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Disturbing...
17 years ago
So tomorrow morning I have a job interview at eleven AM. Not a problem, I suppose, and for some reason I literally broke into tears when I heard it. I don't know why, though some of my theories are less savory than others--do I genuinely not WANT to work? Why should I be upset if it takes time I would otherwise perhaps use unwisely?--but I got over that. I have a fairly strong feeling I'll succeed in the interview; I only have to convince them I'm worth rehiring. (I worked at this place during the last seasonal rush. Mindless consumerism, rah rah rah.)
I do look forward to knowing I won't stay broke, but I'm not exactly broke to start with--I have about 500 USD tucked away, which is enough for a few weeks. I do need wheels, yet. That's a can of worms I hesitate to open; I have enough trouble steering myself, let alone a ton of steel going at 60 mph. I also tend to be looser with my money than perhaps I should be--but now that someone significant in my life has their school loan, I may be able to save up.
I think I'm unhappy in my relationship.
I don't know what prompted me to say that. I know I'm far more sexual in nature than my significant other, and it worries me that their body treats them as it does sometimes. But at some fundamental level, I don't know if that's it. I can't pin it down, either. I love the person very, very much. Of this I am certain. But I feel...
Well, I don't want to say 'Shackled'. I might enjoy that, one day; I certainly haven't tried it. I think the more accurate phrasing is 'assumed'. I feel... well, I feel kind of--not NEGLECTED, to be certain, but... assumed. Assumed to be there, assumed to be okay with whatever they want, assumed to be fine with a life I may not be ready for or want.
Why am I writing this?
Okay, what am I so scared of? So I might get a decent job, and it might be a few years before I can seriously consider college. So I might not be able to purchase and practice keyboarding (Musical, mind) or sketching. I wasn't doing those things anyway. ...even if I often want to. So I might only know full sexual contact with one human being my entire life. So I might grow dull and uninteresting. So I might become a standard guy from this country, dull, slow-witted, fat, two point five kids, two cars, with--
I'm shaking. I'm physically shaking, although it seems to be receding now.
Is a GOOD LIFE so terrifying, me? Remember what it was almost like--no home, no roof, no friends, no dreams. You could have had that! Be grateful!
...I don't dance as much as I used to. I don't sing. There's always someone around. I don't write as much as I used to. I don't draw. I don't even play sexually online with people who I care deeply about, which I used to do and enjoy, and I feel like something in me is dying.
What in god's name is wrong with me?
Maybe a good night's sleep will clear my head.
I do look forward to knowing I won't stay broke, but I'm not exactly broke to start with--I have about 500 USD tucked away, which is enough for a few weeks. I do need wheels, yet. That's a can of worms I hesitate to open; I have enough trouble steering myself, let alone a ton of steel going at 60 mph. I also tend to be looser with my money than perhaps I should be--but now that someone significant in my life has their school loan, I may be able to save up.
I think I'm unhappy in my relationship.
I don't know what prompted me to say that. I know I'm far more sexual in nature than my significant other, and it worries me that their body treats them as it does sometimes. But at some fundamental level, I don't know if that's it. I can't pin it down, either. I love the person very, very much. Of this I am certain. But I feel...
Well, I don't want to say 'Shackled'. I might enjoy that, one day; I certainly haven't tried it. I think the more accurate phrasing is 'assumed'. I feel... well, I feel kind of--not NEGLECTED, to be certain, but... assumed. Assumed to be there, assumed to be okay with whatever they want, assumed to be fine with a life I may not be ready for or want.
Why am I writing this?
Okay, what am I so scared of? So I might get a decent job, and it might be a few years before I can seriously consider college. So I might not be able to purchase and practice keyboarding (Musical, mind) or sketching. I wasn't doing those things anyway. ...even if I often want to. So I might only know full sexual contact with one human being my entire life. So I might grow dull and uninteresting. So I might become a standard guy from this country, dull, slow-witted, fat, two point five kids, two cars, with--
I'm shaking. I'm physically shaking, although it seems to be receding now.
Is a GOOD LIFE so terrifying, me? Remember what it was almost like--no home, no roof, no friends, no dreams. You could have had that! Be grateful!
...I don't dance as much as I used to. I don't sing. There's always someone around. I don't write as much as I used to. I don't draw. I don't even play sexually online with people who I care deeply about, which I used to do and enjoy, and I feel like something in me is dying.
What in god's name is wrong with me?
Maybe a good night's sleep will clear my head.
I get what you're saying by the whole "assumed" thing, and can admit that I have now or then fell victim to assuming what you said myself, of you two just being together. But really, if you feel that way, maybe you should talk about it with Dyz? She's a very bright girl and the stories you tell me of how understanding and awesome she can be, she deserves to hear the truth from you hun. I mean, maybe all you need is something to spice things back up, or a little time to talk with a professional. I don't claim to know the answer there as I myself am single but it's the best I can think of.
As for the job, yes it can be intimidating, very. But, the barebones fact right now is that the economy is in the tank and isn't going to improve any time soon, so you need a bit of income flowing. Then you can gain more stability, get a car, get to college, you'll have some place concrete you can -go- if things get bad, you'll have a steady home base so to say.
And as for the whole sexual thing, hun, let me be honest with you here- nervousness and stress, they are phenominal sex drive killers. So I think your culprit is right there for that one.
Either way, look at where you are now. You've come a long way from where you started, now you just have to keep moving ahead, no time to rest on your laurels yet, make your move to be able to support yourself, and of course others, but yourself first and foremost. I've confidence you'll be able to manage this, and become your own, self-sufficient individual engaged in a relationship with the one you ideally deserve.
You two don't need an overhaul, just to stop and talk about things. It's the fundamental base of any relationship; keeping open communication.