Even though my body is large and my age states that I am nearly half a century old I feel as though I am still a toddler. I desperately try to learn and do what I can to grow as my own person but there are those that feel because I did not follow the path that they set before me that am doing it wrong, that I am incompetent and in constant need to berating and correction. I have gotten to the point that I do not even want to try anymore out of fear of rejection and scorn. Yes I know that there have been poor choices in my life but they were not ones that I had ever experienced before so I was not to know. I have gone to school to learn so many things but it seems to some that all of that time is a waste as I am still a dolt in their eyes. Why God Why? That is all I can shout at the sky. I know that is not the question I should be asking but to what end. Did my brother figure it out, to leave the nest and never look back? To abandon all that helped raise you because some that would not let you fly? I hideaway in my darkened room in a hole in the ground, not like a hobbit all in comfort but to hide from the pain of the guards of my cell, to hide from the feared punishment for not living up to their dreams. But what of my dreams….Am I not allowed to have them? Though I have a most special mate many times I feel all alone. I pray for Jesus to hold me but it gets harder and harder to feel him. I feel the darkness coming back to envelope me, to keep me from his love. A love I desperately need and want but feel though I am not deserving of it. I am a failure, I am a fraud. Everything that I feel I have done for good is for naught. I will fade into nothingness.