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Journal #1: Intro, a brief history, current state and hopes.
11 years ago
(A warning, I am not the best writer in terms of grammar, punctuation, syntax, proper prose in writing, and other fundamentals of writing either in the causal or the academic sense. Please bear with me as I attempt to learn how to write properly as I continue to write, I use Microsoft Word 2010 to write, then I copy/paste to FA, so some of the errors are caught by the software, thankies berry muchsies <3)
Greetings, salutations, hello, hiya, and welcome to my journals. In these communications I will attempt to share my feelings, my thoughts, what is going on in my life, and whatever else tickles my fancy. In this first journal I will tell you about myself, the life I have lived, how I am now, what I am involved with and what I hope and wish to have in the future.
First of all, I guess I should tell you my name, I am Amethyst Apple (yes, that is my main pony OC’s name, but I identify with him more than I have ever the person and name I was born with and have lived as. If my ABDL momma Rene (Ryan) did not advise me not to do it, I would legally change my name to Amethyst Apple.) I am a gay thirty six year old man who is single (no I am not, nor would I ever use this or any forum to try to “pick up guys”, besides if that was even a possibility, I would clam up instantly and become as silent as the audience after Rarity tries to tell a joke. (I am a very, very shy colt.)
Most of my past can be read in the following Google doc link, it is a short biography of my pre MLP:FIM life, it was written about a year and a half ago and much has changed since its writing.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/.....Y-iBht53w/edit
So, after some time had passed and by chance or maybe it was planned for me, I somehow (sadly I do not remember how I first met momma) met a person named Sterling Pinion http://overzealousfancolt.deviantart.com/ on Skype. We talked for a few weeks and I learned that he was ABDL. I had no clue as to what that was I had never heard of such a thing. The idea intrigued me and I started to do some research on what ABDL was. As I read more and more about it, read the stories of those who are ABDL, the lives they had lived, the difficulties they had prior to discovering their true selves and that they have some of the same fears and feelings I myself have. I talked with Sterling for a few weeks more about what it is to be ABDL (I know I may be phrasing that wrong) and I slowly transitioned from the stallion I was before, to the colt that I feel I was always meant to be or at least I was never allowed to be when I was that age IRL. Eventually he asked me if he could be my IRL ABDL momma. I cried with happiness as I said yes and we have moved forward as mare and colt since then. There have been a few bumps in the road, a few misunderstandings and many tears from my own insecurities, guilt, shame and other bad feelings that I live with due to my past. I love him so very, very much and I treasure who and what he is not only as my momma, but also as the person he is inside, his personality, his values, his outlook on life, his natural drive to get things done that must be done, and that no matter what he is there for his friends and family (both IRL and ABDL.)
Yes, I know that it sounds like I am writing some teenaged love letter to my “crush”, but I do not love momma in that way. There was a time that I had thought that I was “in love” with momma in the romantic or sexual sense, but those feeling were misplaced and misidentified. Through careful and thoughtful examination of my feelings, his feelings and that kind of stuff I came to realize that I do love him, but it is a pure love that is reserved for how a child would feel for his or her parent (I know that he is not my actual mother or father, meaning that he did not create me in the biological sense, nor did he marry the person who created me.) Come to think of it perhaps he did create me in a manner of speaking, perhaps he helped create or I should say give re-birth to the person I was when I was a real little boy, helping me find and bring out from that dark lonely place filled with nothing but darkness, fear, sadness, anger, hate, resentment and so much terrible emotional pain.
Now to get on a happier tone, in spending time with momma, I came to learn that he had feelings for a very special somepony named “Wise” that he had known for some time. At first I was a little jealous, but that faded quickly and I accepted that as I should have from the beginning that momma wanted or needed real life companionship, a kind that I would be unable and unworthy to supply. After a little bit I spoke to “Wise” myself and he had a delightful personality I liked him, he was funny and silly. At the time I had a colt friend named “Vivid” and it was nice for a while, but he was too young (19) and far too immature for the serious long term relationship I was looking for and need. We lasted a few months and recently I was dumped by him (it was for the best, he needs to grow up and evaluate and maybe learn what “Love” really is in my opinion.) The reason I bring up “Vivid” is that through him I got for the first time in my life a “daddie.” (Again I know that it is not real life, only role play and such, perhaps in the long distant future that might change is some way?) I know that I have a biological father, but I never met him and I have a stepfather, but I do not like or care for him in any way (that is explained why in the Google Doc link above.) “Vivid had asked “Wise” to be our daddie (without asking me about that) that was a little off putting to me at first, but then I talked with momma about “wise” being my daddie, then I spoke to “Wise” and nervously accept him into my life, I haven’t regretted that decision for even a millisecond since then. Daddie is very kind, wise and supportive of his little colt and I treasure the time he spends telling me bedtime stories or doing changes of my dipey (online text)
As for the future, I hope to get the job I interviewed for at McDonalds two hours ago, I hope to one day maybe become an ABDL daddie or momma myself and maybe just maybe one day live in the same place as momma and daddie, making us a true family (I know that the decision to do that is not mine to make and that it not only depends on both momma and daddie maybe becoming the type of partners who live with each other, maybe married legally, but also on me proving that I can and will be useful in the regard of paying my own way and contributing to the household my time, money and honest true self.) I hope to further develop my furrsona “Kara” who is a sissy Caracal kitten/cat. I hope to try to improve my artistic skill by practicing and not looking at all of you truly wonder artists, seeing your very good and wonderful works of art and saying to myself “These are so perfectly done, I will never be this good, so I might as well give up.”
That is all I have to say in this Journal, if you should have any questions, comments (good or bad) or concerns that you wish to discuss, feel free to make your comment. No matter what I will always answer back with courtesy, respect, compassion and truthful honesty, thank you and have a very pleasant morning, afternoon and evening.
Greetings, salutations, hello, hiya, and welcome to my journals. In these communications I will attempt to share my feelings, my thoughts, what is going on in my life, and whatever else tickles my fancy. In this first journal I will tell you about myself, the life I have lived, how I am now, what I am involved with and what I hope and wish to have in the future.
First of all, I guess I should tell you my name, I am Amethyst Apple (yes, that is my main pony OC’s name, but I identify with him more than I have ever the person and name I was born with and have lived as. If my ABDL momma Rene (Ryan) did not advise me not to do it, I would legally change my name to Amethyst Apple.) I am a gay thirty six year old man who is single (no I am not, nor would I ever use this or any forum to try to “pick up guys”, besides if that was even a possibility, I would clam up instantly and become as silent as the audience after Rarity tries to tell a joke. (I am a very, very shy colt.)
Most of my past can be read in the following Google doc link, it is a short biography of my pre MLP:FIM life, it was written about a year and a half ago and much has changed since its writing.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/.....Y-iBht53w/edit
So, after some time had passed and by chance or maybe it was planned for me, I somehow (sadly I do not remember how I first met momma) met a person named Sterling Pinion http://overzealousfancolt.deviantart.com/ on Skype. We talked for a few weeks and I learned that he was ABDL. I had no clue as to what that was I had never heard of such a thing. The idea intrigued me and I started to do some research on what ABDL was. As I read more and more about it, read the stories of those who are ABDL, the lives they had lived, the difficulties they had prior to discovering their true selves and that they have some of the same fears and feelings I myself have. I talked with Sterling for a few weeks more about what it is to be ABDL (I know I may be phrasing that wrong) and I slowly transitioned from the stallion I was before, to the colt that I feel I was always meant to be or at least I was never allowed to be when I was that age IRL. Eventually he asked me if he could be my IRL ABDL momma. I cried with happiness as I said yes and we have moved forward as mare and colt since then. There have been a few bumps in the road, a few misunderstandings and many tears from my own insecurities, guilt, shame and other bad feelings that I live with due to my past. I love him so very, very much and I treasure who and what he is not only as my momma, but also as the person he is inside, his personality, his values, his outlook on life, his natural drive to get things done that must be done, and that no matter what he is there for his friends and family (both IRL and ABDL.)
Yes, I know that it sounds like I am writing some teenaged love letter to my “crush”, but I do not love momma in that way. There was a time that I had thought that I was “in love” with momma in the romantic or sexual sense, but those feeling were misplaced and misidentified. Through careful and thoughtful examination of my feelings, his feelings and that kind of stuff I came to realize that I do love him, but it is a pure love that is reserved for how a child would feel for his or her parent (I know that he is not my actual mother or father, meaning that he did not create me in the biological sense, nor did he marry the person who created me.) Come to think of it perhaps he did create me in a manner of speaking, perhaps he helped create or I should say give re-birth to the person I was when I was a real little boy, helping me find and bring out from that dark lonely place filled with nothing but darkness, fear, sadness, anger, hate, resentment and so much terrible emotional pain.
Now to get on a happier tone, in spending time with momma, I came to learn that he had feelings for a very special somepony named “Wise” that he had known for some time. At first I was a little jealous, but that faded quickly and I accepted that as I should have from the beginning that momma wanted or needed real life companionship, a kind that I would be unable and unworthy to supply. After a little bit I spoke to “Wise” myself and he had a delightful personality I liked him, he was funny and silly. At the time I had a colt friend named “Vivid” and it was nice for a while, but he was too young (19) and far too immature for the serious long term relationship I was looking for and need. We lasted a few months and recently I was dumped by him (it was for the best, he needs to grow up and evaluate and maybe learn what “Love” really is in my opinion.) The reason I bring up “Vivid” is that through him I got for the first time in my life a “daddie.” (Again I know that it is not real life, only role play and such, perhaps in the long distant future that might change is some way?) I know that I have a biological father, but I never met him and I have a stepfather, but I do not like or care for him in any way (that is explained why in the Google Doc link above.) “Vivid had asked “Wise” to be our daddie (without asking me about that) that was a little off putting to me at first, but then I talked with momma about “wise” being my daddie, then I spoke to “Wise” and nervously accept him into my life, I haven’t regretted that decision for even a millisecond since then. Daddie is very kind, wise and supportive of his little colt and I treasure the time he spends telling me bedtime stories or doing changes of my dipey (online text)
As for the future, I hope to get the job I interviewed for at McDonalds two hours ago, I hope to one day maybe become an ABDL daddie or momma myself and maybe just maybe one day live in the same place as momma and daddie, making us a true family (I know that the decision to do that is not mine to make and that it not only depends on both momma and daddie maybe becoming the type of partners who live with each other, maybe married legally, but also on me proving that I can and will be useful in the regard of paying my own way and contributing to the household my time, money and honest true self.) I hope to further develop my furrsona “Kara” who is a sissy Caracal kitten/cat. I hope to try to improve my artistic skill by practicing and not looking at all of you truly wonder artists, seeing your very good and wonderful works of art and saying to myself “These are so perfectly done, I will never be this good, so I might as well give up.”
That is all I have to say in this Journal, if you should have any questions, comments (good or bad) or concerns that you wish to discuss, feel free to make your comment. No matter what I will always answer back with courtesy, respect, compassion and truthful honesty, thank you and have a very pleasant morning, afternoon and evening.
