my cheeks are stained with my failures. I knew, I just knew. But I had a childish hope. My hopes been crushed so many times, but still I had hope. It pains me because I get nothing but disappointment in the end. I'm a failure at whatever I do. I cannot help it. It's the way I was designed. I knew it, I knew it, but I chose to ignore it. I'm a silly little girl, whose hopes get crushed all the time. & I don't know how to deal with it, but cry. I hold it all day, till I am all alone. Because that's how it's always been. I thought I could change, I thought I could be dependent on others, but I guess I was too dependent, I drove them away. I guess I'll always be alone in the end. I never wanted to be, but I guess I have to accept it, let everything and everyone go, because they're not here for long. I'm just a failure, a silly little girl with big hopes that get crushed. they said they would be there for me, they said they would defend me, but they stopped. They stop towards the end, they couldn't take it anymore. I feel them pity me, I feel like they're ready to leave, I cause too much trouble, I can't do anything right. it's the sad truth, and I've learned to accept it. I've learned to accept that I'm probably never going to end up with anyone to share my life with. I'm such a downer, I'm such a pessimistic, but that's who I am, when I'm in the mind state. I try to be happy, but my happiness has left me. I'll probably never get it back for long, it will just leave again, and again and again and again. Like it always has. I try to stay strong, but I'm falling apart. I know people care about me, but it doesn't really seem that way to me. I know I'm just being a big baby, I'm complaining about things. I know that, I really do. I know that I'm a crybaby, I overreact to things, I'm such a worry wart, & I can't relax. but it keeps me alive, lets me know that I'm living, because life has its ups and downs. I'm just mostly down, I don't know why, please don't blame me for that, its just the way I am. I get so depressed, and I'm wondering what I'm doing with my life, I just don't know what to do. I'm just so stressed, I take it out on other people, and that's why I feel like I fail the most with being with others, because it's like I'm pushing others away, but I really want them close. I just don't know how to deal with my emotions, I don't know how to express my feelings to other people, I only know how to write them down. and maybe never express them to anyone, but I have to learn, I have to learn somehow, I just I don't want to be alone anymore, I want someone there to back me up, I want to really feel like they're backing me up not just because it's out of pity. I want to be loved for who I am, I want to be loved for my mistakes, I want to be loved for my good times and bad, why doesn't anyone do that for long? I tearing myself apart, because I think I'm the only one who understands myself. I feel like everyone is judging me, & I don't want to feel like I'm being judged so harshly, so I don't want to express myself when I feel so vulnerable. maybe the reason why I meant to be alone, is because nobody understands, nobody really understands. I don't know how to deal with that, I want to be loved, but who's going to love me when I'm just so utterly crazy? who's going to love someone who has so many problems like I do, who's going to stay till the end? Maybe nobody understands because I don't express myself clearly. I tried explaining myself, I really tried to, but they keep on challenging me, they keep on saying words that confused me, that made me doubt myself of what I'm really feeling, I get so confused, I don't know what to do, I just I don't know anymore. how can i express myself? I tried giving love, isn't that how you supposed to receive love? to get love you have to give love, right? so why is it that working?! I'm giving so much of my love, I'm giving so much of myself, shouldn't I receive love back, unconditionally, just like how I'm giving love unconditionally? so I guess that's not how it works, I guess that's and I know I don't understand other people, I know I don't understand the reasons, but I just don't know what to do, I tried talking I really do, but I guess that's not how it works, I guess that's not how it works for crazy people, for people who have no control over their emotions, and say things that are so stupid that they don't even know why they said it in the first place. I'm so stupid, I'm so stupid because I want love, I want it unconditionally, I'm getting love unconditionally I'm trying so hard, but it seems like nobody cares. and I know people do care, but it just seems like nobody. At the end it seems like nobody really cares, they care at the begining, and then they just lose it, they lose it, don't care anymore. at the end, it just seems like nobody really care, it just seems that way, I don't know what to do, I'm losing myself, and I'm afraid I'm going to lose everything I love.


and in the end, I don't really understand myself, I don't understand how people feel, and I'm just going on and on about my feelings, I don't understand what the other people are going through, I don't know what's going to happen, I just feel so alone, and I wish I didn't feel like that anymore, and I know I don't understand, I don't understand a lot of things, and I'm sorry, I'm sorry, if this came out as offensive. I never meant to offend anyone, I'm just ranting about my problems right now, just how I'm feeling at the moment, but I hope, I hope I'll be back up on the "horse" and happy again soon...