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A self reflective journal
11 years ago
It's really interesting that in a short span of time, what life suddenly gives you in form of lesson, and revelation.
And the outing I had today was a result of that. It has kind of led me to think about the past that I held onto, and why it has led me to be somewhat reclusive within my local fandom, and why it made me become the person I am today. I shall take this opportunity to sort of revisit my past, and confront it.
The things I used to do for the local community had been with intent of seeing the community bond together, and become a second family. But at the same time, my mind was also getting clouded with selfish thoughts, ones that wished for recognition for the things that I did, and sacrifices I had to make for a community that didn't seem to appreciate it. Eventually, after a long, hard internal struggle with myself, I decided to test friendships by removing myself from the community, under the guise of focusing on my own life, while actually being very bitter, jaded, and upset at the community.
I blamed it for hurting me, using my intents, without really realizing that the things that I have said sounded very self-righteous, selfish, and to some part egotistical. No amount of apology will be able to set right the hurt that I've done, and I don't truly expect those who have been hurt by the things I have said, or the actions that I have done to accept me as a friend. In fact, I expect people to dislike, hate or turn a cold shoulder to me, as it should be. If that is the way that I should be reminded of the stupid things I've done in the past, I accept it. And I'm typing this journal out not to cull favor or ask for remorse, because I accept that I am a person with flaws, and that as a younger individual, I have said and done things that I now look back, and realize that what is happening now is due to my past catching onto me. I take this opportunity to apologize to those who I have offended, and that I do not blame you at all, if you still wish to turn a cold shoulder to me, as that is what I deserve, and I accept that outcome.
That said, this journal is not about mulling over the past, but reflecting on it. Friendships come and go, and it's part of life. As said previously, no amount of apology will set things right, but I look forward to the future without hesitation, and accept the present as it is the result of my past. What carries on now is my will to push on into the future without regrets, and if it requires me to look onward in firmness and resolution, then I shall do so. But I will do so now by stating that I am, a person with flaws. I know I can never be perfect to those who seek my friendship, and that there will be those who will shun me for my flaws. But I accept it willingly, because I am not perfect.
I don't want to hide behind any fancy facades or any kind of self-righteous bullshit I used to pull, and state upfront that I am messed up as a person, and have no right to judge people based on their actions. If their actions toward me is unfavorable, then so be it. I will attempt to tame my wild impulsive side, and push myself to learn from being judgemental, and try learn to control my emotions. I may not succeed, but I will try. Or rather, I am already trying. But I can't do that without first accepting the fact that I have flaws.
Which is why I took the opportunity to write here as this is where I should put this journal up to remind myself of the lesson I have learnt. From this day onwards, I will no longer post up on Facebook or Twitter, because those mediums have served as a temptation for me to post up my first impulsive thoughts, which are often judgemental and often offensive. I think I have burdened people who have followed me long enough with my judgemental and self-righteous thoughts, and I should spare people of the stuff that goes on in my head.
So, to the past that I had never been able to let go, it is time for me to say farewell. By revisiting it today, and closing the chapter of my past, I will now attempt to better the present, so that my future will be clearer, better, and hopefully brighter.
And to the lessons of the past, thank you. But now, it is time for me to move on and attempt to becoming a better person, for the people I can still care for and be a friend for.
~yarfers
And the outing I had today was a result of that. It has kind of led me to think about the past that I held onto, and why it has led me to be somewhat reclusive within my local fandom, and why it made me become the person I am today. I shall take this opportunity to sort of revisit my past, and confront it.
The things I used to do for the local community had been with intent of seeing the community bond together, and become a second family. But at the same time, my mind was also getting clouded with selfish thoughts, ones that wished for recognition for the things that I did, and sacrifices I had to make for a community that didn't seem to appreciate it. Eventually, after a long, hard internal struggle with myself, I decided to test friendships by removing myself from the community, under the guise of focusing on my own life, while actually being very bitter, jaded, and upset at the community.
I blamed it for hurting me, using my intents, without really realizing that the things that I have said sounded very self-righteous, selfish, and to some part egotistical. No amount of apology will be able to set right the hurt that I've done, and I don't truly expect those who have been hurt by the things I have said, or the actions that I have done to accept me as a friend. In fact, I expect people to dislike, hate or turn a cold shoulder to me, as it should be. If that is the way that I should be reminded of the stupid things I've done in the past, I accept it. And I'm typing this journal out not to cull favor or ask for remorse, because I accept that I am a person with flaws, and that as a younger individual, I have said and done things that I now look back, and realize that what is happening now is due to my past catching onto me. I take this opportunity to apologize to those who I have offended, and that I do not blame you at all, if you still wish to turn a cold shoulder to me, as that is what I deserve, and I accept that outcome.
That said, this journal is not about mulling over the past, but reflecting on it. Friendships come and go, and it's part of life. As said previously, no amount of apology will set things right, but I look forward to the future without hesitation, and accept the present as it is the result of my past. What carries on now is my will to push on into the future without regrets, and if it requires me to look onward in firmness and resolution, then I shall do so. But I will do so now by stating that I am, a person with flaws. I know I can never be perfect to those who seek my friendship, and that there will be those who will shun me for my flaws. But I accept it willingly, because I am not perfect.
I don't want to hide behind any fancy facades or any kind of self-righteous bullshit I used to pull, and state upfront that I am messed up as a person, and have no right to judge people based on their actions. If their actions toward me is unfavorable, then so be it. I will attempt to tame my wild impulsive side, and push myself to learn from being judgemental, and try learn to control my emotions. I may not succeed, but I will try. Or rather, I am already trying. But I can't do that without first accepting the fact that I have flaws.
Which is why I took the opportunity to write here as this is where I should put this journal up to remind myself of the lesson I have learnt. From this day onwards, I will no longer post up on Facebook or Twitter, because those mediums have served as a temptation for me to post up my first impulsive thoughts, which are often judgemental and often offensive. I think I have burdened people who have followed me long enough with my judgemental and self-righteous thoughts, and I should spare people of the stuff that goes on in my head.
So, to the past that I had never been able to let go, it is time for me to say farewell. By revisiting it today, and closing the chapter of my past, I will now attempt to better the present, so that my future will be clearer, better, and hopefully brighter.
And to the lessons of the past, thank you. But now, it is time for me to move on and attempt to becoming a better person, for the people I can still care for and be a friend for.
~yarfers
You've always been a decent person to me. While you've been a little distant that's fine because life carries you towards people or away from them some times. The best you can do is make the best of the times you connect with others, and hopefully use whatever positive comes from it to help you become a better person. I guess what I'm saying is don't let stuff in the past get to you so much. Don't lose sight of the positive effect you've had on people.
People either get that you're human, and love you despite the times you hurt them because the times you're awesome to them more than make up for it or they miss out on someone who cares so much about being the best friend and person they can be. You're sincere. You really do mean that you want to be better despite yourself. You've owned up to your mistakes. In my book you're already ahead of the game, and should maybe stop expecting the impossible from yourself, and instead recognize that you've already learned how to be a decent human being.
From here on out it's just a matter of refining your awesomeness. <3
But it sounds like you're someone capable of deep reflections of your own actions and motives, so you are quite capable of moving upwards from here.
If you don't mind me prognosticating, www.freedomainradio.com is a fine resource full of stuff that you might find useful.
I also wouldn't mind chatting with ya, if you want to talk.