Well, such things aren't always easy. I have a few friends who are quite cynical and sarcastic, and in fact, don't like much of what I do (though they don't exactly refrain from not getting involved altogether). They're just trying in their own way, and I have learnt to accept that. On the flipside, many more distant people think I'm a sarcastic cynic myself, and though I don't agree with such an assessment it's best to remember that expression and presentation aren't exactly sure sciences. There's usually more dynamic personality than we get to see.

I try to have some sort of balance in life with these things, and, as I continue to fail having it I'm about halfway to getting it by more or less coping with it not being there at all.

That sounds like a brilliant story anyway.

That's true, I often try to reset my perceptions and give people endless chances, really. I just don't like making fun of people, mean streaks, arrogance...It's ok to make fun of people you love, as long as they understand, I do that all the time, but only if I'm sure they know I don't mean it. I also can't stand people laughing with you to your face and then downing you behind your back, I have to deal with that all the time at work, and I think it just makes me generally more defensive than I should be. I just need to care a little less about all that and do my best. Intentions are what matters. I know mine are good, so who cares what anyone else thinks, right? Like you said about people thinking you're a sarcastic cynic, but you know where you're coming from. It's just a little tough if you're as sensitive as myself. I need to grow a shell (or a spine).

Do you really? Perhaps you're just fine there as it is. I know, that might sound a bit idealistic.. but whatever, I just can't accept that it's somehow a personal deficiency to be sensitive and spineless. But, that might be because I'm biased and alienated. Intellectually I drill any stranger into the ground if they randomly attack me with their idiocy.. but emotionally I'm a wreck for days on end. There's no magic switch for turning that off, and I refuse to look for it anymore. It's just how I am, and on the upside, by being that way, when I'm in a tough emotional bind that's truly troubling, I can deal with it really easily because that's just my default state of mind.

Those 'work people' sound like a real pain. If you could get rid of them somehow, I'm sure that would help. If you're constantly under attack, it's natural to be jumpy.

Oh, and I like Velvet Underground - I just don't have all their records. Or a record player for that matter. But that's another issue, I suppose. ;)

I agree with you that being sensitive is a good thing. What I guess I meant is that when people, like in a reply to a previous journal entry, attack me irrationally, I should not immediately cower and feel terrible and start blurting apologies and trying to figure out how to better myself. I was thankfully able to realize I did nothing wrong and refused to feel bad about it. That kind of shell would be helpful. Strengthen my sense of personal intention. I know what I mean when I say it though it may be alien to everyone else. I need to be more confident, I guess is what I'm saying. Not more of an "ass" by any means.

I've tried to get rid of the people at work. At least it's not just me that doesn't like them. Though many times I just feel sorry for them. I'm happy I know how to be honest with myself and consider possible faults and correct them if I can, but I also see how so many people can truly be oblivious to their own lies. I really only "saw" this recently, and it does make the whole issue tricky. You can lie to yourself so much that it becomes truth. It's actually kind of psychopathic, in the literal sense. Either that or schizophrenic. Either of which I'm thankful I'm not.

I have two records but no record player. I used to have one, but I didn't feel like moving it, so I smashed it with glee. I'm not very good at taking care of material objects. Or digital ones, really.

Ah, okay, so it's not that you want to change who you are but merely wish to be more secure and dignified about it. I'm glad you cleared that up, as honestly I felt a bit worried (in so far as I can about such things).

*Nods a bit.* I suppose most people lie out of sheer force of habit. In this society one can usually get by without being called on one's lies - it's a way of quiet acceptance, as people tend to gravitate towards those who are like them. But, you can't get rid of them, really? Well, I suppose you mean you're distancing yourself from them (which is the only wise thing one can do). The matter here is the degree of distance. ;)

..if I was good with objects I'd (still) have a record player. :>

Oh, the "song" is called "The Gift" by The Velvet Underground. He also did another twisted one called "The Jeweler". I love surrealism and WTF endings.

Sometimes ya just have to get out there and hang out, even if the tolerance level varies a little. Some people are annoying, some people you might clash a little with. But there are times that anything's better than nothing.

I'm not sure what more I can do, I do have net access at the new apt, finally. But I'm not normally online a great deal either. And as hard as it is to make new friends, it's sometimes just as difficult to keep in touch with the ones I already have.

I'll have to make it clear here that as far as getting out there and hanging out, I've often contemplated re-trying local meets and getting back on local lists or whatever, and here is the reason I can NOT do these things: there are three particular regulars I cannot be around. One would match your "clash a little" description, so we'll forget that one. Of course I can get past those things now; I'm more confident than I used to be. The second screwed my mate.

We were together for two and a half years. We lived with one another for two years. We bought a bed. We slept in that bed, a monogamous couple. I loved him with all my heart. I was starting to see us growing old together, and the thought comforted me. When he turned away from me, I fell apart. I went all hopeless romantic and bought a carnation and found where his car was parked while he was in class, and I threaded it through the steering wheel. I also wrote a poem I had written when we were first talking, one he wrote a melody for. I was hoping it would remind him what he had, what I still felt. Instead, he took my flower to the THIRD fur's house, where he was staying, put in a glass with water and fucked the second fur that night, under the same roof as my dying flower. I checked the times, I was actually writing a love song for him while they were doing this.

I would never, NEVER have cheated on him. He was everything to me, and I believed his love. But what did Furry #3 do? Pulled him away just like he pulled away the mate I was with BEFORE this last one. Same exact circumstances, Lived with him two years, monogamous loving relationship, I was hopelessly devoted, and then he meets #3. #3 talks shit about me, my mate listens, and pulls a sudden unexplainable 180 on me... My last mate admitted that this fur said that I drained my last mate dry. I hate him. I think he's a pathetic human being, and I hope he's hurt really bad one of these days.

By reading this, you might not believe I'm a peaceful person. I'm very easy-going, peaceful, and loving. I hold my friends close with high honor. I know, I'm just a romantic, I have high ideals. I don't care. The furry who had sex with my mate deserves a serious awakening for all the sleeping around he's done. In my broken state, I would beg for a caring heart to understand me, what I got was, "Oh, that's just the way he is." Fuck that mentality! It stabs my heart to hear about acceptable polyamory and casual sex. It makes me sick; I cannot accept it.

So to put it most simply, if I ever see either of them, my peaceful nature will fade. I will flare with more anger than I've stirred up with this very post, and I do not know what I will do to either of them or myself. This is not about people just being "annoying". It's not for the fear that we may "clash a little". This is a matter of dealing with a broken heart that in almost two years now has NEVER been healed. There can be no closure from a mate that runs away like a coward and never explains how their full devotion suddenly died outright. And no consoling from furs that were more friends to my mate than me anyway.

So yes, I am a very lonely person. I am stuck in a pit and I can't get out. Every fur around me knew both of my mates better than they ever knew me, and I'm the native here! They regard me with those same wary eyes that turned me into a recluse in my school days. These people that woof like dogs and scritch and huggle and snuggle mindlessly regard me as weird? For years my heart has bled to just fit in. But past evidence says, "You're just gonna get hurt no matter what you do. Stay inside."