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An Emotional Wreck
11 years ago
General
For the past week i have been so damn emotionally unbalanced its not even funny.
I cant even count the number of times I have broken down and just started crying. Be it at work or on the drive home or in my room.
my heart is pained with sadness thats been pent up for just over 6 years now, thats a long time to hold sadness in, and that sadness has now over flown its banks.
where to start? well the best place is in the beginning i guess.
(There may be a number of misused words, or words that do not fit within the sentence this is due to me dictating this to my computer and the computer trying to understand between my sobs)
(Disclaimer: The writer of this journal is in tears, but he caused this pain on himself by no fault of anyone herein. If you dont like sad stories, or listening or reading something that's you may consider boring or uninteresting. please close this journal page.
A number of years ago I was in love with someone I would have given my life for. (A love that when near your heart sang out in joy, he/she would speak and the tone of his/er voice would make you melt.) We talked all the time, both of us made one another happy.
In 07 he told me we where going to go to FC ( my very first con ever ) I had the greatest time of my life there ( did some stupid things while there but thats to be expected ^.^ ) thou most of that Con was missed as we spent more time at Home then over at the DoubleTree. :P
That week we went to a restaurant and sat down for dinner, a very good one, I still remember what I had it was a steak with greens and potato's. what happened next I remember with a great deal of detail. My love purposed to me, my heart fluttered to a near stop, as I felt like i was floating and dizzy all at the same time. my breath stopped.... over and Over in my head I cried out to tell him yes. YES. ... but i couldnt make the words form.. I never truly gave him my answer. (breathes) the next day i ended up flying out and heading back to canada, still having not truly told him.
Over the next few months even thou i was still always talking to him and tell him how my days were and asking him how he was holding up making sure everything was ok. another was as well talking to me from the sidelines. Someone that manipulated me, placing thoughts in my head, In short this is where I fucked up and screwed something that was the best thing to ever happen to me, without talking to my Love first i posted a journal (here on FA) 6 years ago, saying I was confused and that I was unsure of what to do, that I was going to break it off with my love, (without even giving him the Decency of a proper explanation as to why I was doing this) this is why I say I messed up so badly, what I did was cruel. I ended up going to meet the other individual which would never have worked to begin with, almost as fast as it had started and ended with them as well. But I was too scared to try to contact my alpha because of how much I had hurt him, I knew that he couldn't forgive me for what I had done.
Over the next few years all I did was punish myself for what I had done, I had tried relationships but all of that ended up failing because I would judge those relationships by how My alpha made me feel,And no one was ever able to come close to how I felt when I was around him. Which was not fair to the others so I made a vow I would not get into a relationship because I didn't want to hurt, but I didn't want to have those around me hurt as well. I have what you call a companionship ( basically a fancy word for friends with benefits, but with a lot more compassion)
Six years later, almost 7 years down the road here I am today. Last week Wednesday I was cleaning up my room because I'm actually in the midst of moving out and moving to another city. I came across the rings that my alpha had presented to me that night, it almost floored me as I had to sit down as I started to cry remembering what I lost and how I screwed up enough to lose it. All those years I had never been able to forgive myself for what I had done, I continued to punish myself. Looking at the rings in my hand feeling the tears streaming down my face, I set up to go to the computer, even though it had been so many years I still had a way of contacting my alpha.
Looking at the computer his named icon was green telling me that he was online,I promptly messaged him asking him how he was doing seeing if he was okay knowing that I can't expect anything as he was happy now in a relationship with another that he has been in a relationship for a Number of years now. And I'm honestly happy for him that he has somebody to love as much as it hurts me, he deserves the happiness. I messaged him to find out how he was doing I found out from him that he had forgiven me for what I had done many many years ago. He told me to stop punishing myself, but how does one stop punishing himself when he caused pain to begin with.
So for the last week now since I've been in contact with alpha, talking to him being able to actually hear his voice again talking about old times fun times laughing at jokes, for me it's a way of healing to know that he doesn't hate me.But it doesn't make it any easier. So yeah this past week I have been Emotional wreck, I haven't cried this much since my father passed away. It's not a pleasant feeling it hurts your heart pains the soul wants to cry out to scream at you.
A very good friend of mine told me this today: "You still wear the rings around your neck, then wear them for a while, then when you can think about it and smile, it's time to take them off and put them away again. It will take time. You will lie in the dark At night and ask yourself why....And cry... but in time the pain will lessen. Now take one happy moment from when you were with him. Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened. Take one good memory of day and take a minute... remember it, cherish it, smile and put it away." -My friend Joelyne
And so my closing of this journal is this, even though we are not together I will always love you, you've always had my heart and I thank you for forgiving me even though I don't deserve it even though you've told me to stop punishing myself and to be happy. It's very hard not to. But at least that healing can begin. Thank you my alpha for being your kind self, I will forever be your puppymine. Now before I start crying even more I should probably go get myself a coffee
Closing post:
The only reason why I have not mentioned Names within this journal, Is because the people who are a part of this journal already know who they are.I needed to post this journal to get this off my chest this is my way of trying to release the sadness. The pain and the sadness solely within this journal was caused by myself those that I Had hurt in the past, I am truly sorry.
Truly yours
Koda Otter the once white wolf
I cant even count the number of times I have broken down and just started crying. Be it at work or on the drive home or in my room.
my heart is pained with sadness thats been pent up for just over 6 years now, thats a long time to hold sadness in, and that sadness has now over flown its banks.
where to start? well the best place is in the beginning i guess.
(There may be a number of misused words, or words that do not fit within the sentence this is due to me dictating this to my computer and the computer trying to understand between my sobs)
(Disclaimer: The writer of this journal is in tears, but he caused this pain on himself by no fault of anyone herein. If you dont like sad stories, or listening or reading something that's you may consider boring or uninteresting. please close this journal page.
A number of years ago I was in love with someone I would have given my life for. (A love that when near your heart sang out in joy, he/she would speak and the tone of his/er voice would make you melt.) We talked all the time, both of us made one another happy.
In 07 he told me we where going to go to FC ( my very first con ever ) I had the greatest time of my life there ( did some stupid things while there but thats to be expected ^.^ ) thou most of that Con was missed as we spent more time at Home then over at the DoubleTree. :P
That week we went to a restaurant and sat down for dinner, a very good one, I still remember what I had it was a steak with greens and potato's. what happened next I remember with a great deal of detail. My love purposed to me, my heart fluttered to a near stop, as I felt like i was floating and dizzy all at the same time. my breath stopped.... over and Over in my head I cried out to tell him yes. YES. ... but i couldnt make the words form.. I never truly gave him my answer. (breathes) the next day i ended up flying out and heading back to canada, still having not truly told him.
Over the next few months even thou i was still always talking to him and tell him how my days were and asking him how he was holding up making sure everything was ok. another was as well talking to me from the sidelines. Someone that manipulated me, placing thoughts in my head, In short this is where I fucked up and screwed something that was the best thing to ever happen to me, without talking to my Love first i posted a journal (here on FA) 6 years ago, saying I was confused and that I was unsure of what to do, that I was going to break it off with my love, (without even giving him the Decency of a proper explanation as to why I was doing this) this is why I say I messed up so badly, what I did was cruel. I ended up going to meet the other individual which would never have worked to begin with, almost as fast as it had started and ended with them as well. But I was too scared to try to contact my alpha because of how much I had hurt him, I knew that he couldn't forgive me for what I had done.
Over the next few years all I did was punish myself for what I had done, I had tried relationships but all of that ended up failing because I would judge those relationships by how My alpha made me feel,And no one was ever able to come close to how I felt when I was around him. Which was not fair to the others so I made a vow I would not get into a relationship because I didn't want to hurt, but I didn't want to have those around me hurt as well. I have what you call a companionship ( basically a fancy word for friends with benefits, but with a lot more compassion)
Six years later, almost 7 years down the road here I am today. Last week Wednesday I was cleaning up my room because I'm actually in the midst of moving out and moving to another city. I came across the rings that my alpha had presented to me that night, it almost floored me as I had to sit down as I started to cry remembering what I lost and how I screwed up enough to lose it. All those years I had never been able to forgive myself for what I had done, I continued to punish myself. Looking at the rings in my hand feeling the tears streaming down my face, I set up to go to the computer, even though it had been so many years I still had a way of contacting my alpha.
Looking at the computer his named icon was green telling me that he was online,I promptly messaged him asking him how he was doing seeing if he was okay knowing that I can't expect anything as he was happy now in a relationship with another that he has been in a relationship for a Number of years now. And I'm honestly happy for him that he has somebody to love as much as it hurts me, he deserves the happiness. I messaged him to find out how he was doing I found out from him that he had forgiven me for what I had done many many years ago. He told me to stop punishing myself, but how does one stop punishing himself when he caused pain to begin with.
So for the last week now since I've been in contact with alpha, talking to him being able to actually hear his voice again talking about old times fun times laughing at jokes, for me it's a way of healing to know that he doesn't hate me.But it doesn't make it any easier. So yeah this past week I have been Emotional wreck, I haven't cried this much since my father passed away. It's not a pleasant feeling it hurts your heart pains the soul wants to cry out to scream at you.
A very good friend of mine told me this today: "You still wear the rings around your neck, then wear them for a while, then when you can think about it and smile, it's time to take them off and put them away again. It will take time. You will lie in the dark At night and ask yourself why....And cry... but in time the pain will lessen. Now take one happy moment from when you were with him. Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened. Take one good memory of day and take a minute... remember it, cherish it, smile and put it away." -My friend Joelyne
And so my closing of this journal is this, even though we are not together I will always love you, you've always had my heart and I thank you for forgiving me even though I don't deserve it even though you've told me to stop punishing myself and to be happy. It's very hard not to. But at least that healing can begin. Thank you my alpha for being your kind self, I will forever be your puppymine. Now before I start crying even more I should probably go get myself a coffee
Closing post:
The only reason why I have not mentioned Names within this journal, Is because the people who are a part of this journal already know who they are.I needed to post this journal to get this off my chest this is my way of trying to release the sadness. The pain and the sadness solely within this journal was caused by myself those that I Had hurt in the past, I am truly sorry.
Truly yours
Koda Otter the once white wolf
anyways Thanks Duffy ^.^ * hugs*