congrats on not letting the bass-turds get you down, and if they never come around to anything resembling empathy, "Screw 'em".
/.-, VV