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Update~
11 years ago
*I WAS LIVESTREAMING BUT FORGET TO POST THE LINK HERE, WHATEVER. HERE HAVE A RANT. IT'S BEEN A FUCKING WHILE SINCE I RANTED ON HERE.*
So, yeah. I've come to the conclusion, that I am DONE doing livestream drawing sessions.
You wonder why? I'll tell you why. It's because I'm so damn tired, of wanting to share the process with you guys, and no one ever comes by to watch. Ever.
And those of you that do. YOU NEVER STAY THROUGHOUT THE FUCKING THING.
It makes me question my skills even more. Hah.. What skills. I can't draw. I can't do ANYTHING, right? Hmm?
So. I get it. You don't have time for my streams. Fine. No one apparently ever has. So that's just it. No more livestream drawing sessions. Boo-hoo for you.
Y'all gon' be lucky if I make a damn speedpaint even after this. Hm.
I know I haven't been drawing much lately. But that's because I have no time for it, and I feel like I've lost my passion with it.
Like, whatever I try to draw, it is never good enough and it is never gonna be good enough.
I'll never be as good as any other artists.. May it be Serphire, may it be Kaylink, may it be SoldierYena, may it be NinjaKato, may it be ANY OF THE GREAT AND TALENTED ARTISTS ON HERE.
I'm not as good as them and I never will be, and I just feel like quitting at this shit because I've spent almost 20 fucking years on being a FAILURE at this.
I DON'T HAVE TALENT. I DON'T.
I DON'T HAVE SKILLS.
I AM NOT CREATIVE.
I'M A FAILURE, AND A LOSER, AND A WHINER. I'M NOTHING AND I WILL NEVER BE ANYTHING ELSE BUT NOTHING.
THAT'S HOW IT IS, AND HOW IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN AND WILL ALWAYS BE.
I HATE MY LIFE, AND MYSELF AND I GENUINLY JUST WANNA DIE AND LEAVE ALL THIS SHIT BEHIND, BUT I CAN'T. 'CAUSE I'M A COWARD.
SURE I CAN CUT MYSELF AND STUFF, BUT NEVER AN ARTERY, AND I DON'T HAVE A GUN SO I CAN BLOW MY FUCKING BRAINS OUT.
AND I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH PILLS TO OVERDOSE.
AND I DON'T LIVE ON A FLOOR, HIGH ENOUGH, FOR ME TO DIE IF I DECIDED TO TAKE A DIVE OUT THROUGH THE WINDOW.
I DON'T DARE JUMP OUT IN FRONT OF A TRAIN OR A TOW TRUCK BECAUSE I'M A FUCKING COWARD.
I HAVE NOTHING TO LIVE FOR.
NOTHING.
I may have tricked myself into believing that my friends don't care about me. Well, they sure as hell don't notice how bad I feel.
The worst of it all? Is that I'll never get better.
It's something inside my mind. It's my sickness that does it.
I don't want to go outside, and meet new people, or try to make new friends.
I am terrified of socializing with others. So I keep to myself. I lock myself inside my room, and refuse to open the door.
I 'bite' and hiss at anyone that tries to talk to me, and I always just tell them to "Leave me alone." because "I'm fine, and I don't wanna talk." when in reality I'm not fine.
My friends live to far away for me to go to them and say "HEY! DUDE, HELP. I NEED TO TALK WITH YOU, PLEASE, DO YOU HAVE A MINUTE?"
and I can't call them.
They don't reply to my messages.
This year.. I'm gonna be alone.
I don't look forward to next week. I wished I could just skip the upcoming monday, because it's a shit day.
I'm gonna be alone, with little or no gifts. No family, and no friends to keep me company. I'm just gonna sit... Sit and cry. And then later, I'll hide my feelings away.
I won't eat anything that day, or drink anything for that sake, I'll just struggle with deciding what I wanna use my 'gift' for.
I know what I'm gonna get from the staff of this house.
A silly amount of 150 dkr for something. I might waste 'em on a movie in Fona, or on a silly, wack, useless game from GameStop. idk.
It's not like I deserve it.
My birthday is a stupid day, so lets all just forget it.
Right? Forget all about me on 3rd March.
It's not like anyone's gonna care about me anyway.
No one ever does.
Maybe it's better that way. If I don't get company, and don't have a great time, I won't be sad the day after.
All the times I had friends over for my birthday. I ended up being sad, depressed and suicidal as they left. Because I always feel like they're never gonna come back to me afterwards.
it's like.. It's the last time I see them and I just.. Die a little bit inside. Every. Damn. Time.
I know they all have a life, and I know they all have friends or boyfriends/girlfriends that they spent it with, and that they are supposingly happy, they aren't stressed, or depressed.
And they have tons of people that care about them.
And then there's me.. I'm alone.
I've always been alone.
I should've died 1st January 2014.
I shouldn't have survived.
I didn't deserve to survive.
Why didn't I die...
Why did I have to live..
Why.
I'm so useless.
And I'm just.. Done.
Maybe I should quit drawing for good, and quit playing minecraft.. Quit watching my favourite shows and just.. Quit everything.
And I am probably gonna re-read this until my eyes are red and I can't see anything in front of me.
Yeah.
Maybe I should do that.
So, yeah. I've come to the conclusion, that I am DONE doing livestream drawing sessions.
You wonder why? I'll tell you why. It's because I'm so damn tired, of wanting to share the process with you guys, and no one ever comes by to watch. Ever.
And those of you that do. YOU NEVER STAY THROUGHOUT THE FUCKING THING.
It makes me question my skills even more. Hah.. What skills. I can't draw. I can't do ANYTHING, right? Hmm?
So. I get it. You don't have time for my streams. Fine. No one apparently ever has. So that's just it. No more livestream drawing sessions. Boo-hoo for you.
Y'all gon' be lucky if I make a damn speedpaint even after this. Hm.
I know I haven't been drawing much lately. But that's because I have no time for it, and I feel like I've lost my passion with it.
Like, whatever I try to draw, it is never good enough and it is never gonna be good enough.
I'll never be as good as any other artists.. May it be Serphire, may it be Kaylink, may it be SoldierYena, may it be NinjaKato, may it be ANY OF THE GREAT AND TALENTED ARTISTS ON HERE.
I'm not as good as them and I never will be, and I just feel like quitting at this shit because I've spent almost 20 fucking years on being a FAILURE at this.
I DON'T HAVE TALENT. I DON'T.
I DON'T HAVE SKILLS.
I AM NOT CREATIVE.
I'M A FAILURE, AND A LOSER, AND A WHINER. I'M NOTHING AND I WILL NEVER BE ANYTHING ELSE BUT NOTHING.
THAT'S HOW IT IS, AND HOW IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN AND WILL ALWAYS BE.
I HATE MY LIFE, AND MYSELF AND I GENUINLY JUST WANNA DIE AND LEAVE ALL THIS SHIT BEHIND, BUT I CAN'T. 'CAUSE I'M A COWARD.
SURE I CAN CUT MYSELF AND STUFF, BUT NEVER AN ARTERY, AND I DON'T HAVE A GUN SO I CAN BLOW MY FUCKING BRAINS OUT.
AND I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH PILLS TO OVERDOSE.
AND I DON'T LIVE ON A FLOOR, HIGH ENOUGH, FOR ME TO DIE IF I DECIDED TO TAKE A DIVE OUT THROUGH THE WINDOW.
I DON'T DARE JUMP OUT IN FRONT OF A TRAIN OR A TOW TRUCK BECAUSE I'M A FUCKING COWARD.
I HAVE NOTHING TO LIVE FOR.
NOTHING.
I may have tricked myself into believing that my friends don't care about me. Well, they sure as hell don't notice how bad I feel.
The worst of it all? Is that I'll never get better.
It's something inside my mind. It's my sickness that does it.
I don't want to go outside, and meet new people, or try to make new friends.
I am terrified of socializing with others. So I keep to myself. I lock myself inside my room, and refuse to open the door.
I 'bite' and hiss at anyone that tries to talk to me, and I always just tell them to "Leave me alone." because "I'm fine, and I don't wanna talk." when in reality I'm not fine.
My friends live to far away for me to go to them and say "HEY! DUDE, HELP. I NEED TO TALK WITH YOU, PLEASE, DO YOU HAVE A MINUTE?"
and I can't call them.
They don't reply to my messages.
This year.. I'm gonna be alone.
I don't look forward to next week. I wished I could just skip the upcoming monday, because it's a shit day.
I'm gonna be alone, with little or no gifts. No family, and no friends to keep me company. I'm just gonna sit... Sit and cry. And then later, I'll hide my feelings away.
I won't eat anything that day, or drink anything for that sake, I'll just struggle with deciding what I wanna use my 'gift' for.
I know what I'm gonna get from the staff of this house.
A silly amount of 150 dkr for something. I might waste 'em on a movie in Fona, or on a silly, wack, useless game from GameStop. idk.
It's not like I deserve it.
My birthday is a stupid day, so lets all just forget it.
Right? Forget all about me on 3rd March.
It's not like anyone's gonna care about me anyway.
No one ever does.
Maybe it's better that way. If I don't get company, and don't have a great time, I won't be sad the day after.
All the times I had friends over for my birthday. I ended up being sad, depressed and suicidal as they left. Because I always feel like they're never gonna come back to me afterwards.
it's like.. It's the last time I see them and I just.. Die a little bit inside. Every. Damn. Time.
I know they all have a life, and I know they all have friends or boyfriends/girlfriends that they spent it with, and that they are supposingly happy, they aren't stressed, or depressed.
And they have tons of people that care about them.
And then there's me.. I'm alone.
I've always been alone.
I should've died 1st January 2014.
I shouldn't have survived.
I didn't deserve to survive.
Why didn't I die...
Why did I have to live..
Why.
I'm so useless.
And I'm just.. Done.
Maybe I should quit drawing for good, and quit playing minecraft.. Quit watching my favourite shows and just.. Quit everything.
And I am probably gonna re-read this until my eyes are red and I can't see anything in front of me.
Yeah.
Maybe I should do that.
gerardbutler
~gerardbutler
I come when I can but I am either at work for most of them or have to go to bed soon and can't stay. Except last time I was playing TL2 with Kitcat. I love watching streams, though x3 and I love you so. -snuggles- honey just... Breathe. Remember that these things may not look the same on the outside. Step outside of yourself and just remember those who stay with you. You are a great artist and deserve better than what you give yourself.
