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A few more hidden things
11 years ago
General
So, I put a few fears down on a journal not too long ago. I felt it would help me find a way to push on through my troubles, and it did. But now, one wall climbed over, I find myself in a world of mountains that I couldn't see past this one issue, and now it's like the same task again and again. Climbing isn't easy! But the current mountain...I don't think I can get over. I just kinda wanna explain.
So, when I was born, my mother was informed that I had a virus in my system that would do fun things. Entertaining things like I get to have seizures with no memory of them happening, my mental growth was slowed, and I'd eventually be afflicted wiff paralysis. So yay. And these things happened. I, from what my mother said, had many seizures in my life time, but I don't remember any of them. And I was rather...dim as a child. Then, sometime in Elementary, or was it early middle school, I was hit wiff the paralysis part of the virus, and the right side of my body refused to move after I awoke from a nap. Along the trip to the hospital, I slowly got feeling back, but not enough to really move or act. What I did notice was a very accurate account of what it was like in that state. The parts that wouldn't move, how heavy they were, etc. My mind was taking in info I'd never normally care about. That was cool, but I still couldn't move my right arm or leg...so into the hospital, blood test after blood test, take a medication for 2 years. Yay, cured. But there were catches...
I'm right handed. You could imagine that being paralyzed on the right side was lame. But what it did, I wouldn't realize for another year. The reaction speed of my right hand to my left is rather drastic. I notice it when I'm typing as i make the same typo's. Like nothing is ntohing. And is adn. It goes on. But the damage isn't just the subtle speed. It's also complex movement. My right arm isn't as fast or responsive as my left. My right leg can't keep up running rhythm. Honestly, walking around, playing some games, etc, you'd never notice. But I do. And I have to compensate.
So what is the point of going over all of this? Simple, fine motor control, response time, and speed. I like to do many things that require these things. I love music games. I love fighting games. I want to learn to draw. I'm right handed. I lead wiff my right leg when walking. Seeing the pattern?
I can't really do the things I wish to do. See, when I do stuff like DDR, it's VERY common to see my balance get lost. That isn't me losing balance. That is my right leg not responding to me. I don't know if anyone is really familiar wiff the idea that your brain said 'right leg, lift off the ground and land on the up arrow', and it just sits there. It doesn't move. It ignores you. That's really scary. I remember when I first tried DDR, I stopped playing for a day and cried a bit because I thought my leg was somehow damaged, and I'd have to go back to the damn hospital, all because I wanted to step on arrows. But I remember the fear that my body wasn't listening. What was next? My arm? My hips? My...brain? I had a fear. A big one. It's been years since then, and I've accepted that there's nothing I can do. It will just ignore me from time to time wiff quick motor responses. Fine motor responses dampen drawing, because I literally can't make tiny tiny changes. My arm requires a lot of strength to move, and that prevents such motions. If that wasn't all enough, there's speed. You know when you drop something and you catch it as it's falling, and you feel all cool? I'll never be able to do that. My reactions are approx. 1.1 seconds too delayed. If a car was about to hit me, I'm pretty much dead. Stuff like that. Makes me scared to drive, you know?
Notice how a fear of not being able to play a game just jumped up to not being able to do something we pretty much need to do to survive? My right leg ignoring the 'hit the break' response, my right arm ignoring my 'turn the wheel' command...my reaction to avoid a crash? Yes, the problem is much more dire than it seemed. What? You thought this was all petty game stuff? Cute. Small problems always work up to larger ones.
So, this massive mountain of an issue looms over me, and the best part is, the first steps are both right side oriented. Sounds great. The best part is, this adds to an inferiority complex I already have. I am damaged, but I still want to be great at something...but my body says no. It hurts, you know? Knowing that I can't. I physically can't.
But....
I still try. In this case, my love for music is stronger. I'm bad at music games, and watching what I can NEVER do is painful to me, but I still try. Fear, and even some physical restrictions, can be beaten by will. By a desire to do better. By a drive to want to do what one loves. I'm not wiffout strength to try. I am just petty, and small, because I want to be great, when I can barely do good. But getting all this out did help.
So, when I was born, my mother was informed that I had a virus in my system that would do fun things. Entertaining things like I get to have seizures with no memory of them happening, my mental growth was slowed, and I'd eventually be afflicted wiff paralysis. So yay. And these things happened. I, from what my mother said, had many seizures in my life time, but I don't remember any of them. And I was rather...dim as a child. Then, sometime in Elementary, or was it early middle school, I was hit wiff the paralysis part of the virus, and the right side of my body refused to move after I awoke from a nap. Along the trip to the hospital, I slowly got feeling back, but not enough to really move or act. What I did notice was a very accurate account of what it was like in that state. The parts that wouldn't move, how heavy they were, etc. My mind was taking in info I'd never normally care about. That was cool, but I still couldn't move my right arm or leg...so into the hospital, blood test after blood test, take a medication for 2 years. Yay, cured. But there were catches...
I'm right handed. You could imagine that being paralyzed on the right side was lame. But what it did, I wouldn't realize for another year. The reaction speed of my right hand to my left is rather drastic. I notice it when I'm typing as i make the same typo's. Like nothing is ntohing. And is adn. It goes on. But the damage isn't just the subtle speed. It's also complex movement. My right arm isn't as fast or responsive as my left. My right leg can't keep up running rhythm. Honestly, walking around, playing some games, etc, you'd never notice. But I do. And I have to compensate.
So what is the point of going over all of this? Simple, fine motor control, response time, and speed. I like to do many things that require these things. I love music games. I love fighting games. I want to learn to draw. I'm right handed. I lead wiff my right leg when walking. Seeing the pattern?
I can't really do the things I wish to do. See, when I do stuff like DDR, it's VERY common to see my balance get lost. That isn't me losing balance. That is my right leg not responding to me. I don't know if anyone is really familiar wiff the idea that your brain said 'right leg, lift off the ground and land on the up arrow', and it just sits there. It doesn't move. It ignores you. That's really scary. I remember when I first tried DDR, I stopped playing for a day and cried a bit because I thought my leg was somehow damaged, and I'd have to go back to the damn hospital, all because I wanted to step on arrows. But I remember the fear that my body wasn't listening. What was next? My arm? My hips? My...brain? I had a fear. A big one. It's been years since then, and I've accepted that there's nothing I can do. It will just ignore me from time to time wiff quick motor responses. Fine motor responses dampen drawing, because I literally can't make tiny tiny changes. My arm requires a lot of strength to move, and that prevents such motions. If that wasn't all enough, there's speed. You know when you drop something and you catch it as it's falling, and you feel all cool? I'll never be able to do that. My reactions are approx. 1.1 seconds too delayed. If a car was about to hit me, I'm pretty much dead. Stuff like that. Makes me scared to drive, you know?
Notice how a fear of not being able to play a game just jumped up to not being able to do something we pretty much need to do to survive? My right leg ignoring the 'hit the break' response, my right arm ignoring my 'turn the wheel' command...my reaction to avoid a crash? Yes, the problem is much more dire than it seemed. What? You thought this was all petty game stuff? Cute. Small problems always work up to larger ones.
So, this massive mountain of an issue looms over me, and the best part is, the first steps are both right side oriented. Sounds great. The best part is, this adds to an inferiority complex I already have. I am damaged, but I still want to be great at something...but my body says no. It hurts, you know? Knowing that I can't. I physically can't.
But....
I still try. In this case, my love for music is stronger. I'm bad at music games, and watching what I can NEVER do is painful to me, but I still try. Fear, and even some physical restrictions, can be beaten by will. By a desire to do better. By a drive to want to do what one loves. I'm not wiffout strength to try. I am just petty, and small, because I want to be great, when I can barely do good. But getting all this out did help.
You cannot even go to sleep thinking what the hell is going to happen to you tomorrow, just to wake up thinking if you're gonna have enough energy throughout the day.
Also, my medication involves immunosuppressive drug therapy, meaning, the "cure" could be worse than the illness.
You see, like you, I'm really struggling with a lot of crap, however, giving up is not really an option for me, why? Because I'm alive, and this dream called life is too short to let go; "carpe diem" and be aware of your existence; you can still touch many lives and change them, you can still grasp a deeper meaning than what society tells us to pursue. Find that purpose in your friends, family and the things you can still do, and a new concept of life shall be shown to you.
Life is in "hard mode" for us, still, rewards are more fulfilling for those who struggle to attain them; just live the magical and mysterious dream and keep going, tanuki bro.
Be strong! :3