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Misunderstanding each other / out of control we remain
11 years ago
General
Three months.
That's three month now of suicidal thoughts.
I have seen the face of my bloodline's deceptive ways.
The self-destruction of six generations in two families.
I found the responsibilities of a workforce, and consequently resentment of the system has multiplied exponentially. Not only that, but my hatred and detachment for human beings has grown to a vast oblivion.
I scrub the shitstains from urinals to entertain self-righteous old farts with an eighth my IQ
WHO THE FUCK THROWS A 2-YEAR OLDS BIRTHDAY IN A DARK, ALCOHOLIC PUG ARIUAERTYGOUE7892Y
job aside
My mother nearly killed a man last week out of racist spite.
So yeah. Knowing that she's insane, I need to accelerate my escape.
I can't say here.
I long to leave her and this world far behind me.
FAR behind me.
Let me decide, for once in my life. Take the slightest bit of significance into the plot of life I wreathe.
I long to feel the freedom of free fall. The obsolescence of flying down. Sweet oblivion - deliverance from slavery, and a haunted future.
Not only this, but I fear the sin of failure. Of repeating the cycle set out for me. I fear having children, in fear that they will inherit the same inherit faults.
I see no worth in a perpetuating existence without progress. Living when a thirst for survival is the only treasure.
Fuck this false life and all it's NOISE.
So yeah, not planning, or... thinking about immideatly COMMITTING to this but... I'm so close. So. Close.
My depressive history has always linked directly to my environment, and could be described as a 1 to 10 scale. Right now I'm riding at a solid 8.5, which has been much, much more damaging within the passed two years then the previous worst - the apex of high school nihilism. Which I'd say brought me to a 6 at my absolute worst. Those years divorced many friendships and broke many bridges. But The worst was the fights with my Dad. Cryptic-ass old goat. Our relationship is healing, but now there's nobody in my family who I can fully trust or remotely sympathize with. My sexuality I think is also irrevocably dented. Too many psychopathic defacto-Exes, and FAAAAAR too much hatred for my mother. I'll give heterosexual romance one last shot, then we'll... do. Something else.
But life has been so heavy. So full of broken ideals and irresponsible, subhuman cuntcreatures.
I long to rejoin the universe. To become stardust once again; raw elements of the cosmos from whence I truly came.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yyJWK2DFy5M
That's three month now of suicidal thoughts.
I have seen the face of my bloodline's deceptive ways.
The self-destruction of six generations in two families.
I found the responsibilities of a workforce, and consequently resentment of the system has multiplied exponentially. Not only that, but my hatred and detachment for human beings has grown to a vast oblivion.
I scrub the shitstains from urinals to entertain self-righteous old farts with an eighth my IQ
WHO THE FUCK THROWS A 2-YEAR OLDS BIRTHDAY IN A DARK, ALCOHOLIC PUG ARIUAERTYGOUE7892Y
job aside
My mother nearly killed a man last week out of racist spite.
So yeah. Knowing that she's insane, I need to accelerate my escape.
I can't say here.
I long to leave her and this world far behind me.
FAR behind me.
Let me decide, for once in my life. Take the slightest bit of significance into the plot of life I wreathe.
I long to feel the freedom of free fall. The obsolescence of flying down. Sweet oblivion - deliverance from slavery, and a haunted future.
Not only this, but I fear the sin of failure. Of repeating the cycle set out for me. I fear having children, in fear that they will inherit the same inherit faults.
I see no worth in a perpetuating existence without progress. Living when a thirst for survival is the only treasure.
Fuck this false life and all it's NOISE.
So yeah, not planning, or... thinking about immideatly COMMITTING to this but... I'm so close. So. Close.
My depressive history has always linked directly to my environment, and could be described as a 1 to 10 scale. Right now I'm riding at a solid 8.5, which has been much, much more damaging within the passed two years then the previous worst - the apex of high school nihilism. Which I'd say brought me to a 6 at my absolute worst. Those years divorced many friendships and broke many bridges. But The worst was the fights with my Dad. Cryptic-ass old goat. Our relationship is healing, but now there's nobody in my family who I can fully trust or remotely sympathize with. My sexuality I think is also irrevocably dented. Too many psychopathic defacto-Exes, and FAAAAAR too much hatred for my mother. I'll give heterosexual romance one last shot, then we'll... do. Something else.
But life has been so heavy. So full of broken ideals and irresponsible, subhuman cuntcreatures.
I long to rejoin the universe. To become stardust once again; raw elements of the cosmos from whence I truly came.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yyJWK2DFy5M
