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The Penitent Liar
19 years ago
General
I've lied to you all.
There is someone I am deeply, dearly attached to, but for all I know the feelings are not reciprocated. I've lived for four years hanging in and out of a limbo, serving dutifully as a crying shoulder and teddy bear, only to have my feelings sealed away in tupperware whenever they become inconvenient. I've been in love with this person for all this time, and she has consciously efforted to keep me in 'the friend zone'... without a single acknowledgement for how I feel. I've made it bluntly, starkly obvious on several occasions. ...
On second thought, it's not a total lie.
I've mentioned my situation before. Essentially, I have been chasing a metaphorical carrot dangling on a string in front of my face for these years. I'm tired of running... I'm so tired to spilling my heart to see it go down a drain. I've resolved again and again to just shut the fuck up and keep it to myself and not say a word to her--since telling her does NOTHING for me--but the pressure always builds to where I can't stand it anymore... and I crack... again.
It seemed that every WEEK something would happen to her, leaving her proverbially wounded and crippled, and every WEEK that it happened, it sounded like the most infuriatingly obvious distress call, and in the very image of pompous chivalry, I would DIVE IN for the rescue, only to meet the brick wall of rejection head-on.
...as I analyze this to you right now, the inkling flickers in my mind that maybe she was throwing herself on the train tracks so someone -else- could rescue her... someone else who doesn't seem to care less, who WON'T save her--but nevertheless, I jump in at every turn and ruin her plan.
I would drop everything for any god damned reason or excuse as far as it pertained to Her and Her Trouble, but there would never be a single acknowledgement toward me. Maybe I can illustrate this in an even simpler parable: She begs for food, I offer a buffet, her response is "...". She begs for water, I offer a lake, her response is "...". She begs for a shelter, I build her a palace, her response is "...".
better yet here's a literal one: She prayed aloud right in front of me for someone who would love her no matter WHAT and would not be able to stop even if they tried... And *poof* here I am. You'd think, happily-ever-fucking-after, right? No. *KER-SNUB!* was all I got.
What... the fuck... did I do wrong...?
If I do not take care... my compassion could so easily turn to contempt, yet I -know- it would do -nothing- to assist her and could even HURT her. HOW can I be so useful as a pain sink to cry on the shoulder of and blow one's nose in the fur of (gross... but i still did put up with it), but the MOMENT I turn up a solution, I'm fucking invisible!
Am I the only one capable of seeing how wrong it is? Please tell me I'm not hallucinating.
...
*Sigh*
this conversation needs to get back on track.
Find a track... and ride it. Find a track and ride it. Okay. A track.
Alright. So... what do I want to do?
I want resolution. I want closure. I want to know what the fuck I'm supposed to do with myself, because this back-and-forth is unbearable. I can't change what I feel about her, and I can't survive perpetually swallowing it like this. Wishful thinking asks that she acknowledge it, but common sense says fuck it all and fuck her. Am I really ready to abandon her after she's seen that much abandonment? She seems so oblivious to how much it's killing me to open up and then get promptly IGNORED.... The one thing that's confusing me is the fact that when she says something and I respond to the contrary, she doesn't even seem to hear it... she says nobody loves her, I tell her I do. She says nobody believes in her, but I do. She says nobody wants her, but jesus flaming refried christ on a stick there is NOTHING I WANT MORE than HER! AND ALL I GET IS SILENCE! NOT EVEN A "..."! JUST SILENCE! IF SHE SAID "STOP, YOU'RE CREEPY", I'D AT LEAST HAVE SOMETHING TO HOLD ME AT BAY! BUT EVEN WHEN I OFFER TO STOP OPENING MY GODS FUCKING DAMNED MOUTH I STILL GET -NO- RESPONSE!
;_; What the HELL!? WHAT THE HELL!?
If I could be sure of her response I'd know how to react afterwards... but getting nothing is just... a fatal crash. inconclusive. How can someone who laments so much love lost WANT someone to stop? how can I make an assumption like that?
*deep breath...*
so... either I continue on hammering in the truth like there's no tomorrow and get nothing...
swallow what I feel again because it's inconvenient and go back to being a handy dandy collapsible resealable friend-in-a-bag....
or give her one final confrontation where I say GOOD RIDDANCE, and give her a reason to think she's RIGHT when she says nobody loves her, wants her, believes in her, or cares about her...
and if I do stop trying to hold her up... what if she falls?
What will happen to her son if she stops caring...?
Even if I tell her I don't care anymore, I still will ;_; if something happens to her, i'll never be able to forgive myself, not ever; I can't forgive myself for the PETTIEST of my betrayals to even my most distant friends; I have a slideshow of every insult and wrong I've ever commited to anyone I even slightly cared about playing on continuous loop somewhere in the back of my mind that I can NOT shut off; I kick myself every day for things I said years ago. I have a list of red names connected to black splotches of guilt inside me, the only remnants of people I can't talk to anymore because they HATE ME.
... how... how can I risk adding another name... another flaw...
I'm paralyzed...
And that's the truth.
There is someone I am deeply, dearly attached to, but for all I know the feelings are not reciprocated. I've lived for four years hanging in and out of a limbo, serving dutifully as a crying shoulder and teddy bear, only to have my feelings sealed away in tupperware whenever they become inconvenient. I've been in love with this person for all this time, and she has consciously efforted to keep me in 'the friend zone'... without a single acknowledgement for how I feel. I've made it bluntly, starkly obvious on several occasions. ...
On second thought, it's not a total lie.
I've mentioned my situation before. Essentially, I have been chasing a metaphorical carrot dangling on a string in front of my face for these years. I'm tired of running... I'm so tired to spilling my heart to see it go down a drain. I've resolved again and again to just shut the fuck up and keep it to myself and not say a word to her--since telling her does NOTHING for me--but the pressure always builds to where I can't stand it anymore... and I crack... again.
It seemed that every WEEK something would happen to her, leaving her proverbially wounded and crippled, and every WEEK that it happened, it sounded like the most infuriatingly obvious distress call, and in the very image of pompous chivalry, I would DIVE IN for the rescue, only to meet the brick wall of rejection head-on.
...as I analyze this to you right now, the inkling flickers in my mind that maybe she was throwing herself on the train tracks so someone -else- could rescue her... someone else who doesn't seem to care less, who WON'T save her--but nevertheless, I jump in at every turn and ruin her plan.
I would drop everything for any god damned reason or excuse as far as it pertained to Her and Her Trouble, but there would never be a single acknowledgement toward me. Maybe I can illustrate this in an even simpler parable: She begs for food, I offer a buffet, her response is "...". She begs for water, I offer a lake, her response is "...". She begs for a shelter, I build her a palace, her response is "...".
better yet here's a literal one: She prayed aloud right in front of me for someone who would love her no matter WHAT and would not be able to stop even if they tried... And *poof* here I am. You'd think, happily-ever-fucking-after, right? No. *KER-SNUB!* was all I got.
What... the fuck... did I do wrong...?
If I do not take care... my compassion could so easily turn to contempt, yet I -know- it would do -nothing- to assist her and could even HURT her. HOW can I be so useful as a pain sink to cry on the shoulder of and blow one's nose in the fur of (gross... but i still did put up with it), but the MOMENT I turn up a solution, I'm fucking invisible!
Am I the only one capable of seeing how wrong it is? Please tell me I'm not hallucinating.
...
*Sigh*
this conversation needs to get back on track.
Find a track... and ride it. Find a track and ride it. Okay. A track.
Alright. So... what do I want to do?
I want resolution. I want closure. I want to know what the fuck I'm supposed to do with myself, because this back-and-forth is unbearable. I can't change what I feel about her, and I can't survive perpetually swallowing it like this. Wishful thinking asks that she acknowledge it, but common sense says fuck it all and fuck her. Am I really ready to abandon her after she's seen that much abandonment? She seems so oblivious to how much it's killing me to open up and then get promptly IGNORED.... The one thing that's confusing me is the fact that when she says something and I respond to the contrary, she doesn't even seem to hear it... she says nobody loves her, I tell her I do. She says nobody believes in her, but I do. She says nobody wants her, but jesus flaming refried christ on a stick there is NOTHING I WANT MORE than HER! AND ALL I GET IS SILENCE! NOT EVEN A "..."! JUST SILENCE! IF SHE SAID "STOP, YOU'RE CREEPY", I'D AT LEAST HAVE SOMETHING TO HOLD ME AT BAY! BUT EVEN WHEN I OFFER TO STOP OPENING MY GODS FUCKING DAMNED MOUTH I STILL GET -NO- RESPONSE!
;_; What the HELL!? WHAT THE HELL!?
If I could be sure of her response I'd know how to react afterwards... but getting nothing is just... a fatal crash. inconclusive. How can someone who laments so much love lost WANT someone to stop? how can I make an assumption like that?
*deep breath...*
so... either I continue on hammering in the truth like there's no tomorrow and get nothing...
swallow what I feel again because it's inconvenient and go back to being a handy dandy collapsible resealable friend-in-a-bag....
or give her one final confrontation where I say GOOD RIDDANCE, and give her a reason to think she's RIGHT when she says nobody loves her, wants her, believes in her, or cares about her...
and if I do stop trying to hold her up... what if she falls?
What will happen to her son if she stops caring...?
Even if I tell her I don't care anymore, I still will ;_; if something happens to her, i'll never be able to forgive myself, not ever; I can't forgive myself for the PETTIEST of my betrayals to even my most distant friends; I have a slideshow of every insult and wrong I've ever commited to anyone I even slightly cared about playing on continuous loop somewhere in the back of my mind that I can NOT shut off; I kick myself every day for things I said years ago. I have a list of red names connected to black splotches of guilt inside me, the only remnants of people I can't talk to anymore because they HATE ME.
... how... how can I risk adding another name... another flaw...
I'm paralyzed...
And that's the truth.
It may sound trite, but...
Heh. My answer to all ailments. Go have some icecream. Or whatever that is similar that you enjoy. This time of year, I would prescribe heavy thick rich clog-your-arteries eggnog, without alchohal.
Fill your stomach, get in a warm bed, make certain to wear socks and such to keep warm. Close your eyes and imagine a peaceful place, someplace where you can relax and be calm.
I... don't want to tell you anything beyond that, for the fear of being... well, me. ...that makes sense to me right now, but after sleeping that won't. But here's the deal.
I'm an asshole. Took me 15 years to realise that. But now that I know it... I use it to my advantage. The petty betrails or stupid actions, I can shrug off now. Again, trite, but if people are good friends, or even mediocre friends, they'll understand the minor shit.
As for... her? I know what you mean there, and you'll have to make a judgement on your own. On questions like this, nobody can provide your answer for you, they can only share their answer. And mine? Well, I've let 'em all fall after awhile. Some it was for the best, in one case... I never should have let go.
But that's me. And you are you. I wouldn't change that for the world, because that would be... well, wrong.
Just... remeber to figure out which is the good thing, and which is the right thing. Neither choice is wrong. But.... it'll help. I think. It helps me.
And that's the only bit of truth I've got.