so yeah i have been being really unstable of late mentally. depression has been ripping at me hard. i have been doing everything in my power to try to overcome it. i have been trying so hard. for some reason as i again try to forgive my past and move on my past has risen up like an extinction level tectonic plate uplift throwing everything including things i have not even thought about in ages at me. like hot molten lava. right in my face. But i keep trying. i keep trying. i try so hard. i am not as strong as people think. i am not. my sleep has been other than for one tiny dream segment last night but nightmares. nothing but. and fucked up cause i am lucid in them but for the most part i just keep giving up in them and let them sweep me away cause in them i keep trying so hard and failing so hard... So on top of all of this... On top of the cold and shit making it almost impossible for me to even climb the fucking stairs. (and yes i know people have it worse than me. guess what. i am not them. nor am i the Billions of fuckers how have it a LOT better than me either. My pain is fucking valid even if you try to invalidate it with OH but i had it worse. I am not you. you are not me. so just fucking drop that shit. after all so many of the same people that tell me to never compare myself or my life to others are the self same fuckers who hit me with well this person has it worse or i have it worse than you so shut the fuck up. and as far as complaining i kept that shit in for decades and it is the reason i am such a fucking ray of sunshine now cause i let it fester and rot. so yeah suck my dysfunctional tiny dick) So yeah on top of all this shit was a fucking letter today from the fucking Code Enforcer. i have no idea what is in it. Code Enforcer in my life usually spells all sorts of fucking horror. My current guesses are the planters out front cause they look like shit when nothing is alive in them. the stuff at the side of the house which includes the bags of mortar to someday if i ever get the help to do so to fix the steps. which are so fucking heavy i simply cannot move them. or the yard which is under construction cause i am crippled up and it takes me 40 times longer to fucking do things than a normal fucking person. yet there are yards and shit around here that make mine look like fucking Martha Stewart fucking lives here and i never see them get shit. A stray fucking bottle in my mine and the world slams on me. the remnants of a third world war field in someone else's and that is just fine and dandy. so now i wonder what new hell awaits me in that fucking envelope while i sit with legs in so much fucking pain i doubt like hell i will get all the fucking garbage done and other shit that needs be done in the house. cause yeah. i needed this on top of everything else. i think this year i am just going to undo everything and get rid of everything in my fucking life so maybe just fucking maybe people will leave me the fuck alone. and after all i cannot be hurt by this constant failure if i just fucking surrender and get rid of anything i had any joy or pride in anyway.