I hold them, and I can never seem to let go of them. Intellectually, I know that grudges are good for pretty much nothing and try to follow the words of Rafiki, "It doesn't matter, it's in the past!". Emotionally, however, I just can't seem to do it. The grudge lingers there, stews, and festers, quickly and lastingly coloring my interactions with people in detrimental ways. I see this, I recognize this, but I just can't seem to figure out what to do about it. It's gotten to the point where I feel that I tend to think the worst of people first and have to remind myself that such is a terrible way to look at life. Sure, I'll never be an optimist, but I shouldn't be looking at the world through the lens of "It's crap until it proves itself otherwise to me". I used to be able to write such things off and move on, but I just can't seem to do that anymore. I recently had a stark reminder of this and to be frankly honest it kinda scares me. I feel like I'm becoming the crotchety old man who can't stand anyone, and I don't want to be that person, even if in reality that's more paranoia than truth.

It's just...troubling that there's that stark difference between head and heart as it were. Why can't I just forgive and forget? Why can't I move on from something that no longer has any real relevance to the now? I don't know, and that's also part of what worries me. I look back on who I used to be, creatively and emotionally, and wonder what happened. I want to be that person again. I'm afraid of what it feels like I'm becoming. It's like...like I was mature for my age, and then never adjusted to adulthood.

Sigh, I feel like a broken down car on the side of the road of life. All it needs is doable repairs, but I don't know how to do it or who to call, and can't hitchhike. I feel stranded and lost, going on autopilot from day to day because I don't know what to do to go somewhere else. Life's passing me by and all it seems I can think to do is stare at it longingly.

Well, that became an emotional outpouring I wasn't expecting. So, reply or not, I'm not really looking for a response. Just a release I guess. I know I'm not the only one out there that feel like this, and there are so many others that have it much worse. but it still wears. I guess that's all for now. Hope you have a good day.