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You deserve to know.
17 years ago
I'm so busy making sure everyone around me is happy because I don't know how to make myself happy. I don't know how to sit down and think of myself without pointing out all the flaws about me and all the things I've done wrong. I just get to worrying when I don't have someone else to be making happy. I know the things that make me happy but I don't know how to make myself happy. I have the greatest friends I could ask for and a beautiful woman that I love with all my life. I do everything to keep them all happy. Then when I go to think about myself I just tear myself apart, badly. I usually end up losing control of things around me and myself. I do things I would never normally do. I wanna apologize for all the stupid things I've done. Now that grandma is gone and grandpa can't walk well, I feel horrible for not going over and spending time with him. I wish I could play one more game of checkers with Grandma. I wish I could've told her how much of a mom she was to me. I wanna apologize to my friends that I blew off to just sit at home and do nothing.
I'd rather see someone else happy than try to make myself happy. I can't do it. I get scared to think of myself because I know what happens. I start to lose control of things and I grasp for whatever I can for a feeling of control. Even if that means I get mad and make someone bend to my wants. I just lose control. I need to be making someone else happy to make myself happy. I'm a very submissive person I guess. I say yes too much and do whatever people ask me.
I try to understand the world around me. I ask questions and push my nose into other people's stuff so I know more. I try to be intellectual in my ways and think things through but whenever I think of myself I lose whatever touch with understanding things that I had. I don't understand myself. I care too much, not in a bad way. I just take on too much and then crumble when I think of how it affects me. I go on thinking of what everyone else is thinking and how I could make things better. I wonder what they're thinking when I say something or do something.
I'm not afraid to be myself at all. I dress how I want and I act how I want, even if that annoys the people around me. It's easier to be making someone else happy than worry about my own happiness. When I can finally think of myself and have a smile on my face, that'll be a great day. Until then I'll work on my problems.
I would've posted this on lj only but I thought everyone deserved to know. You all deserve to know why I'm always willing to do things that I really can't take on. You all deserve to know.
I'd rather see someone else happy than try to make myself happy. I can't do it. I get scared to think of myself because I know what happens. I start to lose control of things and I grasp for whatever I can for a feeling of control. Even if that means I get mad and make someone bend to my wants. I just lose control. I need to be making someone else happy to make myself happy. I'm a very submissive person I guess. I say yes too much and do whatever people ask me.
I try to understand the world around me. I ask questions and push my nose into other people's stuff so I know more. I try to be intellectual in my ways and think things through but whenever I think of myself I lose whatever touch with understanding things that I had. I don't understand myself. I care too much, not in a bad way. I just take on too much and then crumble when I think of how it affects me. I go on thinking of what everyone else is thinking and how I could make things better. I wonder what they're thinking when I say something or do something.
I'm not afraid to be myself at all. I dress how I want and I act how I want, even if that annoys the people around me. It's easier to be making someone else happy than worry about my own happiness. When I can finally think of myself and have a smile on my face, that'll be a great day. Until then I'll work on my problems.
I would've posted this on lj only but I thought everyone deserved to know. You all deserve to know why I'm always willing to do things that I really can't take on. You all deserve to know.
"When you're scared,
I will stay with you,
When you feel you're falling,
I'll lift you.
When you're heart breaks,
I'll ease your aches,
Whatever it takes, i'm in
Anytime you need a friend."
You're not alone. <3
It makes me feel better [in a non evil way] that you are the same. I really hate being so caring.
--
I think the worst part is one of my closest friends is never happy no matter how much you try so I bend over backwards for her and she's still not happy and can find 100 reasons to be mad. :/
^^" My bf is starting to pester me about my low self-esteem issues. Maybe you could get your gf to do the same. It helps to know you have someone who cares about your issues. As soon as he botheres me about it i could tell him pretty much whatever i was thinking. :P
Yeah, sometimes its a pain to be caring, because you think that everyone is depending on you and that you have to do whatever they want. Sometimes it helps just to realize that you cant o everything, though.
and dont worry, everything'll be fine. :3 *hugs for evahs*
*hugs*
would it help to ask you to think of yourself for a change? for a day or something? ignore everybody else, like?
*ruffles your hair*
I know how it feels to be ready to help, and being reluctant to ask for help oneself... being abused by others because you can't say 'no'... only with me it's not as severe. I have learned to say 'no' after being fucked over by someone I considered a friend for many years. :P