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like a red red rain...
11 years ago
i have... faint memories of a February day, which resulted in a massive shock to my emotional being. i've blocked it out, the best i can, but the very obvious scars bring back memories. they still hurt... no doubt i did damage, but not bad enough to bother me.
i was young. and i was stupid. and suicide was glorified through my icons and idols, but i was always against it. i remember the fight, i remember my mother leaving, and some words were said that i know i regret... i remember going into my bedroom of this little tiny home, from which i was renting a room. weeks earlier i had purchased a hunting knife, top quality, really sharp.
i sat on my bed, crying... all physical feeling leaving my body, and then everything was white. three flashes showed me what happened, then i sat there. feeling as if something had taken control of me. i looked down because my pants felt wet, they were drenched in blood. my arm, butchered open with three wildly swung slashes.
i gasped... i panicked... i grabbed the towel off the back of my door and wrapped my arm quickly and tightly. i ran out into the hallway, screaming for william... the other room mate who was also a doctor of sorts. blood wasn't dripping... the towel was holding. i told him to call 911, and to get duct tape to wrap the blanket tight. the landlords boyfriend came out of his room and saw everything, he dialed my mom, and the first thing i hear from her after she hears the news is her shrill screaming voice...WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?!
i laughed a little... and responded... "i don't think this is a good time to be yelling at me". she fell... totally silent. she was back at the house within a minute, she hadn't gotten far. she was pale, she was tired... and she was scared. she was almost quickly followed by police, who came in with guns drawn because they thought i still had the knife on me. (i had hidden it and didn't want to tell them where it was because... well i just bought the damn thing)
they cut off the duct taped towel, applied a coagulant powder and bandages, and used a blood pressure cuff to apply pressure. my blood pressure had dropped alot... no wonder, i opened up my damn arm. i sat on the gurney, in the ER, doctors waited for it to stop bleeding before they went to work. mom sat there... i don't remember the conversation we had, all i remember is that she was hungry... she hadn't eaten. i kept asking for food, and i gave it to her. i had never felt so stupid in my life.
i didn't want this.
therapists, and psychologists, and doctors abound, poking and prodding me and asking questions... i had been working a dead end job, and it was killing every part of me. i busted my ass, trying to do my best, but i couldn't keep up. and even then, my best was exhausting for me. i worked the most demeaning job ive ever had, and it didn't feel gratifying, i didn't make money... i was living off shelter food and barely making rent, i figured... well jessica can wait for her rent, i need to get something to keep me sane, something to have fun once in a while. i bought a PS2.
i was forced to return it... pay her greedy ass the money... i had no internet. i had no games... i had no TV and i had no nearby friends. all i literally did was sleep, work, and eat. i DID have a TV, but she decided that she wanted to move it back into her bedroom, so no access to it for me.
i was emotionally dying.
the doctors seemed to understand my point... i told them that this was probably the stupidest thing i've ever done... i don't want to die, i want to get out of this hell on earth.
2 and a half days in the psyche ward... grandpa visits, mom visits... i sit and watch all the fucking lunatics choke down meds, and accuse newspapers of being riddled with nano bots that record everything.
it was supposed to be a 72 hour hold. i had the option of making it voluntary or involuntary. i said... god yes... keep me here, away from that place. i got out early for good behavior... the doctors knew i wouldn't try again.
Pauline Johnson Kabe... i am so sorry you had to go through that. a part of me wishes they never called you. a part of me wishes you never knew.
but look at me now... it didn't kill me. and i'm so much stronger for it.
i'll be here... for a long time...
i was young. and i was stupid. and suicide was glorified through my icons and idols, but i was always against it. i remember the fight, i remember my mother leaving, and some words were said that i know i regret... i remember going into my bedroom of this little tiny home, from which i was renting a room. weeks earlier i had purchased a hunting knife, top quality, really sharp.
i sat on my bed, crying... all physical feeling leaving my body, and then everything was white. three flashes showed me what happened, then i sat there. feeling as if something had taken control of me. i looked down because my pants felt wet, they were drenched in blood. my arm, butchered open with three wildly swung slashes.
i gasped... i panicked... i grabbed the towel off the back of my door and wrapped my arm quickly and tightly. i ran out into the hallway, screaming for william... the other room mate who was also a doctor of sorts. blood wasn't dripping... the towel was holding. i told him to call 911, and to get duct tape to wrap the blanket tight. the landlords boyfriend came out of his room and saw everything, he dialed my mom, and the first thing i hear from her after she hears the news is her shrill screaming voice...WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?!
i laughed a little... and responded... "i don't think this is a good time to be yelling at me". she fell... totally silent. she was back at the house within a minute, she hadn't gotten far. she was pale, she was tired... and she was scared. she was almost quickly followed by police, who came in with guns drawn because they thought i still had the knife on me. (i had hidden it and didn't want to tell them where it was because... well i just bought the damn thing)
they cut off the duct taped towel, applied a coagulant powder and bandages, and used a blood pressure cuff to apply pressure. my blood pressure had dropped alot... no wonder, i opened up my damn arm. i sat on the gurney, in the ER, doctors waited for it to stop bleeding before they went to work. mom sat there... i don't remember the conversation we had, all i remember is that she was hungry... she hadn't eaten. i kept asking for food, and i gave it to her. i had never felt so stupid in my life.
i didn't want this.
therapists, and psychologists, and doctors abound, poking and prodding me and asking questions... i had been working a dead end job, and it was killing every part of me. i busted my ass, trying to do my best, but i couldn't keep up. and even then, my best was exhausting for me. i worked the most demeaning job ive ever had, and it didn't feel gratifying, i didn't make money... i was living off shelter food and barely making rent, i figured... well jessica can wait for her rent, i need to get something to keep me sane, something to have fun once in a while. i bought a PS2.
i was forced to return it... pay her greedy ass the money... i had no internet. i had no games... i had no TV and i had no nearby friends. all i literally did was sleep, work, and eat. i DID have a TV, but she decided that she wanted to move it back into her bedroom, so no access to it for me.
i was emotionally dying.
the doctors seemed to understand my point... i told them that this was probably the stupidest thing i've ever done... i don't want to die, i want to get out of this hell on earth.
2 and a half days in the psyche ward... grandpa visits, mom visits... i sit and watch all the fucking lunatics choke down meds, and accuse newspapers of being riddled with nano bots that record everything.
it was supposed to be a 72 hour hold. i had the option of making it voluntary or involuntary. i said... god yes... keep me here, away from that place. i got out early for good behavior... the doctors knew i wouldn't try again.
Pauline Johnson Kabe... i am so sorry you had to go through that. a part of me wishes they never called you. a part of me wishes you never knew.
but look at me now... it didn't kill me. and i'm so much stronger for it.
i'll be here... for a long time...
