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How I got in touch with my intuition: The original story
12 years ago
When I was a small boy, 4 years old I was to watch the violent, dramatic and tragic divorce of my parents. To this day, I can only say, I think somehow it must've mentally affected me for life seeing such a event.
The screams so to speak, the shouting in the doorway, as I had seamingly slept and just laid to lay witness to the screams of my mother as her hair was pulled. My father was he'd walk in, tuck me under arm and run me out of the door.
The events that night sleeping at my grandmother's bungalow, had a odd, breaking on my consciousness. A strange, corruption. A dark feeling.
As a child, I grew up very mentally disturbed. I appeared distrustworthy to the extremes of calling my father abusive when it wasn't ever apparent. I felt so lost in my own head of darkness.
I had seen several psychologists about this growing up, but the way I went around it seemed almost determined to fall apart. A insupportive mother told me to go to sleep when I was suicidal and lost in my darkness from scars of dealing with abuse that I had blocked out when I was 8 via 12 years old.
I felt I wanted to get rid originally of all the original symptoms. I had a extremely violent temper, I felt so sad and lonely, I felt I could not make friends with this disfigured mind.
The way I did it, was meditating. I felt so traumatized, as I rewitnessed the events of my childhood, how I was locked in a goose pen for a prank ( forgave him ) and alot more. Seeing this, giving myself therapy, I wanted to make friends but also, get rid of my violent anti social temperament that caused me to strangle several siblings and almost kill my younger brother. I wanted out, I just wanted to get rid of everything.
I don't believe in fate and luck. All I believe is since I was young, I was forced to deal with myself and almost on a deadline. If I wasn't fast enough, something drastic was always to happen with a mother who completely denied all emotional involvement with me, seamingly because she at 50 at completely given up at the role of a 'mother' and thus, told me: 'She was too old to deal with having had 8 children and thus, this was her time now' I had to face a youth of trauma and abuse and constant blame as he controlled me obsessively to behave, blamed me for every reaction and was extremely strict.
I never lived up to what she expected. I could never get mad, she threatened to call the police and even went as far as shoving me against the wall in some act of judo apparently. Such a horrendous thing. I was lost and alone and had no job. My school had been removed from me because I was apparently diagnosed with 'Aspergers syndrome' which from 13 year old, being suicidal and suffering from depression I wasn't even aware of, trying to withdraw myself, commit to lessons. School just seemed to fall apart.
Eventually, with a lost father and a emotionally unavaliable mother who threatened to call the cops whenever I got depressed or down or threatened to just send me to the doctor, never looked at me emotionally or cared at all of how I felt unless it met her standards, I was lost.
All I had to do was continue to try to control myself, push all sense of sensitivity out of myself. I couldn't get mad. I couldn't react. I was trapped. I felt for many years I was in a prison, my youth, school, losing everything started to really affect me as I got older.
I needed to believe in myself. Save myself. I was so scared. Eventually all I grew up to be is this 'guru' like person who people considered highly intelligent and detached but, it wasn't the case.
After a while otherwise, after around 6 or 7 years, my intuition had developed amazingly from this at first, self therapy just to live at my house and stand being with her being so emotionally unavaliable and expecting me to just take everything alone. Eventually, I realized my brain was never going to be stable after pressing so much love, so much affection. The idea of friendship never struck me so much as to trust intuitively and feel again.
At my core, all I ever wanted to do is love and feel like anyone else.
The screams so to speak, the shouting in the doorway, as I had seamingly slept and just laid to lay witness to the screams of my mother as her hair was pulled. My father was he'd walk in, tuck me under arm and run me out of the door.
The events that night sleeping at my grandmother's bungalow, had a odd, breaking on my consciousness. A strange, corruption. A dark feeling.
As a child, I grew up very mentally disturbed. I appeared distrustworthy to the extremes of calling my father abusive when it wasn't ever apparent. I felt so lost in my own head of darkness.
I had seen several psychologists about this growing up, but the way I went around it seemed almost determined to fall apart. A insupportive mother told me to go to sleep when I was suicidal and lost in my darkness from scars of dealing with abuse that I had blocked out when I was 8 via 12 years old.
I felt I wanted to get rid originally of all the original symptoms. I had a extremely violent temper, I felt so sad and lonely, I felt I could not make friends with this disfigured mind.
The way I did it, was meditating. I felt so traumatized, as I rewitnessed the events of my childhood, how I was locked in a goose pen for a prank ( forgave him ) and alot more. Seeing this, giving myself therapy, I wanted to make friends but also, get rid of my violent anti social temperament that caused me to strangle several siblings and almost kill my younger brother. I wanted out, I just wanted to get rid of everything.
I don't believe in fate and luck. All I believe is since I was young, I was forced to deal with myself and almost on a deadline. If I wasn't fast enough, something drastic was always to happen with a mother who completely denied all emotional involvement with me, seamingly because she at 50 at completely given up at the role of a 'mother' and thus, told me: 'She was too old to deal with having had 8 children and thus, this was her time now' I had to face a youth of trauma and abuse and constant blame as he controlled me obsessively to behave, blamed me for every reaction and was extremely strict.
I never lived up to what she expected. I could never get mad, she threatened to call the police and even went as far as shoving me against the wall in some act of judo apparently. Such a horrendous thing. I was lost and alone and had no job. My school had been removed from me because I was apparently diagnosed with 'Aspergers syndrome' which from 13 year old, being suicidal and suffering from depression I wasn't even aware of, trying to withdraw myself, commit to lessons. School just seemed to fall apart.
Eventually, with a lost father and a emotionally unavaliable mother who threatened to call the cops whenever I got depressed or down or threatened to just send me to the doctor, never looked at me emotionally or cared at all of how I felt unless it met her standards, I was lost.
All I had to do was continue to try to control myself, push all sense of sensitivity out of myself. I couldn't get mad. I couldn't react. I was trapped. I felt for many years I was in a prison, my youth, school, losing everything started to really affect me as I got older.
I needed to believe in myself. Save myself. I was so scared. Eventually all I grew up to be is this 'guru' like person who people considered highly intelligent and detached but, it wasn't the case.
After a while otherwise, after around 6 or 7 years, my intuition had developed amazingly from this at first, self therapy just to live at my house and stand being with her being so emotionally unavaliable and expecting me to just take everything alone. Eventually, I realized my brain was never going to be stable after pressing so much love, so much affection. The idea of friendship never struck me so much as to trust intuitively and feel again.
At my core, all I ever wanted to do is love and feel like anyone else.
