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Sitting in a cafe...
11 years ago
Sitting in a cafe, working on my laptop, when the hair starts to raise on the back of my neck. My ears perk up and I look around. What is giving me this chill?
Then I see, at a table next to me, two men. Neither of them have their feet planted on the ground, but one of them is fidgeting. The other is looking at him intently, using words like "fuck" and "what's wrong with you". And suddenly, it hits me, that one man has pulled the other away from his community, to a lonely table out by Duboce Park, where he expects no one to be able to hear him demean and place the other down.
So what do I do? I look at them. I make them aware that someone can see what is going on. And you can see the abusive man stare me back. He wants to intimidate me -- this is none of your business! -- but he is also afraid. Someone is calling him out.
You can't abuse someone when other people see it. You can't ride high on your horse, boosting your fragile ego on the back of someone else, when everyone can see you doing it.
Well, that's not exactly true.
I have a friend who lived for four years in Asia. He hates some of the cultures he saw there. Because in many Asian cultures, emotional abuse is not just common, it is expected. If you chew someone out and demean them, and someone else sees it, they will join in the abuse. In those cultures, emotional poverty is epidemic.
Emotional strength is not something we have a right to. You can be born into such emotionally damaged situations that no one will come to help you. Heck, you can be born in a relatively stable culture, but if everyone agrees that they can get their jollies by placing you down, they will. They will call themselves upstanding citizens while they bully their fellow comrades at the first chance they get. We see these people all the time on TV. They crave power and they often get it.
You may not have a right to feel safe, but you do have the need. And sometimes, that need is enough.
In shame-based Asian cultures, to no one's surprise, you see the rise of avatars, alter egos, identities that provide a safe haven. Japan is one of the most creative, inventive cultures we have on this planet, with a huge emphasis on living in alternate realities, living out your fantasies in safe harbors.
Art is the expression of our need. The need to feel safe, to feel like we can share ourselves unabashedly. To feel heard, the yearning of our inner fears and joys to find community.
This weekend, I will travel to Napa with two people I deeply respect, where we are going to explore making art together. We are going to explore the thoughts and feelings we have that we cannot share in our normal day-to-day experience. And just like countless artists who have come before us, we will push the envelope and stare the things that frighten us straight in the face.
So this weekend, if you are walking through the city, or alone in the country, and you hear a pack of coyotes howling in the distance, I hope you think of us, and wish us luck.
Aarrooooo!!
Then I see, at a table next to me, two men. Neither of them have their feet planted on the ground, but one of them is fidgeting. The other is looking at him intently, using words like "fuck" and "what's wrong with you". And suddenly, it hits me, that one man has pulled the other away from his community, to a lonely table out by Duboce Park, where he expects no one to be able to hear him demean and place the other down.
So what do I do? I look at them. I make them aware that someone can see what is going on. And you can see the abusive man stare me back. He wants to intimidate me -- this is none of your business! -- but he is also afraid. Someone is calling him out.
You can't abuse someone when other people see it. You can't ride high on your horse, boosting your fragile ego on the back of someone else, when everyone can see you doing it.
Well, that's not exactly true.
I have a friend who lived for four years in Asia. He hates some of the cultures he saw there. Because in many Asian cultures, emotional abuse is not just common, it is expected. If you chew someone out and demean them, and someone else sees it, they will join in the abuse. In those cultures, emotional poverty is epidemic.
Emotional strength is not something we have a right to. You can be born into such emotionally damaged situations that no one will come to help you. Heck, you can be born in a relatively stable culture, but if everyone agrees that they can get their jollies by placing you down, they will. They will call themselves upstanding citizens while they bully their fellow comrades at the first chance they get. We see these people all the time on TV. They crave power and they often get it.
You may not have a right to feel safe, but you do have the need. And sometimes, that need is enough.
In shame-based Asian cultures, to no one's surprise, you see the rise of avatars, alter egos, identities that provide a safe haven. Japan is one of the most creative, inventive cultures we have on this planet, with a huge emphasis on living in alternate realities, living out your fantasies in safe harbors.
Art is the expression of our need. The need to feel safe, to feel like we can share ourselves unabashedly. To feel heard, the yearning of our inner fears and joys to find community.
This weekend, I will travel to Napa with two people I deeply respect, where we are going to explore making art together. We are going to explore the thoughts and feelings we have that we cannot share in our normal day-to-day experience. And just like countless artists who have come before us, we will push the envelope and stare the things that frighten us straight in the face.
So this weekend, if you are walking through the city, or alone in the country, and you hear a pack of coyotes howling in the distance, I hope you think of us, and wish us luck.
Aarrooooo!!
