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HOLIDAY INSOMNIA and confessions
9 years ago
General
It's Christmas day.
I haven't slept in about 40 hours. I'm not sure exactly. Lost track.
Couldn't sleep on christmas eve.
Got scant hours the night before. Dreams are getting worse and more vivid.
Still no scanner of my own. Only able to scan occasionally at a buddy's house. That's not gonna change soon.
Still no comments on the only thing I submitted 3 days ago now. The first thing I've uploaded in over a year.
Still not looking forward to the obligatory family gatherings with family that condemns and confounds me.
Still definitely not looking forward to being asked by my baby-booming elders why I don't have a job and have yet to go to college.
Or their inevitably protractive and invasive queries about my take on the RECENT ELECTION.
I know this is gonna come off as Adam Jensen-tier angst and pointless complaining, but I've found myself in a rut:
I see a lot of people, talented, quality artists on here, who around this particularly stressful time just so also happened to be cursed with the weight of something else emotionally massive. Whether it be poverty, the loss of loved ones, or even acting on suicidal thoughts -- I've seen men and women among us go through so much for their families, and with their families.
I agree whole-heartedly, but can't exactly say it's the same for me.
My family is splintered and divided. My father's a hypocritical non-practicing Semitic jewish stereotype. He has become less and less a part of my life ever since I was 18. He used to be the sun in my sky, my voice of reason. Now he has become the embodiment of everything I hope NOT to become as a future father. He lives with his young girlfriend on the far outskirts of the city. I never see him, and when I do on rare occasions, neither of us have anything to say.
My mother is something else entirely. She may not be a crooked, full-blown kike like my father, but she has all the negative attributes of one, without the jewish critical mind. My father has this, to be certain, but he has always used it to twist the truth to his own benefit from out beneath him. He looooooves doing that to win arguments that have no foundation whatsoever. But she lacks all sense of foresight or coordination; A heavy mouth breather who refuses to cover their coughs and sneezes, whom drags their feet constantly when she walks. The kind of emotionally-unstable slag who will spend over 100 dollars a month on Ice cream or 300 dollars or more a month on cigarettes alone, but then busts my ass whenever I try to earn money with chores for a $8 bag of weed. She kicked me out of the house not once, not twice, but THREE TIMES in the passed two years just because of dirty dishes.
But where does all this malice and resentment go? Well, I'll tell you.
I don't know what it's like to have no family at all -- but neither do I know what it's like to have a family that I can feel comfortable around, or at home amongst. In technicality? Yes. I have a father, and I have a mother. But, this -- unidentifiable abstract expectation we call "family"....
.....
.....Well, Merry Christmas.
I haven't slept in about 40 hours. I'm not sure exactly. Lost track.
Couldn't sleep on christmas eve.
Got scant hours the night before. Dreams are getting worse and more vivid.
Still no scanner of my own. Only able to scan occasionally at a buddy's house. That's not gonna change soon.
Still no comments on the only thing I submitted 3 days ago now. The first thing I've uploaded in over a year.
Still not looking forward to the obligatory family gatherings with family that condemns and confounds me.
Still definitely not looking forward to being asked by my baby-booming elders why I don't have a job and have yet to go to college.
Or their inevitably protractive and invasive queries about my take on the RECENT ELECTION.
I know this is gonna come off as Adam Jensen-tier angst and pointless complaining, but I've found myself in a rut:
I see a lot of people, talented, quality artists on here, who around this particularly stressful time just so also happened to be cursed with the weight of something else emotionally massive. Whether it be poverty, the loss of loved ones, or even acting on suicidal thoughts -- I've seen men and women among us go through so much for their families, and with their families.
I agree whole-heartedly, but can't exactly say it's the same for me.
My family is splintered and divided. My father's a hypocritical non-practicing Semitic jewish stereotype. He has become less and less a part of my life ever since I was 18. He used to be the sun in my sky, my voice of reason. Now he has become the embodiment of everything I hope NOT to become as a future father. He lives with his young girlfriend on the far outskirts of the city. I never see him, and when I do on rare occasions, neither of us have anything to say.
My mother is something else entirely. She may not be a crooked, full-blown kike like my father, but she has all the negative attributes of one, without the jewish critical mind. My father has this, to be certain, but he has always used it to twist the truth to his own benefit from out beneath him. He looooooves doing that to win arguments that have no foundation whatsoever. But she lacks all sense of foresight or coordination; A heavy mouth breather who refuses to cover their coughs and sneezes, whom drags their feet constantly when she walks. The kind of emotionally-unstable slag who will spend over 100 dollars a month on Ice cream or 300 dollars or more a month on cigarettes alone, but then busts my ass whenever I try to earn money with chores for a $8 bag of weed. She kicked me out of the house not once, not twice, but THREE TIMES in the passed two years just because of dirty dishes.
But where does all this malice and resentment go? Well, I'll tell you.
I don't know what it's like to have no family at all -- but neither do I know what it's like to have a family that I can feel comfortable around, or at home amongst. In technicality? Yes. I have a father, and I have a mother. But, this -- unidentifiable abstract expectation we call "family"....
.....
.....Well, Merry Christmas.
