BYU-Idaho is so concerned about the spiritual damage of masturbation, they've created a "Saving Private Ryan"-themed PSA about how letting your roommate jerk off is like leaving a wounded soldier on the battlefield. So I guess instead of just...you know, staying out of the room until my roommate was finished doing the Five Finger Mambo, I should have charged in with an AK-47, radioed for a medic, and firebombed his laptop. I could have pulled him away from our dorm going up in flames with a dramatic snarl on my face and his pants down, lotion in-hand as a John Williams score played.

The funniest thing about this is that it takes itself so damned seriously. Your roommate's life in this world and in the next is at stake if you continue to let him beat off to XTube. I guess that magic underwear isn't as effective as we thought.