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Huegh [Warning Bitchfest]
11 years ago
Since I'm basically hiding here and no one know's who I am, I feel I can put this without making myself upset.
First off I have a huge problem with sharing my feelings, I hate to complain about things because I feel guilty. here are other's who have it way worse than me so why should I complain. I don't like to comment on things people say because I'm afraid I'll offend them or detract from their point. Basically I go out of my way to accommodate others at my own expense. I can't take a compliment either, I'm working on that, but I feel it's only so I don't offend the person offering the compliment.
Honestly, I've been depressed for a while now, that's why I haven't been posting. I haven't told anyone, I can't share things like that. It takes me forever to warmup to a person, Every time someone's interested in me I break their heart because I'm too slow. It really hurts because what they don't realize is my heart is broken too, maybe more because I don't get over it and I made them upset which is a huge issue for me.
I don't know what's going on with my body and mind, I don't know what I should call myself. I've always said I was straight but I've never really been attracted to people like that. I do have sexual attraction but not based off of gender or even sex! I don't even feel like a male or a man, I don't feel female either. What is there? I can't tell people that because I'm too white and cis looking, peopled just say I was doing it for attention. I ca't be trans, because I prefer male pronouns right? What is that?! I get more negative attention towards nonbinary sexuality and genders than anything else. People I know who are perfectly fine with homosexuality are very down on trans or bi people. My friend told me that there is no such thing as bisexual, I couldn't say anything to him with out outing myself so I just frowned! I've never even had sex I've not been interested enough to actually try. I do want to, but with who? I won't unless I really love someone but everyone moves too fast for me! I feel trapped and there's no where to go, I can't tell my parents...
I'm on the verge of tears, I feel like I've been holding all this in too long. I still so no end in sight though. I can't draw, I can't sew, dance or do any of the things that used to make me happy. I had a lot of fun this weekend but then today I slipped back down, is this just how it's going to be? I'm not likely to respond to anyone if they comment on this, I don't want anyone to find out enough about me to maybe know who I am. I just needed to vent and this is the only place where I'm separate from the rest of the world...
In short: Woe is me, BAHHH
First off I have a huge problem with sharing my feelings, I hate to complain about things because I feel guilty. here are other's who have it way worse than me so why should I complain. I don't like to comment on things people say because I'm afraid I'll offend them or detract from their point. Basically I go out of my way to accommodate others at my own expense. I can't take a compliment either, I'm working on that, but I feel it's only so I don't offend the person offering the compliment.
Honestly, I've been depressed for a while now, that's why I haven't been posting. I haven't told anyone, I can't share things like that. It takes me forever to warmup to a person, Every time someone's interested in me I break their heart because I'm too slow. It really hurts because what they don't realize is my heart is broken too, maybe more because I don't get over it and I made them upset which is a huge issue for me.
I don't know what's going on with my body and mind, I don't know what I should call myself. I've always said I was straight but I've never really been attracted to people like that. I do have sexual attraction but not based off of gender or even sex! I don't even feel like a male or a man, I don't feel female either. What is there? I can't tell people that because I'm too white and cis looking, peopled just say I was doing it for attention. I ca't be trans, because I prefer male pronouns right? What is that?! I get more negative attention towards nonbinary sexuality and genders than anything else. People I know who are perfectly fine with homosexuality are very down on trans or bi people. My friend told me that there is no such thing as bisexual, I couldn't say anything to him with out outing myself so I just frowned! I've never even had sex I've not been interested enough to actually try. I do want to, but with who? I won't unless I really love someone but everyone moves too fast for me! I feel trapped and there's no where to go, I can't tell my parents...
I'm on the verge of tears, I feel like I've been holding all this in too long. I still so no end in sight though. I can't draw, I can't sew, dance or do any of the things that used to make me happy. I had a lot of fun this weekend but then today I slipped back down, is this just how it's going to be? I'm not likely to respond to anyone if they comment on this, I don't want anyone to find out enough about me to maybe know who I am. I just needed to vent and this is the only place where I'm separate from the rest of the world...
In short: Woe is me, BAHHH
Gender: yes
Sexuality: who cares?
It's hard, but I eventually got to the point where it doesn't matter. I don't tell people because do they really need to know? Only a handful of people online know who I really am, and none of them have met me in person. Even to them, I'm just... Socks.