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I'm home
11 years ago
(Crosspost of this LiveJournal entry)
A warm feel feeling spread in my chest while I typed in my credentials.
Hello Livejoural, beloved dear, I'm home again.
I had so much to write. I have so much to write. I could spend until Sunday, pouring my heart into your palms. I couldn't for more than one and a half year. I wanted to write but it was too much. I couldn't focus and the sheer thought of staring and getting lost for days and days of writing scared me. I was also afraid. I was burned out, feared my own thoughts. Had a hard time believing myself, yet daring let others read them.
I jumped over my own shadow. I learned to be myself again. I still do. I abandoned a lot. Projects, precious time, friends. Not all, not everything. But some. It's so hard to write and read "abandoning friends". It never makes sense when writing it, yet life tells that things change, must change. For the better. Life isn't always easy and the attempt to keep it easy makes it worse. Life is about decisions. I had a hard time finding myself. I learned a lot of things. The most three vaulable ones are:
1) There is no use in forcing ourself to not do something, especially when we hold a grudge against someone but our heat tells us otherweise. It tears us apart. All we have is our soul and our brotherliness. We should give in when our heart tell us to do something nice even when our hate tells us not to. Hate paints us black. But we should shine. It doesn't mean we're naive and weak but selfaware and true to ourself. It's okay to help when knowing why we do it. It doesn't mean others can manipulate us because we're aware of ourself and each decision is a new one.
2) Sometime you need to leave things behind. Sometimes also people, also friends to find yourself. Because without being yourself, on one knows who you are. You can't feel loved, nor can you be sure others like you. The you you don't know. Things change. We do. It's a good thing and nothing keeps us more from finding ourself then the wrong attempts to live up to wrong expectations.
3) What is supposed to happen will happen. It's not in our power nor is it us allowed to keep things the way they are. Procastinating changes makes it only harder to adapt. Change is good said once a smart Baboon named Rafiki. A change for the good, of course. Embrace changes. If we try to keep things or even ourself they ways they/we are we're doomed to loose touch with time and ourself. The larger the distance between us and the changed world grows the more lost we feel. Until we break, watching, unable to act.
A warm feel feeling spread in my chest while I typed in my credentials.
Hello Livejoural, beloved dear, I'm home again.
I had so much to write. I have so much to write. I could spend until Sunday, pouring my heart into your palms. I couldn't for more than one and a half year. I wanted to write but it was too much. I couldn't focus and the sheer thought of staring and getting lost for days and days of writing scared me. I was also afraid. I was burned out, feared my own thoughts. Had a hard time believing myself, yet daring let others read them.
I jumped over my own shadow. I learned to be myself again. I still do. I abandoned a lot. Projects, precious time, friends. Not all, not everything. But some. It's so hard to write and read "abandoning friends". It never makes sense when writing it, yet life tells that things change, must change. For the better. Life isn't always easy and the attempt to keep it easy makes it worse. Life is about decisions. I had a hard time finding myself. I learned a lot of things. The most three vaulable ones are:
1) There is no use in forcing ourself to not do something, especially when we hold a grudge against someone but our heat tells us otherweise. It tears us apart. All we have is our soul and our brotherliness. We should give in when our heart tell us to do something nice even when our hate tells us not to. Hate paints us black. But we should shine. It doesn't mean we're naive and weak but selfaware and true to ourself. It's okay to help when knowing why we do it. It doesn't mean others can manipulate us because we're aware of ourself and each decision is a new one.
2) Sometime you need to leave things behind. Sometimes also people, also friends to find yourself. Because without being yourself, on one knows who you are. You can't feel loved, nor can you be sure others like you. The you you don't know. Things change. We do. It's a good thing and nothing keeps us more from finding ourself then the wrong attempts to live up to wrong expectations.
3) What is supposed to happen will happen. It's not in our power nor is it us allowed to keep things the way they are. Procastinating changes makes it only harder to adapt. Change is good said once a smart Baboon named Rafiki. A change for the good, of course. Embrace changes. If we try to keep things or even ourself they ways they/we are we're doomed to loose touch with time and ourself. The larger the distance between us and the changed world grows the more lost we feel. Until we break, watching, unable to act.
Or just to see that oneself rode a dead horse after all for a too long time.
In my humble opinion the term "friends" does not fit. Sometimes we use that term just too much or to early and do not spare it for the right few people that are truly friends and not only people we like and have a nice time with.
I am happy to see your mind coming to an ease as far I can tell such big words after reading such a short text from you. Even if I include the stuff I personally was able to witness I cannot judge you, your behaviour or imply to be able to see what you really think and feel and think I am able to see the whole huge totality.
If I would I would truly be an arrogant asshole. But I am not so I do not do it. Thinking to be able to judge another person I have such little contact nowadays would be truly inappropriate and dishonourable.
I wish you all the best for your future after you made this, as it seems, huge cut in your life. May your life evolve to a greatness every living being should be able to live.
Be safe, dear Riffuchs.