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A formal greeting... (kind of serious journal)
11 years ago
So, I'm realizing that I haven't put up too much personal stuff about myself yet. But there's kind of a reason for it. Starting up this account with the intention of creating a persona around this suit, Saiki, was more of a spur of the moment 'if I don't do it now, I probably won't' moment, and in doing so, I rose to a personal challenge.
I have been a fan and watcher of the furry fandom since about 2006, give or take a childhood of disney characters and cartoon animals. Now, I say fan and watcher, because for the longest time, I didn't even have an account, and watched as a guest. A big part of me heard the rumors, and I didn't want to admit that I too was part of the community, because at that point, I wasn't. I'd never met another real furry before, and the only things I'd ever heard were bad.
Yes, I saw the CSI Episode "Fur and Loathing". Re-watching it now is hilarious though.
But lets not go too far into that.
I've always loved anthropomorphic animals. I've always been an artist. I've been a fan of Anime and Disney, and Don Bluth, Jim Henson, Looney Toons, Aesops fables, the Redwall series of books (way back when I was in fourth grade, goodness that was so long ago), and even way back to the little stories about the Pokey Little Puppy and the Very Hungry Caterpillar. But I didn't want to be 'a furry'.
I got into cosplay in 2004-2005, near the end of middle school, and learned about anime conventions, or fan conventions in general, thanks to my best friend at the time. My first 'fursona' I created was probably inspired by either Sailor Moon, or Card Captors Sakura, because my best friend wanted to be 'the main character' and I always got to play the goofy animal sidekick. Which was fine by me, getting to play around as a cute little 'Super Deformed' or 'Chibi' version, and then in the heat of battle, I got to be one of the most BAD ASS creatures on the playing field *or maybe it was Ronin Warriors? Blackblaze was a BEAST*. I'm pretty sure Yoko Kurama from Yu Yu Hakusho, or Helios from Sailor Moon could be counted as my first boy-crushes leaning towards characters definitely not human. Shortly after getting into high school, though, my best friend (my only friend that was going to the same high school as me) ended up moving away. Not just across town, but far far up north, and way back then, long distance calls were VERY expensive. Internet chatting was one thing, but we drifted apart quickly without the constant every day sillyness we used to have with school.
And then I was alone.
I was suddenly the awkward kid with no friends in a brand new school and no real drive to put myself out on the friend market. And for a LONG time, it stayed that way. I've always been shy, but I needed my BFF to be my 'wing man' and act as the catalyst to get me out of my shell, but now they were gone. I turned to the internet, haunting DeviantArt, occasionally touching base with people from middle school, but DA was a place for artists, and most of my friends didn't draw, so they had no reason to be on there. I didn't like chatting on line, mostly because I was very slow at typing and could never keep up with conversations in chatrooms. So for the next year or so, I was quiet. The 2006 school year roll around, and I was still the quiet creepy kid that sat in the back of the classroom drawing animals and animal people. The only time people would ever talk to me was if a project required something creative, and I would get swarmed, shut down, and just get my parts of the projects over as fast as I could. But none of it was real friendship. I mean, the only people that put up with me didn't even bother trying to talk to me over the summer. I was just the art monkey, and my art wasn't even good, lol.
Right near the end of 2006 I ended up following SOME odd links to find a couple of really impressive artists to this site called Furaffinity.net.
Welp. I was horrified, lol. Here I was, browsing this FURRY website, and I was liking what I saw (THANK YOU SFW FILTER FOR GUESTS! oh, the first time I logged in, haha). But I kept track of a good handfull of artists I really liked, saving pictures to my computer, keeping folders and floppy disks full of art work just in case I wouldn't find it again (oh god floppy disks... how.. dated XD. my old computer was CRAP.) It was well over another year of lurking before I created my first account, which was promptly logged out of and abandoned after I switched the content rating to 'show all' or whatever it is. I got scared away for about 2 months, but... i... coudn't for the life of me remember what I'd signed up as, haha. I still can't remember *shrug*.
But I'd try again, and over the span of about three years, I don't think I posted a thing. I never left comments, and I rarely faved pictures. I think the account is still in double digits on page views :P BUT I was determined to make an attempt at being more. Out there. But by now, I'd grown out of that current fursona, and moved on to another new account. But aspects of the former 'sona lingered. It eventually evolved into a secondary persona that was a shy little dragon that never really said anything. My new fursona was 'a fox' because I felt like it would be more energetic in my mind. It was a faulty attempt, and turned into another shy little quiet thing, and that account also melted back into obscurity. But during this time, I started to really push my art into a more serious direction. I wanted to make something of myself, become one of the artists that everybody knew!
But dang, that was scary. I didn't become famous by any means, but having people become casual fans of mine was almost overwhelming. I evenutally petered out that account as well, going back to a watcher for a while. I played with my style, and began contemplating the thought of fursuiting. It was amazing to always see these masterworks of costumes. My inner cosplayer was still alive and on fire, wanting to create again, but I couldn't wrap my brain around how these things happened? How were they made? I searched a few tutorials on here, and eventually made my way to youtube, and the video examples did amazing wonders to open my eyes to the techniques and the methods and the EFFORT that went in to making them. THIS was what I was missing! Getting my hands dirty, and burned, and poked, and cut, and just... INTO it!
But..
I... kind of sucked. A lot. It was embarrassing! But it was a start. I attempted and disassembled and reassembled and tore apart and molded and tossed away probably a dozen false starts on my first head. I'd gotten used to being good at a lot of crafts and creative venues, but it wasn't quite clicking, not like I'd wanted.
I had sculpture in my history, I'd taken classes in highschool and also in college, but the last few years had been lacking in the practice to accomplish what I'd wanted. But I was getting closer. I could model a nice structure in clay, but foam is a fickle mistress. So I tried and tried, but it wasn't right.
I scrapped the project in december of last year, starting up a new semester of college classes after taking a few years off to gain funds *cough figure out my major cough* and decided on something everyone can love and enjoy. Baking! Which took my mind off of the internet durring that time.
But in late april, the semester was over, and there were no classes available for me during the summer term.
So... I dragged out the foam again, but the previous projects were not 'right'.
I browsed FA, my history, my origins, and looked at the fur and bits and pieces I'd collected over the last year and a half. Originally I'd wanted to have made my fursuit in time for FWA, since it was one of the closest conventions I could make it to.
Didn't happen. I went to the convention bare skinned and I'd never felt more out of place. It was pretty miserable, but there was something that I loved far more that made me hang around for a bit before retreating to my room.
Watching the fursuiters. Seeing the fun, the mischief, the adorable fuzzyness. Watching them get away with MURDER more or less, and they didn't have to say anything. Well, most of them, anyway. It was raw emotion and action. There wasn't anything anyone had to really say or do to be able to walk up to someone they'd never met before, and just get a hug, or a high five, or just a happy smiling face because THEY WERE THERE!
I spent the entire weekend either people watching... Fursuit watching... from underneith an oversized hoodie, or hauled up in my room.
Talking to people on the internet has become second nature, but talking to people in real life? It's kind of terrifying outside of the couple of people I already know. The last 10 years of my life have turned me into something of a recluse that puts all my effort into the crafts I make and the art I draw. And while I'm definitely not as good as a lot of people, I want to get better. I want to be great, but I also want to stay out of the lime light.
I've been thinking hard the last couple of weeks this account has been live, about jumping head first into taking on suit commissions, about how Megaplex is less than a month away (and how I might have another convention inbetween now and then, thank you tampa!). I've been thinking about how in the last three days, I've busted out as many foam bases. Two days, technically. But I've loved the shapes. I'm PROUD of my work, and it's an amazing feeling. I'm happy my room mate and my signifigant other support me, that my formerly non-furry room mate has been open enough to actually get EXCITED about a suit of their own!
About the reactions I've already gotten from commissioners for their suits, or badges, and how I'm able to be just as excited back to them because I built up the character of Saiki...'Psyche'... noun... the human soul, mind, or spirit... as an outgoing, energetic, exuberant creature BEFORE I assumed the account. Making them gave me something to sort of 'live up to', and the last couple of weeks, my apartment compadre's have noticed.
The costume is almost done. The creation, the persona is almost ready, and I couldn't be more excited.
From now on, when I go to conventions, I don't know if I will actually walk around the common areas outside of the suit. Not yet at least. For now, Saiki is going to be my shield while I try to repair a lot of the damage that my teenage and not so teenage years have done to me, mentally. I don't have high self esteem. I don't like being in the spot light. I don't WANT to be 'FAMOUS'... but I want to be awesome. It feels weird to say something like that, but it's true. I like being in the shadows, and if I could, I'd want the character, or characters I can become to be the ones that get the attention.
Each one is going to end up as a different facet of what makes me Me. I have a lot, but not many of them have gotten to see the sunlight lately. So. This will be an interesting personal challenge.
It's taken a bit to actually put this down in words, and I'm sure I rambled off in several places, and this is probably not really well put together, but it's here now.
Hello, my name is Saiki.
I have been a fan and watcher of the furry fandom since about 2006, give or take a childhood of disney characters and cartoon animals. Now, I say fan and watcher, because for the longest time, I didn't even have an account, and watched as a guest. A big part of me heard the rumors, and I didn't want to admit that I too was part of the community, because at that point, I wasn't. I'd never met another real furry before, and the only things I'd ever heard were bad.
Yes, I saw the CSI Episode "Fur and Loathing". Re-watching it now is hilarious though.
But lets not go too far into that.
I've always loved anthropomorphic animals. I've always been an artist. I've been a fan of Anime and Disney, and Don Bluth, Jim Henson, Looney Toons, Aesops fables, the Redwall series of books (way back when I was in fourth grade, goodness that was so long ago), and even way back to the little stories about the Pokey Little Puppy and the Very Hungry Caterpillar. But I didn't want to be 'a furry'.
I got into cosplay in 2004-2005, near the end of middle school, and learned about anime conventions, or fan conventions in general, thanks to my best friend at the time. My first 'fursona' I created was probably inspired by either Sailor Moon, or Card Captors Sakura, because my best friend wanted to be 'the main character' and I always got to play the goofy animal sidekick. Which was fine by me, getting to play around as a cute little 'Super Deformed' or 'Chibi' version, and then in the heat of battle, I got to be one of the most BAD ASS creatures on the playing field *or maybe it was Ronin Warriors? Blackblaze was a BEAST*. I'm pretty sure Yoko Kurama from Yu Yu Hakusho, or Helios from Sailor Moon could be counted as my first boy-crushes leaning towards characters definitely not human. Shortly after getting into high school, though, my best friend (my only friend that was going to the same high school as me) ended up moving away. Not just across town, but far far up north, and way back then, long distance calls were VERY expensive. Internet chatting was one thing, but we drifted apart quickly without the constant every day sillyness we used to have with school.
And then I was alone.
I was suddenly the awkward kid with no friends in a brand new school and no real drive to put myself out on the friend market. And for a LONG time, it stayed that way. I've always been shy, but I needed my BFF to be my 'wing man' and act as the catalyst to get me out of my shell, but now they were gone. I turned to the internet, haunting DeviantArt, occasionally touching base with people from middle school, but DA was a place for artists, and most of my friends didn't draw, so they had no reason to be on there. I didn't like chatting on line, mostly because I was very slow at typing and could never keep up with conversations in chatrooms. So for the next year or so, I was quiet. The 2006 school year roll around, and I was still the quiet creepy kid that sat in the back of the classroom drawing animals and animal people. The only time people would ever talk to me was if a project required something creative, and I would get swarmed, shut down, and just get my parts of the projects over as fast as I could. But none of it was real friendship. I mean, the only people that put up with me didn't even bother trying to talk to me over the summer. I was just the art monkey, and my art wasn't even good, lol.
Right near the end of 2006 I ended up following SOME odd links to find a couple of really impressive artists to this site called Furaffinity.net.
Welp. I was horrified, lol. Here I was, browsing this FURRY website, and I was liking what I saw (THANK YOU SFW FILTER FOR GUESTS! oh, the first time I logged in, haha). But I kept track of a good handfull of artists I really liked, saving pictures to my computer, keeping folders and floppy disks full of art work just in case I wouldn't find it again (oh god floppy disks... how.. dated XD. my old computer was CRAP.) It was well over another year of lurking before I created my first account, which was promptly logged out of and abandoned after I switched the content rating to 'show all' or whatever it is. I got scared away for about 2 months, but... i... coudn't for the life of me remember what I'd signed up as, haha. I still can't remember *shrug*.
But I'd try again, and over the span of about three years, I don't think I posted a thing. I never left comments, and I rarely faved pictures. I think the account is still in double digits on page views :P BUT I was determined to make an attempt at being more. Out there. But by now, I'd grown out of that current fursona, and moved on to another new account. But aspects of the former 'sona lingered. It eventually evolved into a secondary persona that was a shy little dragon that never really said anything. My new fursona was 'a fox' because I felt like it would be more energetic in my mind. It was a faulty attempt, and turned into another shy little quiet thing, and that account also melted back into obscurity. But during this time, I started to really push my art into a more serious direction. I wanted to make something of myself, become one of the artists that everybody knew!
But dang, that was scary. I didn't become famous by any means, but having people become casual fans of mine was almost overwhelming. I evenutally petered out that account as well, going back to a watcher for a while. I played with my style, and began contemplating the thought of fursuiting. It was amazing to always see these masterworks of costumes. My inner cosplayer was still alive and on fire, wanting to create again, but I couldn't wrap my brain around how these things happened? How were they made? I searched a few tutorials on here, and eventually made my way to youtube, and the video examples did amazing wonders to open my eyes to the techniques and the methods and the EFFORT that went in to making them. THIS was what I was missing! Getting my hands dirty, and burned, and poked, and cut, and just... INTO it!
But..
I... kind of sucked. A lot. It was embarrassing! But it was a start. I attempted and disassembled and reassembled and tore apart and molded and tossed away probably a dozen false starts on my first head. I'd gotten used to being good at a lot of crafts and creative venues, but it wasn't quite clicking, not like I'd wanted.
I had sculpture in my history, I'd taken classes in highschool and also in college, but the last few years had been lacking in the practice to accomplish what I'd wanted. But I was getting closer. I could model a nice structure in clay, but foam is a fickle mistress. So I tried and tried, but it wasn't right.
I scrapped the project in december of last year, starting up a new semester of college classes after taking a few years off to gain funds *cough figure out my major cough* and decided on something everyone can love and enjoy. Baking! Which took my mind off of the internet durring that time.
But in late april, the semester was over, and there were no classes available for me during the summer term.
So... I dragged out the foam again, but the previous projects were not 'right'.
I browsed FA, my history, my origins, and looked at the fur and bits and pieces I'd collected over the last year and a half. Originally I'd wanted to have made my fursuit in time for FWA, since it was one of the closest conventions I could make it to.
Didn't happen. I went to the convention bare skinned and I'd never felt more out of place. It was pretty miserable, but there was something that I loved far more that made me hang around for a bit before retreating to my room.
Watching the fursuiters. Seeing the fun, the mischief, the adorable fuzzyness. Watching them get away with MURDER more or less, and they didn't have to say anything. Well, most of them, anyway. It was raw emotion and action. There wasn't anything anyone had to really say or do to be able to walk up to someone they'd never met before, and just get a hug, or a high five, or just a happy smiling face because THEY WERE THERE!
I spent the entire weekend either people watching... Fursuit watching... from underneith an oversized hoodie, or hauled up in my room.
Talking to people on the internet has become second nature, but talking to people in real life? It's kind of terrifying outside of the couple of people I already know. The last 10 years of my life have turned me into something of a recluse that puts all my effort into the crafts I make and the art I draw. And while I'm definitely not as good as a lot of people, I want to get better. I want to be great, but I also want to stay out of the lime light.
I've been thinking hard the last couple of weeks this account has been live, about jumping head first into taking on suit commissions, about how Megaplex is less than a month away (and how I might have another convention inbetween now and then, thank you tampa!). I've been thinking about how in the last three days, I've busted out as many foam bases. Two days, technically. But I've loved the shapes. I'm PROUD of my work, and it's an amazing feeling. I'm happy my room mate and my signifigant other support me, that my formerly non-furry room mate has been open enough to actually get EXCITED about a suit of their own!
About the reactions I've already gotten from commissioners for their suits, or badges, and how I'm able to be just as excited back to them because I built up the character of Saiki...'Psyche'... noun... the human soul, mind, or spirit... as an outgoing, energetic, exuberant creature BEFORE I assumed the account. Making them gave me something to sort of 'live up to', and the last couple of weeks, my apartment compadre's have noticed.
The costume is almost done. The creation, the persona is almost ready, and I couldn't be more excited.
From now on, when I go to conventions, I don't know if I will actually walk around the common areas outside of the suit. Not yet at least. For now, Saiki is going to be my shield while I try to repair a lot of the damage that my teenage and not so teenage years have done to me, mentally. I don't have high self esteem. I don't like being in the spot light. I don't WANT to be 'FAMOUS'... but I want to be awesome. It feels weird to say something like that, but it's true. I like being in the shadows, and if I could, I'd want the character, or characters I can become to be the ones that get the attention.
Each one is going to end up as a different facet of what makes me Me. I have a lot, but not many of them have gotten to see the sunlight lately. So. This will be an interesting personal challenge.
It's taken a bit to actually put this down in words, and I'm sure I rambled off in several places, and this is probably not really well put together, but it's here now.
Hello, my name is Saiki.
I wish you all the best in your personal challenges! And I hope that you can slowly increase your self esteem - you seem so very nice, and deserve to feel good about all that you do ^_^
But hey ^_^;; I know sometimes it's easier said than done! My teenage years were a little shaky, and I'm glad their behind me!
SO far, stuff has been good. It's been completely different with this account than it has been with any others before, and I'm going to be slowly fading out and closing my old one that's more or less a dead horse already and switching on to this one as my permanent. I don't want to link up my past accounts with this because the attitude and content and just... FEEL of them is SO different. I don't want it to spoil this one.