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I wish she understood
11 years ago
Listening to my mom gripe about stupid things when they're important to me for what seems to me obvious reasons. I went to check a message on etsy about my newly commissioned doll, I just made the first payment last night. She was throwing a bitch fit about me being on my laptop when she didn't even have all her yard sale shit ready to go. Meanwhile I had already grabbed a few things and brought them out. I called it good. I get so tired of her bitching that im on my laptop, when she doesn't even listen to me when I do talk to her. I brought up the doll money multiple times yesterday and right before we left I told her the exact amount I go to work and get done and she's like you didn't tell me how much to put on the card. (Because once again she over-drew her bank account) She does the same shit with just about everything. Then she even has the nerve to bitch at me to carry boxes of her shit. Because im totally gonna walk out the door without taking shit. She was bitching about my sister waiting until the last minute to ask us. bitching about not going yardsaling. AND THEN THEN MY DOLL!
Ok, so Yeah I imagine if someone is reading this they're thinking well it is just a doll. It's not. I'm paying a lot of money to have a custom doll made of my cat that died years ago. It's important to me, because we have very little of her in pictures. Eventually I might not ever get to see her again once my grandmother's farm is sold. ....it's not just that. What happened to me when I was younger, effected my photographic memory to the point I don't really have a memory at all now. I don't want to forget her. I'm afraid to.
My mother doesn't understand this, and she compares me to herself because what happened to her was worse. But... I pushed what happened to me away for years. The councilor thought I might have PTSD, but I stopped going being I was talking over and over about the same thing happening and it was what little I could remember. It just got old and it didn't do anything for me for a couple of months. She always does this crap comparing me to other people. "Your sister is all talk, you are too." Um, no. If I'm talking about kicking some ass, 75% of the time I'm going to get up and do it. "How come you need to go to counciling I didn't." "Your room looks like my boyfriends daughters" Why do I care? hell why do you care? You put your shit in my room but expect it to be sparkling clean and neat when your own room isn't and we haven't had a yard sale in years? Besides that I clean my room, what mess there is is clean chaos. I have an area strictly for my art/plushes, a hamper for my winter clothes. and that's pretty much it. I'm nothing like his daughter or my sister or anyone else. I am ME. ME got up and got a job, me keeps my room decent enough with the space and lack of being able to giveaway or sell things. ME is scared. ME is no one else but ME.
Recently, I had a relapse with my dermatillomania. I'm back to wearing band-aids because I picked the skin around my cuticles so bad that it's tender/red. I'm thinking about starting to wear mittens again so they'll heal, it's not as bad as some cases but im getting really tired of constantly picking at them because the skin is rough or sub-consciously doing it. I just learned what it actually was this year when I be-friended a person with Trichotillomania I talked to after reading an article about it and realizing I similar symptoms. Describing how I felt, before, during and after picking. And from what I remembered on when I started. I originally started just chewing my nails around testing time. Then I was doing both, chewing my nails and cuticles. I learned the chewing of my nails mainly happened because I wanted them perfect, growing them out they had a habit of chipping and breaking. That's when I started trimming them. I no longer chew them. However I've become accustomed to using the clippers to try and groom my dead skin of my cuticles. Using tools is bad >.< The only way I've found that decreases the tendancy to bite, dig/tear and clip is to work often, wear band-aids or gloves.
I do really well in the winter, the skin grows back and heals but then I get a hang-nail or flaking cuticles and im back at it, I wanna stop but its hard to sometimes even when I am picking. I can literally sit for minutes on end picking them, sometimes hours if im watching tv. As I speak im currently wearing three bandaids and the feeling is at bay for the need to continue. My mom doesn't understand this either. She says to stop. to sit on my hands. When that's not how it works. I don't like seeing my fingers tore up, bleeding, bandaged or feeling the pain when sweat or other things (at say work) get into the wounds. If I could stop, if I could find some way to I would. Im not doing it for attention. I do it because it makes me feel better.
Im really, really tired of her not caring about me. She's supposed to be my mom but she's too worried about my money and other people to care about what's really going on inside my head. Not that its anything new, we haven't been close for a long time. It's not that I haven't tried to be, she expects me to drop whatever im doing to do things with her. But if I ask I have to wait. That's not how it works. especially all the time.
Ok, so Yeah I imagine if someone is reading this they're thinking well it is just a doll. It's not. I'm paying a lot of money to have a custom doll made of my cat that died years ago. It's important to me, because we have very little of her in pictures. Eventually I might not ever get to see her again once my grandmother's farm is sold. ....it's not just that. What happened to me when I was younger, effected my photographic memory to the point I don't really have a memory at all now. I don't want to forget her. I'm afraid to.
My mother doesn't understand this, and she compares me to herself because what happened to her was worse. But... I pushed what happened to me away for years. The councilor thought I might have PTSD, but I stopped going being I was talking over and over about the same thing happening and it was what little I could remember. It just got old and it didn't do anything for me for a couple of months. She always does this crap comparing me to other people. "Your sister is all talk, you are too." Um, no. If I'm talking about kicking some ass, 75% of the time I'm going to get up and do it. "How come you need to go to counciling I didn't." "Your room looks like my boyfriends daughters" Why do I care? hell why do you care? You put your shit in my room but expect it to be sparkling clean and neat when your own room isn't and we haven't had a yard sale in years? Besides that I clean my room, what mess there is is clean chaos. I have an area strictly for my art/plushes, a hamper for my winter clothes. and that's pretty much it. I'm nothing like his daughter or my sister or anyone else. I am ME. ME got up and got a job, me keeps my room decent enough with the space and lack of being able to giveaway or sell things. ME is scared. ME is no one else but ME.
Recently, I had a relapse with my dermatillomania. I'm back to wearing band-aids because I picked the skin around my cuticles so bad that it's tender/red. I'm thinking about starting to wear mittens again so they'll heal, it's not as bad as some cases but im getting really tired of constantly picking at them because the skin is rough or sub-consciously doing it. I just learned what it actually was this year when I be-friended a person with Trichotillomania I talked to after reading an article about it and realizing I similar symptoms. Describing how I felt, before, during and after picking. And from what I remembered on when I started. I originally started just chewing my nails around testing time. Then I was doing both, chewing my nails and cuticles. I learned the chewing of my nails mainly happened because I wanted them perfect, growing them out they had a habit of chipping and breaking. That's when I started trimming them. I no longer chew them. However I've become accustomed to using the clippers to try and groom my dead skin of my cuticles. Using tools is bad >.< The only way I've found that decreases the tendancy to bite, dig/tear and clip is to work often, wear band-aids or gloves.
I do really well in the winter, the skin grows back and heals but then I get a hang-nail or flaking cuticles and im back at it, I wanna stop but its hard to sometimes even when I am picking. I can literally sit for minutes on end picking them, sometimes hours if im watching tv. As I speak im currently wearing three bandaids and the feeling is at bay for the need to continue. My mom doesn't understand this either. She says to stop. to sit on my hands. When that's not how it works. I don't like seeing my fingers tore up, bleeding, bandaged or feeling the pain when sweat or other things (at say work) get into the wounds. If I could stop, if I could find some way to I would. Im not doing it for attention. I do it because it makes me feel better.
Im really, really tired of her not caring about me. She's supposed to be my mom but she's too worried about my money and other people to care about what's really going on inside my head. Not that its anything new, we haven't been close for a long time. It's not that I haven't tried to be, she expects me to drop whatever im doing to do things with her. But if I ask I have to wait. That's not how it works. especially all the time.
