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Living without a father ( about me )
12 years ago
I want to write about the losing of a father from a young age and what it can do to the mentality of someone.
I've known many people who've had no parents at all however. Some with no dads their whole lives; I do understand.
I lost my father, 2nd of July, 2005. When the experience first hit me, that day you walk out of school and you've been messing with the teachers as kids do, it didn't hit me emotionally until I saw he was dead.
Some people say, when I saw my own father dead in that hospital that day. It changed me. My uncle and family said about it.
It's only recently have I been tapping back into the innocence and security I felt as a child. That feeling, it's amazing. That feeling of safety, something I think people should try and appreciate their entire lives for still feeling. It's much better with than without, really. Trust me.
The experience, after seeing him dead, left me completely in tears. I let it out. The years was one atleast where... everything seemed to fall around me; I suppose only in recent years have I got used to the shock. My mother also lost several people all at once in several months.
Otherwise, I will bring up the joy atleast as a child or what you normally do all feel. That feeling, you could sit in a truck whilst your parents are moving things from my dad's bungalow and you just have this feeling, where birds are singing. You can feel the air. There is just this safety.
When I lost that dad, my world seemed to slowly fall apart. 13 I were too young to understand anything of how I felt, but, it attaches to you, a sense of fear. That was the most powerful thing.
A sense of fear, because you know deep down, you can never be taught anything about life. No one is there to guide you out in the world; the other most tragic thing is I just happened to seem like the runt of the litter, having been traumatically abused by my older brother to steal or get my ass kicked for 5 straight years and not be able to tell anyone how I was going out at 5 in the morning, having stayed up for 3 to 4 fucking hours and then having to walk up a massive hill to school afterwards.
It does happen in life. I won't fret. I understand the drill. Simply, it's something I'd like people to understand. When you lose a dad, the experience, it takes away that feeling. Of safety. Of security. You can't learn nothing and well, that's what it did for me. I lost my ability to feel because I thought at the end of the day, this world became a place where my mother as I got older, broke my trust and alot of my older father figures also fell apart too.
Alot of people wonder, how I appeared so nervous and scared as a youth. That's basically it. The father is meant to be the one who protects the child. Gives him this safety. Perhaps I was a bit better off than someone with no parents though. I can't imagine all the alienation from that, but I do know something.
Without a mom and dad, you're finished emotionally. You have to guard and protect yourself and the experience can leave someone shaken. Then you mature yes, but when you mature, you mature in a way where you have to carry yourself so hard, you kinda forget what it's like to ever feel that innocence.
Atleast, I know people have had it alot worst than me; of course, there is people right now who are having it alot worse than everyone in the third world countries. A constant reminder I also had growing up. Of how grateful I should be; it also gave me my humanitarian streak.
Otherwise, it was around this time, I grew up shaken, nervous and scared. A lack of will to want to believe and feel people's feelings. I didn't want to be around people unless my feelings felt it was right. I became someone who had to become his own father figure, because I just couldn't think anyone else would look after me.
My mother was someone who when I was suicidal, would tell me to go back to sleep; I didn't want to. I was running off to the doctor's for substitute of a ambulance and well, what to say other than it was me who somehow had to grow up through adolescene and reexperience my traumatized past, alone. Meditating the whole thing off as I remember those experiences; again I do realize it's been worst for other people, yes.
The idea is, I can't fully push out the experiences too. I've realized people have experiences that affect them and in a way, will become their story and it's why I think it's very important even in this day and age to listen to people, because we live in a world where we do lose things; inside each of us, we're very sensitive who have to hold the whole fucking world of that on our shoulders.
I think it's important to become sensitive atleast and listen to that.
Otherwise, growing up alone without a dad, is infact a trauma. it's a unknown experience where you forget what family feels like. Atleast, again alot of my ability to feel, broke down. I didn't feel empathy no more. I didn't feel anything.
I think it's important to say atleast, we're all messed up deep down from a song I once heard: The hardest people to love need it most. I find when you listen to people, inside emotionally behind that superficial easygoing exterior, they all have a very sad story and it's still why I thnk we should listen, but enough on that.
I think the experience changed me is all, I think alot of experiences change us and have changed us. It gives atleast, a idea to people how life is and also, a understanding of me which I think is important. There is growing past the experience yes still, but there is still where it can still deeply wound us all.
Peace~
Ps: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qRG7t6db9LY A song that sorta would identify someone with how that feels.
I've known many people who've had no parents at all however. Some with no dads their whole lives; I do understand.
I lost my father, 2nd of July, 2005. When the experience first hit me, that day you walk out of school and you've been messing with the teachers as kids do, it didn't hit me emotionally until I saw he was dead.
Some people say, when I saw my own father dead in that hospital that day. It changed me. My uncle and family said about it.
It's only recently have I been tapping back into the innocence and security I felt as a child. That feeling, it's amazing. That feeling of safety, something I think people should try and appreciate their entire lives for still feeling. It's much better with than without, really. Trust me.
The experience, after seeing him dead, left me completely in tears. I let it out. The years was one atleast where... everything seemed to fall around me; I suppose only in recent years have I got used to the shock. My mother also lost several people all at once in several months.
Otherwise, I will bring up the joy atleast as a child or what you normally do all feel. That feeling, you could sit in a truck whilst your parents are moving things from my dad's bungalow and you just have this feeling, where birds are singing. You can feel the air. There is just this safety.
When I lost that dad, my world seemed to slowly fall apart. 13 I were too young to understand anything of how I felt, but, it attaches to you, a sense of fear. That was the most powerful thing.
A sense of fear, because you know deep down, you can never be taught anything about life. No one is there to guide you out in the world; the other most tragic thing is I just happened to seem like the runt of the litter, having been traumatically abused by my older brother to steal or get my ass kicked for 5 straight years and not be able to tell anyone how I was going out at 5 in the morning, having stayed up for 3 to 4 fucking hours and then having to walk up a massive hill to school afterwards.
It does happen in life. I won't fret. I understand the drill. Simply, it's something I'd like people to understand. When you lose a dad, the experience, it takes away that feeling. Of safety. Of security. You can't learn nothing and well, that's what it did for me. I lost my ability to feel because I thought at the end of the day, this world became a place where my mother as I got older, broke my trust and alot of my older father figures also fell apart too.
Alot of people wonder, how I appeared so nervous and scared as a youth. That's basically it. The father is meant to be the one who protects the child. Gives him this safety. Perhaps I was a bit better off than someone with no parents though. I can't imagine all the alienation from that, but I do know something.
Without a mom and dad, you're finished emotionally. You have to guard and protect yourself and the experience can leave someone shaken. Then you mature yes, but when you mature, you mature in a way where you have to carry yourself so hard, you kinda forget what it's like to ever feel that innocence.
Atleast, I know people have had it alot worst than me; of course, there is people right now who are having it alot worse than everyone in the third world countries. A constant reminder I also had growing up. Of how grateful I should be; it also gave me my humanitarian streak.
Otherwise, it was around this time, I grew up shaken, nervous and scared. A lack of will to want to believe and feel people's feelings. I didn't want to be around people unless my feelings felt it was right. I became someone who had to become his own father figure, because I just couldn't think anyone else would look after me.
My mother was someone who when I was suicidal, would tell me to go back to sleep; I didn't want to. I was running off to the doctor's for substitute of a ambulance and well, what to say other than it was me who somehow had to grow up through adolescene and reexperience my traumatized past, alone. Meditating the whole thing off as I remember those experiences; again I do realize it's been worst for other people, yes.
The idea is, I can't fully push out the experiences too. I've realized people have experiences that affect them and in a way, will become their story and it's why I think it's very important even in this day and age to listen to people, because we live in a world where we do lose things; inside each of us, we're very sensitive who have to hold the whole fucking world of that on our shoulders.
I think it's important to become sensitive atleast and listen to that.
Otherwise, growing up alone without a dad, is infact a trauma. it's a unknown experience where you forget what family feels like. Atleast, again alot of my ability to feel, broke down. I didn't feel empathy no more. I didn't feel anything.
I think it's important to say atleast, we're all messed up deep down from a song I once heard: The hardest people to love need it most. I find when you listen to people, inside emotionally behind that superficial easygoing exterior, they all have a very sad story and it's still why I thnk we should listen, but enough on that.
I think the experience changed me is all, I think alot of experiences change us and have changed us. It gives atleast, a idea to people how life is and also, a understanding of me which I think is important. There is growing past the experience yes still, but there is still where it can still deeply wound us all.
Peace~
Ps: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qRG7t6db9LY A song that sorta would identify someone with how that feels.
