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Sorry Justin, but I am a Idiot
12 years ago
Ok, this a going to turn into a personal rant so I apologize for a lackluster journal entry. But...I'm sick and tired of myself.
Seriously; I think I have a mental disorder or mood disorder, some kind of psychological problem. I have NO energy, NO confidence, NO focus or concentration, NO willingness to do much. This has been a problem for quite some time, but last night hit me hard over the noggin'. Out of everything I did yesterday; the only thing I accomplished AT ALL was getting my taxes done the moment my W-2 arrived. THAT of its self is technically a good thing (as I avoid the Tax Day Monster for another year and will be getting a hefty refund...that I will have to save towards my Final Car Payment now because I screwed up my original plans), but that was ALL I DID yesterday that was productive and/or social.
My day yesterday was spent getting up, going to work and being lethargic for most of it, coming home, staring at the ceiling for an hour trying to concentrate on writing, staring at my backpack for an hour contemplating getting my paper and pencils out to draw, glued mindlessly to the television for 3 hours watching reruns of shows I could care less about anymore, and 2 hours lying in bed. My taxes only took me 2 hours to complete...2 HOURS (hell, maybe even less; I don't have all this other crap they check for because I'm still just a single living-at-home part-time shlump). I could have easily clicked on Skype to finally talk to friends (one I made a promise the other day to talk). And what do I do?....I STARE at the fucking icon for 30 mins until I decide I can't stay in my fucking room anymore, leave the house and just drive off for an hour to wherever the fuck I want.
I wasted so much precious time; wasted so many opportunities to get any personal work done; betrayed a friend or two's trust for my lack of commitment, tossed out several hours of my life just staring blankly into space. WHY!?!?!?
Sure; I'm depressed right now. I've been thinking about how poorly I've been dealing with my finances/money and how my grand plan to save up enough for my final car payment this coming September crumbled because my job was and still is a piece of shit changing how my boss is allowed to schedule people for work. Part-timers at my job are ONLY ALLOWED to work 25 hrs A WEEK NOW...25 HRS!?!?!? But it's not just my job at fault here; I also have my own blames, spending money on crap I didn't need (food especially...I'm not a cat, I'm a fucking goddamn pig), somehow spending more on my Credit Cards even after I used chunks of my past Tax refunds and extra money that came my way to help reduce my debt ONLY to somehow come back to where I exactly started. How did I even accumulate so much fucking debt in the first place?
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*bashes my head against a wall until a gaping hole is left and my forehead is bleeding*
Why am I such a fucking slacker? Why can't I just focus? Why can't I just find time to talk to my friends instead of flaking or jwekndkkl;amf???
My life is like a fart. I need to find some air fresheners or something or I'm never going to get out of this funk I've buried myself in.
Seriously; I think I have a mental disorder or mood disorder, some kind of psychological problem. I have NO energy, NO confidence, NO focus or concentration, NO willingness to do much. This has been a problem for quite some time, but last night hit me hard over the noggin'. Out of everything I did yesterday; the only thing I accomplished AT ALL was getting my taxes done the moment my W-2 arrived. THAT of its self is technically a good thing (as I avoid the Tax Day Monster for another year and will be getting a hefty refund...that I will have to save towards my Final Car Payment now because I screwed up my original plans), but that was ALL I DID yesterday that was productive and/or social.
My day yesterday was spent getting up, going to work and being lethargic for most of it, coming home, staring at the ceiling for an hour trying to concentrate on writing, staring at my backpack for an hour contemplating getting my paper and pencils out to draw, glued mindlessly to the television for 3 hours watching reruns of shows I could care less about anymore, and 2 hours lying in bed. My taxes only took me 2 hours to complete...2 HOURS (hell, maybe even less; I don't have all this other crap they check for because I'm still just a single living-at-home part-time shlump). I could have easily clicked on Skype to finally talk to friends (one I made a promise the other day to talk). And what do I do?....I STARE at the fucking icon for 30 mins until I decide I can't stay in my fucking room anymore, leave the house and just drive off for an hour to wherever the fuck I want.
I wasted so much precious time; wasted so many opportunities to get any personal work done; betrayed a friend or two's trust for my lack of commitment, tossed out several hours of my life just staring blankly into space. WHY!?!?!?
Sure; I'm depressed right now. I've been thinking about how poorly I've been dealing with my finances/money and how my grand plan to save up enough for my final car payment this coming September crumbled because my job was and still is a piece of shit changing how my boss is allowed to schedule people for work. Part-timers at my job are ONLY ALLOWED to work 25 hrs A WEEK NOW...25 HRS!?!?!? But it's not just my job at fault here; I also have my own blames, spending money on crap I didn't need (food especially...I'm not a cat, I'm a fucking goddamn pig), somehow spending more on my Credit Cards even after I used chunks of my past Tax refunds and extra money that came my way to help reduce my debt ONLY to somehow come back to where I exactly started. How did I even accumulate so much fucking debt in the first place?
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*bashes my head against a wall until a gaping hole is left and my forehead is bleeding*
Why am I such a fucking slacker? Why can't I just focus? Why can't I just find time to talk to my friends instead of flaking or jwekndkkl;amf???
My life is like a fart. I need to find some air fresheners or something or I'm never going to get out of this funk I've buried myself in.
Dollar Tree.
(Poker face.)
Thanks Ney
I don't know...it's really a "last-resort" option I want to reserve.