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RECAP, UPDATES, THINGS TO COME, AND GRADUATION
11 years ago
VEIWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED This is it, and I feel I should write a journal about it.
A year in recap: this year has certainly been... Eye opening for me. Many new experiences, and many mirror images of the old. Much to my excitement, I was accepted into college at the beginning of the school year. I was in my first relationship with another of my gender. I'd finally got hired, instead of doing farm work, and still work as a pizza man to this day. I even tried playing a varsity sport that I never had before.
BUT this year has not come without its difficulties. The first hardship, for me, came when my last football season ever came to a close. I ended up in a slump for a while, and it shall be a gap that'll be hard to fill. Who knows, maybe I'll play in college. The hardships continued after my mom had moved out of her ex husbands house... And soon after kicked me out. I lived on my own for well over a month. My father, who i already never saw, chimed in in time to tell me he was moving several states over. I learned a lot in that time, mostly that I can handle living by myself. When I moved back, my mom gave my only companion away without my knowing. My dog Mac. It was a rough time for me. I rebounded soon there after, losing myself in work, sports, school, and every book I could read. My sisters cancer complications were only an additive to my already overly active mind. Unfortunately, in response to the above, I sort of... Burned out. I over worked myself, and I fear I still may be recovering from that.
Recap end
With the coming of this may, I will be permanently gone from high school, graduated and on my way to the "real world." I, of course, have insanely mixed feelings about this. I missed a lot growing up... I moved so much that I never got to have life long friends, or experience what so many others had... I never had experimental loves. A big part of my sadness is that I never really got to explore my young romantic side, be that with man or woman... I guess I'm saying I regret never having come out.. On the other hand, I am saddened because I experienced so much! I made friends, ones closer to myself than I ever knew possible. I learned things about myself, and developed skills. I blossomed in my community, and online. Going from a shy, young teenager, to the man I am today was not a slick process. I was awkward, and shy... Confused, if you will. It's just sad for me to see such a significant stage in my life so abruptly pass, with no avail to my pleas to slow it.
I hate to say it, but I would definitely go back and change it. I would have come out of the closet much earlier. I would have taken art classes and writing classes, and worked so much harder at the sports I played. I don't think I would have made the decision to come live with my mom. I would have been better off as gay/bi, and for education in general, at my old school. I would have done so much more...
That being said, my life is how it is. I cannot change it... I wish I could but I can't. And in that endeavor, I am attending Shippensburg university for a degree in biology next fall, and am eventually transferring to PSU like so many of my family members before me (my brother, currently) . Biology is One of my many loves in my life. And despite how my life played out... I think I'm going to be ok :).
On the topic of graduation...
I promised to my mother that I'd reveal my big secret to her at graduation. This can go many ways, but I fear the worst is the most likely. She is very... Very much a bigot. I don't think I'll be seeing her much after that day. I'll most likely have to find my own place. But I know I'll have you guys for support. I can find relations in the stories of Kyell gold, and Rukis. I can confide in my friends... You guys really have no idea how much this community means to me. I could cry; I've been reading these stories and meeting you people since I was just a young teen. A pup if you will. You have shaped me and my stature so much. Again, whether it be Cruelty or Unconditional by Rukis, or a book I am very late to read this February, Waterways by Kyell gold (and many others). Just.... Words cannot express. Thank you so much. They'll never see this journal, but I know my friends will. I have you all to thank as well.
In closing, and be aware, there are tears in my eyes for whatever reason, this is my child hood book wrapping up, to later be reviewed upon. I know not much changes once I'm 18, but that day rapidly approaches. As of February 26th, I'm a legal adult. It's been a wonderful journey, guys and gals. Thanks for making it interesting so far !
Love,
AJ, Drew, etc <3
A year in recap: this year has certainly been... Eye opening for me. Many new experiences, and many mirror images of the old. Much to my excitement, I was accepted into college at the beginning of the school year. I was in my first relationship with another of my gender. I'd finally got hired, instead of doing farm work, and still work as a pizza man to this day. I even tried playing a varsity sport that I never had before.
BUT this year has not come without its difficulties. The first hardship, for me, came when my last football season ever came to a close. I ended up in a slump for a while, and it shall be a gap that'll be hard to fill. Who knows, maybe I'll play in college. The hardships continued after my mom had moved out of her ex husbands house... And soon after kicked me out. I lived on my own for well over a month. My father, who i already never saw, chimed in in time to tell me he was moving several states over. I learned a lot in that time, mostly that I can handle living by myself. When I moved back, my mom gave my only companion away without my knowing. My dog Mac. It was a rough time for me. I rebounded soon there after, losing myself in work, sports, school, and every book I could read. My sisters cancer complications were only an additive to my already overly active mind. Unfortunately, in response to the above, I sort of... Burned out. I over worked myself, and I fear I still may be recovering from that.
Recap end
With the coming of this may, I will be permanently gone from high school, graduated and on my way to the "real world." I, of course, have insanely mixed feelings about this. I missed a lot growing up... I moved so much that I never got to have life long friends, or experience what so many others had... I never had experimental loves. A big part of my sadness is that I never really got to explore my young romantic side, be that with man or woman... I guess I'm saying I regret never having come out.. On the other hand, I am saddened because I experienced so much! I made friends, ones closer to myself than I ever knew possible. I learned things about myself, and developed skills. I blossomed in my community, and online. Going from a shy, young teenager, to the man I am today was not a slick process. I was awkward, and shy... Confused, if you will. It's just sad for me to see such a significant stage in my life so abruptly pass, with no avail to my pleas to slow it.
I hate to say it, but I would definitely go back and change it. I would have come out of the closet much earlier. I would have taken art classes and writing classes, and worked so much harder at the sports I played. I don't think I would have made the decision to come live with my mom. I would have been better off as gay/bi, and for education in general, at my old school. I would have done so much more...
That being said, my life is how it is. I cannot change it... I wish I could but I can't. And in that endeavor, I am attending Shippensburg university for a degree in biology next fall, and am eventually transferring to PSU like so many of my family members before me (my brother, currently) . Biology is One of my many loves in my life. And despite how my life played out... I think I'm going to be ok :).
On the topic of graduation...
I promised to my mother that I'd reveal my big secret to her at graduation. This can go many ways, but I fear the worst is the most likely. She is very... Very much a bigot. I don't think I'll be seeing her much after that day. I'll most likely have to find my own place. But I know I'll have you guys for support. I can find relations in the stories of Kyell gold, and Rukis. I can confide in my friends... You guys really have no idea how much this community means to me. I could cry; I've been reading these stories and meeting you people since I was just a young teen. A pup if you will. You have shaped me and my stature so much. Again, whether it be Cruelty or Unconditional by Rukis, or a book I am very late to read this February, Waterways by Kyell gold (and many others). Just.... Words cannot express. Thank you so much. They'll never see this journal, but I know my friends will. I have you all to thank as well.
In closing, and be aware, there are tears in my eyes for whatever reason, this is my child hood book wrapping up, to later be reviewed upon. I know not much changes once I'm 18, but that day rapidly approaches. As of February 26th, I'm a legal adult. It's been a wonderful journey, guys and gals. Thanks for making it interesting so far !
Love,
AJ, Drew, etc <3
But I'm glad to hear that you're staying strong, AJ, and I'll be a better friend to you in the coming year than I have before, I promise that :)
I hope that graduation goes well, and that it's more a joyous, happy occasion than what you fear it will be, but if it doesn't go very well, don't let anyone spoil it, you've made it this far and you you'll do well after graduation too, I'm certain of that :)
But despite all that take comfort in the fact that you did manage to go through all that. You are stronger than you may think, having mastered all those rough waters ahead of you so far. Don't fret over the past, it may have shaped you into the man you currently are but you got a bright future ahead of you. Where life closes one door it will open another, I'm sure you will enjoy college much more with those newfound freedoms ... and responsibilities of course.
Best of luck to you AJ but I don't think that you will need that :)