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There's something I need to get off my chest..
11 years ago
A life unloved is a life not worth living.
These words came to mind on the bus ride home today, and I have to say, nothing rang truer than that phrase for me.. Nothing in a long while.
And this is meant in the sense of 'Love what you do, love yourself, and love your life; If something is wrong, find out what and change it!'
And the reason why this rang true is because I am at that point right now. Don't get me wrong, life is good for me right now! I have a great computer (from a birthday present), I'm doing well in school (college, yay), I'm a lot healthier than I have been in a while.. I'm mentally stable, I have good food to eat, and friends and family that care for me, and are willing to be there when I'm not feeling well.
So, in sound mind and a good mood, I say this: I am not comfortable with the body I inhabit.
Most of you know me as Runac, the cloneable, apple-flavored, electric-powered, and gender-shifting (Though holding steady as a herm for the moment) fennec that loves to cuddle everyone. That is not the real me.. Not right now.
I am socially awkward, far to distant at times and far to close at others. I have a bad memory, I am a bit overweight, and I have breathing troubles, which aren't so bad at the moment. But, importantly, I..
-sighs softly-
I don't feel that I am my ideal. Sure, I could stand to lose weight, work out, and actually take my asthma meds to help even more that being wheat-free is, but that's not where my greatest quarrel lies.
It lies in my gender, surprisingly. I have, at many times, felt that strange kind of feeling where you know that you're missing something, somehow. I know that it may simply be me wishing to be more like my 'sona, but at the same time, I realize that I am merely content with how I am. I am merely used to the body I am in, and that is where the internal conflict arises from. I know that such a change would never be easy, and even typing this, I have that little bit of doubt gnawing away at me, saying that everything is alright as it is. But, as I was sitting on the bus and walking the half mile from the bus stop to home, I knew. I knew that this was something to talk about, something to bring up with others. I knew this was important, because this wasn't a feeling that was a phase at all. It was there, it was somewhat constant.. And it's still here now.
A large part of me is saying to think it over more, to give it time. It has always said that, and I always listened. I'm ignoring it now, though.. Listening to my muse, my heart, and the rest of my mind. I.. I don't feel entirely comfortable as male right now, I honestly don't. You would never tell, what with how I dress (always in pants, never in anything all that outgoing), but..
I feel right saying this, both on the way home and now. I feel calmer, getting this off my chest, letting this weight drop off my back for the time.
I really am curious what everyone else thinks of this, simply because I.. I want to know what others have to say. The best eyes for looking at yourself are never your own, and I feel that no words are better suited for offering advice on the subject right now.
These words came to mind on the bus ride home today, and I have to say, nothing rang truer than that phrase for me.. Nothing in a long while.
And this is meant in the sense of 'Love what you do, love yourself, and love your life; If something is wrong, find out what and change it!'
And the reason why this rang true is because I am at that point right now. Don't get me wrong, life is good for me right now! I have a great computer (from a birthday present), I'm doing well in school (college, yay), I'm a lot healthier than I have been in a while.. I'm mentally stable, I have good food to eat, and friends and family that care for me, and are willing to be there when I'm not feeling well.
So, in sound mind and a good mood, I say this: I am not comfortable with the body I inhabit.
Most of you know me as Runac, the cloneable, apple-flavored, electric-powered, and gender-shifting (Though holding steady as a herm for the moment) fennec that loves to cuddle everyone. That is not the real me.. Not right now.
I am socially awkward, far to distant at times and far to close at others. I have a bad memory, I am a bit overweight, and I have breathing troubles, which aren't so bad at the moment. But, importantly, I..
-sighs softly-
I don't feel that I am my ideal. Sure, I could stand to lose weight, work out, and actually take my asthma meds to help even more that being wheat-free is, but that's not where my greatest quarrel lies.
It lies in my gender, surprisingly. I have, at many times, felt that strange kind of feeling where you know that you're missing something, somehow. I know that it may simply be me wishing to be more like my 'sona, but at the same time, I realize that I am merely content with how I am. I am merely used to the body I am in, and that is where the internal conflict arises from. I know that such a change would never be easy, and even typing this, I have that little bit of doubt gnawing away at me, saying that everything is alright as it is. But, as I was sitting on the bus and walking the half mile from the bus stop to home, I knew. I knew that this was something to talk about, something to bring up with others. I knew this was important, because this wasn't a feeling that was a phase at all. It was there, it was somewhat constant.. And it's still here now.
A large part of me is saying to think it over more, to give it time. It has always said that, and I always listened. I'm ignoring it now, though.. Listening to my muse, my heart, and the rest of my mind. I.. I don't feel entirely comfortable as male right now, I honestly don't. You would never tell, what with how I dress (always in pants, never in anything all that outgoing), but..
I feel right saying this, both on the way home and now. I feel calmer, getting this off my chest, letting this weight drop off my back for the time.
I really am curious what everyone else thinks of this, simply because I.. I want to know what others have to say. The best eyes for looking at yourself are never your own, and I feel that no words are better suited for offering advice on the subject right now.
I would say small changes at first like if your 190 then change it to 180 when you get there then 165 and so on till you get about half way to the goal then its a reward then like something you want to do or get ^^
that's what worked out for me XD
^o^ I think herms are sexy!!!!
o.o ^-^ take it one step at a time THIS IS Step ONE goood JOB!!!!
O>O I has many things wrong with me X.X that I need to change .o. but I miss my ears and tail... I don't think there is a thing to help change that ^-^ so I draw it as much as I can!
Like you I think it likely be happiest if I were a true herm like most pictured in the furry fandom, but since that's out of the question, I've come to terms that I'm physically male but identify as neither gender.
To those that would comment to me identifying agender, "then get your "parts" removed, then you can truely be neither gender": to me there is far more to gender or lack of than just reproductive parts, it's more about who you are than what you are.
Listen to your heart i guess
Weigh the pros and cons
*Looks at above long paragraphs of reply* and um.... um.... i dont know what else to say ><
Good friends will always appreciate you for who you are, not who you appear to be.
If anyone disagrees, leave them behind. Be yourself.
Aww, hon, that's a really important epiphany. *hugs* I know it's a difficult thing to face, but I'm sure you'll be so much happier with this knowledge. I think you're doing the right thing by telling yourself to stop thinking and start doing, if it's been gnawing at you for so long. There's a couple other things you should know if you already don't:
-Antiandrogens are a good intermediary step to take, because you can reduce your testosterone (which unlike taking estrogens is reversible) and see how things feel before taking the next step.
-Refusing to pay for trans healthcare has been made illegal at a national level. Don't let insurance companies push you around and tell you it's not covered; the law is on your side.
-You say that being wheat-free has made you feel a lot better; I assume it's avoiding gluten and not like a wheat allergy or something? If so, you should see a doctor if you haven't already been diagnosed with something, because a recent study showed that non-celiac gluten sensitivity does not exist, so if it's helping, you probably have some sort of celiac disease (though the treatment would be exactly the same, or you might be able to take something else like steroids to further improve things).
I wish you luck with everything! <3 It's a big thing, but you sound like you're ready to deal with it, and I think that's great.
Just remember, you have my Skype if and when you want to talk. I don't use it that often, but I'm almost always on.
<3